This is precisely wht I set up a new FB page with my DB screen name. My W is not a "friend" on my GivingIt MyAll page and I have my privacy settings set to prevent anyone other than "friends" from viewing any of my onfo. If my W were to search for a FB pahge with my real name, she would only see my personal page to which she already has "friend" status.
Does EVERYONE have a FB account. If you want to- send me an invite (Kevin Turner in Omaha). If you don't that's cool too, I just like names and faces sometimes. You'll know you found me if you see a Pittsburgh Penguins jersey being worn.
The hike Sunday was great. My hiking group is really two groups. Two leaders, different hikes, anyway. One leader organizes hikes. The other one organizes hikes! This one was a hike. Like a forced march, actually, complete with rock scrambles and tossing your back pack up to the guy in front of you while you climb! I love hiking. The woods are full of answers. The strenuous hiking is good...good to really challenge oneself every now and then.
I took the next few days off from the Forum. Felt like I needed to focus a bit more on DBing than DB Foruming. Had some things to take care of, some things to think about. My wife's gone dark since all the positive small changes and connections she seemed to initiate last week. I'm not surprised. Though they were all small things, they still represented a lot of "towards-ing" for her.
I've thought a lot about the core of my sitch and realized the obvious: that I don't really know what the core is. True. When my wife dropped the bomb, she mentioned that she didn't think I was happy any more. Said she couldn't live like this (didn't elaborate) and then cited one situation, one argument and one "disappointment" that were, 6, 11 and 15 years ago (!) respectively.
Aside from my depression of last year, my drinking, which I stopped 3 1/2 years ago and some of my annoying behaviors and ineffective communication style that came up in MC, she has not told me why. I'm sure the above-cited problems exacted a cumulative toll, but I would love for her to give me a fill-in-the-blank answer to "I want to divorce you, Gardener, because ________"
Of course, in this mix all along was her pro-divorce-and-move-on IC
So, my thinking left me with two (mind-reading) answers:
1) Her lifelong penchant (of which I've posted before) of reaching a last-straw of hurt with people and then cutting herself off from them totally, completely, and permanently. She runs away.
2) She doesn't want to divorce me, live life apart, etc. (hence the early "Come back to me," "Be my hero, Gardener," type statements post-bomb).
And it strikes me that - if I'm right - I have to manifest the same behavior whether the answer is #1 or #2: It's safe here. Again. There is no reason to run. Not from Gardener. You can be you with me.
But I have to be on my guard. From me. Because I can tend to take such insights and run hog-wild with them. Like, just show her you're safe. Centered. A rock. Her rock. So, then, who needs all this DB stuff, don't answer the phone, call back later, go dark, be mysterious, end phone calls first, don't bring up the R, etc. I mean, why be a hard-ass when this is really about a scared and confused girl who's running away because she thinks there's no other solution?
And sometimes I do wonder about the applicability of DBing in my sitch. A sitch in which there was no animosity, no malice, just a sad, resigned, logically-concluded "it's over."
Damn, more questions just when I thought I had an answer
Gypsy? Greek? Sandi2?
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Even if she was HORRIBLY unhappy, and it was ENTIRELY your fault (not likely), it doesn't excuse her decision to walk away. She had an obligation to sit you down and try to work at it. That would be the "for worse" part of the "for better or for worse," Puppy
Originally Posted By: Coach
You have to realize that in her state of mind right now, her way is the only one that makes sense. In her mind, you are %100 responsible for everything wrong and the only way to fix this is to get out.
I agree with both. Confused - and unsure - again
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Well, it's time for minor boundary to be set. First since my wife moved out, actually. S & DIL live with me temporarily. My wife and DIL do something briefly/hand something off at my house 1 or 2 mornings a week. Bottom line is, I go through my morning routine and unexpectedly am surprised to see my wife in the house, kitchen, whatever. Unannounced (to me). It bothers me more and more and I realized this morning that "it's" bothering me out of all proportion because I'm more upset at myself for not having said anything yet than I am at her unexpected appearances (the old don't want to push her further away nonsense. I mean, how much further away could she get? Sheesh!
Let's see: a)"I'd like to be informed when you're going to be dropping by in the morning," or b)"Wife, I'd like you to imagine for a moment stepping out of your bedroom or bathroom in the morning and discovering me standing in your kitchen..."
She's very visual, so B would drive the point more, but screw it. A is direct.
Aaarggh! Over thinking again!
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
And, then again, how does setting that boundary square with my post of yesterday, i.e., letting my confused, scared friend know she can be safe. Here. With me. Again? Just call first before coming over? Am I setting a boundary or adding to the distance and discomfort?
Over over thinking!
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
And a lovely one as well!
