My Hope Fades....WAW sees no options but D.

[Kevin MT]

Had a blast last night camping. Did some fishing, watched my girls beat up on the sons of the friends I was out there with. My oldest pretty much beat up on the oldest boy there playing tag so he went and pouted in a tent for a while. Somewhat guilty pleasure on my part seeing my girl totally chase him down in tag and catch him every time. He was bragging about how he was the fastest kid in his school...

ANYWAY - the trip was great. We stayed for a long time and left after smoking some marshmallows on the fire. I almost left before the marshmallows buy my oldest got REALLY upset and started to cry and say things like "we never go on a family camping trip with just OUR family". That ripped my guts out, so we stayed. She seemed well pleased on the ride home. As we were driving back I opened the windows and let the wind blow through my truck. It's very cool for this time of year up here so they bundled up under a blanket and giggled and laughed. The smell of the lush farm-land of Iowa in the middle of summer is a huge remembrance to me as a kid and I wanted them to smell that same thing.

When I picked them up from W yesterday, I got to see a standing testament to the wisdom of the 180 and LRT techniques in DB. I stopped letting her be mad at me by chasing her a couple of weeks back. In the book it talks about giving the WAS enough space for the hard reality of the sitch to kick in. When I walked in she said she 'didn't feel good' and that it wasn't fair that she had to decide on the divorce and worry about wrecking the kids' lives. My gut feeling was to rescue her, but I pulled back in time to avoid that nose dive. I simply asked what I could do to help her feel divorced and give her space. She cried, I gave her a hug then left.

It sucks to see her cry - but she just referenced the divorce as an active decision that needs to be made. Last Sunday she told me she WAS going to file.

[Kevin MT]

K4D, I don't see a 'new reply' option on your thread...did I get booted in mistake or something?

[Gardener]

Kevin,

Had a blast last night camping. - the trip was great.

That sounds so good.

The smell of the lush farm-land of Iowa in the middle of summer is a huge remembrance to me as a kid and I wanted them to smell that same thing.

Iowa's still on my To Visit list. Maybe next year.

My gut feeling was to rescue her, but I pulled back in time to avoid that nose dive.

It's always counter-intuitive, isn't? But necessary. For YOU.

Well,, off on an all-day hike. Take care.

[Kevin MT]

I dropped the girls off earlier today. When W called me to ask what time I asked if she wanted to do something later. She said she was going to a movie with a friend and then a cook out, but maybe later this evening. Then she asked if I wanted to go to the movie.

I was a little shocked at this, but I told her that sounded good. When I dropped the kids off I asked her if she was sure she didn't mind me going, she said no - she didn't mind at all - as long as I didn't mind meeting them at the theater.

So - I'm torn now. When we were living together, I would not have went to the movie. I’d have stayed at home and played video games or something and figure that was OK because she was going with her friend. So – it feels like the 180 would be to go. But the whole GAL suggests that I should not go to some of the things she asks me to do.

I think I’m going to go, simply because of the 180 thing. She needs to see a different me at all costs. I mentioned to her that if we were ever able to make it through this that I’d work my ass off at changing the way we communicate with one another and taking care of each other. She actually seemed pretty receptive to that.

Going to see Harry Potter.

[25yearsmlc]

Welcome to the right place for crappy reasons...if you know what I mean. It sucks to be here, but you are in a place of support for trying to DB which means trying to save your M and if nothing else, finding and saving yourself so that you come out of this experience a better person, no matter what.

You pursued her by asking if she wanted to do something so I don't know how much of a 180 that is. Seems like NOT giving her the very space she asked for. But you lucked out in that she invited you along AND apparently since the past would have left you at home without her, now you pretty much need to go to show that marriage to you now, would somehow be better and different. Otherwse, why shouldn't she file?

You put yourself in a weird sitch - so I would say first off, unless there was a plan I can't fathom here, you messed up and should not have pursued. What about giving her space??? But here you are, you "survived" the pursuit mistake, so please, I hope you went and enjoyed the film and did the 180's that you could.

I am glad you didn't stay home to play video games by the way. That's a big red flag if you were doing that in the past when your w wanted to see a film. OR if she wanted to do anything with you, and you chose instead to stay home
and play video games. So, kudos to you for a 180.

