I have no idea where to begin (other than to say I can’t believe I’m here), so I’ll start with this:
I have been “lurking” for over a week. What an amazing place you all have here! I wish I didn’t have the need to join in, but unfortunately I do, or at least I think I do. But even if I didn’t, I would want to join just to say thanks to everyone whose stories I have been following these past ten days…just reading them probably kept me from digging my M into an even deeper hole this past weekend. For many reasons, I am glad I found this place as, despite all the pain I am reading about, there is a lot of hope here, and that is something I didn’t have much of a couple of weeks ago. I also got DR at the library over the weekend and have been reading it a little at a time at work this week…wish I’d known about it sooner.
I will add a siggy (once I figure out the “code”), but H and I are both 50 and have been married 29 years this past June. DD is 21 (and engaged…more on that later!) and DS is 17. It’s probably also important to know that I avoid conflict and confrontation at ALL costs (and they are many, I am learning) to the point of being passive. This, I know, is not good, but I have been unable to conquer it and it is, in fact getting worse the older I get. I have read that being an ACOA can cause it, but I can’t really change that so it is what it is. Neither DH nor I are high-drama types and our relationship has been pretty conflict-free, but that is likely because I really don’t react anymore…if I did, we would probably either be getting along great or gone our separate ways years ago.
As to why I am here posting at all…at the beginning of April, DH moved into the guest room. He was sick with a very bad virus (sickest he has been in years) at the time and just needed better sleep, he said. I believed him as I have done the same thing (I get sick more often) over the years, for a few days or at most a week. I was dealing with some (separate) health issues of my own so didn’t mind for awhile. When he didn’t attempt to return to our bed when DD came back from college for a visit several weeks later, then I knew I was dealing with something more serious than just “sleeping.”
So of course, having no knowledge of DB’ing, I have, in the past few weeks: been a pathetic “victim” by asking him to stay in our room one night after he had come in to use the bathroom (he wanted to know why so I told him…because I missed him). He did it (for just a few hours until it was time to get up anyway), then a couple of weeks later made an awkward attempt at intimacy (I was told it was the most ridiculous suggestion he had ever heard), and then last week got frustrated and mad at the way he was treating me (no eye contact, no conversation, even when we were sitting a few feet apart at the breakfast table). He told me then (well, a few minutes later, upstairs) that he was DONE with me, that I have “RUINED (his) life…remember, you have RUINED my life!” That I wrecked the “best years of his life” (I tend to think those are ahead of us, but what do I know?) He went on to reiterate everything he could throw at me before he went to work, all of which I have heard before…he has always done what he should do, I have not done anything I should do…he has been miserable for ten years… But the word “divorce” was never said, just something to the effect that if I don’t do any WORSE, he’ll be there and will leave me alone to do whatever I want, which, according to him, is all I ever do anyway. There is no evidence or indication of an OW. The kids have not mentioned anything (surprised by the DD due to her age and engaged status), but they are accustomed to his moods and personality. I have not told anyone in my family and doubt he has either. His parents (both in their late 80’s) would be very unhappy at the thought…they will be married 63 years next month. I have been part of their family since 1976. My own mother was divorced (unwillingly) by my dad in 1975 when I was 17, and it would break her heart.
This is no marriage, of course…more like living with a roommate or brother. It’s not been a great marriage for several years, and I know this is a “wake-up” call as I’m certain I have been living in denial and accepting much less than what I/we deserve for a long time. It’s just been “easier” to let it slide…raising teenagers, returning to full-time work, concern over elderly parents, and trying to maintain some semblance of self-esteem in the face of regular ridicule, mocking, and criticism from him over my many inadequacies all distracted me. A regular complaint is about my weight, which I realize is a legitimate concern…it’s not like you can be 100lbs overweight and not KNOW it, but until recently I felt completely powerless over it. I wish I could say that I am GAL’ing by dieting (am working with a doctor at a reputable diet clinic now and lost 11 lbs last month), but it really was a combination of turning 50, facing a wedding next summer, and the serendipitous find of the clinic at the same time that prompted it. I also am probably already more detached than many…it was a defense mechanism as after awhile I just had to tune it out or I would literally have not been able to get out of bed many days. His job requires a fair amount of verbal dexterity and negotiation so he completely out-guns me in that arena…I could not and would not argue well enough with him to make it worth the grief so I just clammed up. I also had to make my own fun, do things with my friends and pursue my own interests…when the kids got older this was easier for me---he’s been doing it for years, because I let him, hoping it would make him happy, but according to him, that was MY job, to make him happy. And I failed at it, as I do pretty much everything.
We have known each other since the age of 12 and been together since we were 17…it’s a long long time. In MY opinion, we have a lot to be proud of…two good kids (he has never said anything negative about me as a mother, but felt I paid attention to them at his expense…there’s more, but that’s the gist) and we co-parent pretty well together…teenagers are very trying, though. We have built what we have from practically nothing but common sense and hard work (from me too, not just him, but not to hear him tell it), and I feel good about that, but of course, since we didn’t do everything HIS way, I was “against” him. Michele’s book mentioned something about this…just because you reach a goal different ways, does not make it a different goal.
So, now what? Before I found all of you, I was ready to confront him about the whole separate rooms thing…what was he hoping to accomplish, what did he expect, how long? I backed off and said nothing and decided I would not until I had the chance to explore DB some more…I felt a HUGE rush of relief as I read the board and started the book, but am uncertain what to expect next and how to deal with it. He is mostly pleasant at home (at times in the past, not so much), but there is NO physical contact at all. About two years ago he stopped kissing me, but I was “allowed” to kiss him on the cheek to say goodbye, etc. At the time of the last “fight” (he yelled, I listened) a couple of weeks ago, I stopped that as well…it had always felt kind of degrading anyway, but it was just one more thing in a long list of things that have slipped away over time. Although he took me out to dinner to celebrate my February birthday, something we have done for years, he never actually TOLD me “happy birthday”…the first time ever he hasn’t done that. We haven’t celebrated our anniversary in years…he’s usually out of town at a twice-yearly event for his primary hobby then so it’s been “easy” to ignore that too. And now we are facing the wedding of DD, so at nearly every turn I am confronted with the irony (not strong enough a word for it) of seeing my DD and her fiancé so happy and loving and excited about their wedding and marriage while at the same time my DH won’t even look at me. Sometimes I think my head will explode. And now, I am expecting him to ask me to wash his sheets (I did, just once, before I realized the “permanence” of the situation), but am dis-inclined to do it even though I do all the other laundry and everything else in the house.
Any thoughts, advice, support, etc. is more than welcome. Please know that I am not “posting and running” but I will only be checking the site from work, not home, and even if I was checking from home, I will be out of town this weekend.
Sorry this is so long. If there is any other info I could provide, please ask. I am just amazed at the generous compassion I have seen here. Thanks in advance.
CBIH - Sorry that you find yourself here and in your current sitch. You have definitely come to the right place.
Have you ever been in counseling (individual or marriage)? One of the first things I would recommend is if you don't currently have a counselor, you find one.
Also, how much of DR have you read?
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
