Hey Guys, Im new to this whole posting thing. I have been reading this site daily for the last 2 months and have finally decided to tell my story and get some help.
I have been together with my W for 7 years. We have a 6 year old girl and twin 3 year old boys.
Here is a short summary of what has transpired with my W and I.
We were both in the Air Force at a rather young age (me 20, W 19) and quickly became pregnant with our first child. During the pregnancy (which was very traumatic for my W) my W found nude magazines I had been hiding and was extremely hurt that she had found them. Being a selfish 20 year old I refused and got angry with her reaction. Shortly after my W had our daughter she confided in me that she was depressed. She said she was having PPD, I stupidly said that it was all in her head. She went to counseling and the doctor told her it was realated to her pregnancy and the magazines she found. I was stupid again and told her that no your doctor was stupid, your fine. But she pressed on about how she was feeling. She would ask me if I liked looking at other woman and I honestly told her yes. She would ask if I would fantasize about other woman and I would say yes. She would ask me to stop watching movies that contained nudity and I would stubbornly say hell no. I was not addicted to pornography but it was something that was perfectly acceptable in my household growing up. She kept pushing for me to give up looking at these things and it honestly pushed me further and further away. I retreated within myself and into videogames. I would play daily, whenever I had a free minute. Im not gonna say that I neglected all my duties as a father or husband, but I was definitely just "there". Over the years it came to a point that the only time I would spend with my wife was when I wanted to be intimate with her. She came to understand that the time I was spending with her was only a sham to get into her pants. Now we were living in Rapid City, South Dakota at this point in our relationship. I honestly believe she was still very much in love with me, but I was not with her. We had no help whatsoever with our daughter from family (hers is from GA and mines from TX) and had hardly and friends.
We moved from SD to Washington D.C in December 2003. As soon as I arrived in D.C i ended up finding one of my friends from TX staying in the area and quickly integrated him into our family. This may have been the piece of straw that broke the camels back (my wife’s heart). Our life quickly devolved into my friend and I playing video games whenever we could. At first there was some control because he was married. But he quickly divorced and moved in with us. All of my affection for my wife had been gone for some time and any that my wife had for me had disappeared soon after my friends move into our home. This went on for about 6 months and then my wife got deployment orders for Tyndall AFB, Florida. Yes she was being deployed to basically a tropical resort. I dont think I have to go into details here. Unshackled from her commitments to an unloving husband, her daughter (I was with our daughter) and on her own again she eventually slept with an old boyfriend and some random guy (who gave her and me an STD, Yeah). She came back and I found out about these things because of regular testing by the military. So she had to admit to one of the affairs (i found out about the other years later). I was angry at her and selfish, I still refused to hear her cries for attention. I was still selfish and self centered.
We decided to try and solve the problem by having more kids. At first things were okay. But eventually she realized I would not change. On top of that with 3 kids at home and a possibility that she may be deployed again very soon, I demanded that she leave the Air Force (her career field was over manned at the time and was allowing early separation). She left and was now stuck at home with 3 kids and no real life. You may think I am being to hard on myself, I dont think so. 4 months ago she went to GA by herself and found herself around one of her younger brothers pot smoking friends. She smoked pot with them all week and became intimate with this friend. Hes a 20 year old with no job, is not going to school and still live with his parents (Shes 26). Im a 27 year old who currently makes in excess of 6 figures and plenty of room for me to grow and the father of her children. I only say this because it doesnt matter. He showed her attention I was unwilling to give to her and she responded.
Im not sure what happened but While she was away I realized the person I was being and that I had been. I was ashamed of myself and truly sorry for what I put my wife through. I vowed to give up games and everything else that was hurting my marriage (and have stuck to it). But when she came back I could quickly tell that something had happened. Any thread of feeling she had left was gone. She had hardened her heart against me. She happily admitted to an affair, expressed her desire for a divorce and blah blah blah. Im sure you guys know the story. I have talked to her family, I have talked to her friends. She continued to talk to this guy behind my back for weeks, while demanding trust from me. She wouldn’t kiss me, touch me or sleep with me.
I refused to give up though. I dont believe in divorce. I realize my mistakes and I want my family. So I actually stuck to a plan I found online about woman with hardened hearts and how you should treat them. I was to dense to realize it, but it was working. Within almost 2 months she was sleeping with me again and smiling and actually having fun with me. She was enthusiastic about our love making. But to my blind eye she continued to show no interest in the little things. Like holding my hand or kissing. I also kept catching her talking to this guy. But it was growing less and less frequent.
I blew it all though during the Fourth of July weekend. Her brother had the nerve to show up during the fireworks show with his friend. I walked up to him (the friend not the brother) and told him that he had ten seconds to get the hell out of here. Her brother got pissed and I ended up furious, screaming at both of them. Luckily the wife had gone to the bathroom and didnt see this. Her brother and the other guy left. No fists were swung, but boy was I close. If my children weren’t there... Later that night her dumbass brother should up once more with the guy. Luckily I wasn’t there this time. My attitude pretty much sucked the whole time we were with her family and she was pissed because of it.
So I am back to pretty much the start. She wont sleep with me or anything. She also still demands that I trust her. She is doing the same thing I was doing with videogames, but she is doing it with myspace, facebook and her phone. She is retreating into her own little world. This is not the woman I love. Any advice would be much appreciated.
It sounds like you have a good handle on what the issues are. It sounds like you were doing the "180" prior to the 4th and it was working. What were you doing differently then?
I would suggest "getting back on that horse" again. We all fall off of it from time to time but as you get further into it, the better you are at staying on.
It sounds like your WAW is in MLC. Make sure you read up on this as well as the the DB books.
" My attitude pretty much sucked the whole time we were with her family and she was pissed because of it. "
did everything go back to the start just because you had a bad attitude about the sitch?
How involved emotionally do you think she is? Sounds like a "girls gone wild" moment with the 20 year old. I think we all have those from time to time during MidLIfe. It just doesn't translate into an A, though, without the emotional connections.
It's not over. Keep doing what you did before to get her back. Most women like a man to stand up for her. If she's mad about the 4th of July, she'll probably get over it. But you need to convince her that you've changed. And not just talk about it. You have to be changed and stay changed.
First, do not panic. Easier said than done, I know. Second, calmly consult w/ an attorney. Learn about the law and your rights. Third, if you hope for a reconciliation, play nice. Peace.
I understand that. I'm just not sure what Im supposed to do now. She took my babies. I know Im not alone in saying it on here, but I just feel like it's so hopeless right now. I don't know if I'll have the energy to even go to work tommorow. I know boo hoo hoo. I just can't see how taking our children is the smart or even grown up thing to do.
Luckily I have 3 lawyers in my fam. So I know my rights. I know I could for e thr issue and get the kids back here for now. I also know this would be pointless and counter productive. Also she took our laptop and I'm stuck typing on my dang iPhone. Haha.
OK, good, so you have some information, not just letting your mind run wild with "I'll never see my kids again...blah...blah...blah". What to do now? I don't know, maybe see about picking up a new laptop tomorrow? Make plans for tomorrow night. For sure, no booze, and for God's sake, if you do, then turn off your phone. Remember, don't panic. Fear makes us do stupid stuff.