I noted a comment you made elsewhere about timing and such. Of the folks who make it around here, almost none of them did it in a timeline to your liking. Meaning, it took awhile for you to get your m into this sitch and it'll take awhile to get it back. Not saying "the same number of years" or anything, but months at a minimum. Keep that in mind. Rushing this or having unrealistic expectations can be disastrous. Try not to look over your shoulder every time you do something that seems nice or good or like progress. Why? B/C it reeks of tactics as opposed to genuine change in you, and she won't trust that your changes are real, if they are just to get a response from her. In fact, those ARE tactics and not sincere changes if they're just a show for her. The deal is, your changes, + time = change in you that she can trust. On your end, that's all you can do and as for what she needs to work on, well, that's her stuff to work on. (It's her responsibility to manage her life and if there comes a time when you can tell her what you need from her that you are not getting, then address it at that time.)

Make your changes real, for you, b/c you want to be a better man. In short, become a man only a fool would leave. That's the best you can do. Leave the rest/results up to God. If she still leaves, then she's the fool.

And last but not least, there is such a thing as couples who div and remarry. I know it sounds terrible but i have a cousin and an aunt/uncle who div and later remarried their exes. But in both those cases, it took YEARS for them to really change themselves, to learn to be better partners, (in one case to grow up and act like an adult,) and neither couple ever intended it I suspect. They became friends as co-parents, saw the changes and improvements in the other, and reunited. The changes were not "tactics" to win the other partner back. They were simply improvements and sincere changes. It happens.

How are you GAL? What are your interactions like with the kids? No mother is unmoved by the loving interaction of her children with their father. IT's a beautiful thing to see, when it's real. Enjoy it. Some men say the one positive thing that comes out of sep or div is that they are "awakened" as fathers. That's a great thing.

Good luck,
J-

[K4D]

I didn't boot you out. That thread locked up. So I started a new one and just added the #4 on to it.

You have been given a gift if 25 has read your thread and started to advise you. Listen to her and do what she says.

Kevin

[K4D]

Where did ya go dude? How are things going?

Kevin

[Kevin MT]

Thanks for the words of wisdom 25. I understand and appreciate it. The first and last thing I ask for each day is the gift of patience and the strength to do that which I know to be correct – even if it hurts like hell. I’m still practicing this skill, and have a ways to go.

I’ve not been on in a couple of days because of work stuff. I had to let a couple of folks go at work yesterday and the first part of the week and that was just the worst thing I’ve had to do at a professional level. I’d worked with both of these ladies for 11 years and considered them both to be friends. I’m the only manager left in my office now, so it’s even more important for me to GAL.

On that front, I do have two close friends from Jr. High / High school days I stay close to. My closest friend on the face of the planet comes over a couple times a week and we watch stupid movies and TV shows and make fun of them…just like high school 20 years ago. There’s another friend from school that has two kids and went through D two years ago I speak with often. I may go to her place tonight so the kids can play. As far as my family members (mom, dad etc…) they don’t exist basically – so they are not a part of my GAL.

I’m pleased with the progress that I’ve seen within myself though. I miss her horribly but I’m accepting the pain for what it is…a necessary part of life. It doesn’t make it hurt any less but I feel stronger and more proud of myself for not buckling under the strain of it and doing something demeaning such as getting wasted or calling my W and making things worse.

I got a huge lift today from a scripture that I’m sure many have referenced while in similar sitches…

Philippians 4: 6-7

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; 7 and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

For today at least, my heart had been well guarded.

Thanks for the posts friends!

[25yearsmlc]

no, thank YOU.

You are moving fast along the road to recovery and though you'll have detours and backslides, I can tell you are fundamentally a very strong man with a good heart.

Keep posting and sharing. It'll help you and others reading. And be a tad careful about your female div friend b/c she may need a shoulder to cry on and it just happens SO OFTEN it's like a cliche from a movie. Not fair to her, you, or your kids. Just be & stay clear with some boundaries.

I'm not into saying "have NO contact with the other sex! regardless of prior friendship or what you have in common" b/c I know that in some cases, it CAN be handled. But be careful with HER heart, and your kids' hearts and her kids'....and of course, yours. No one needs "replacing' anytime soon, if ever.

(( j ))