#65 finally!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Dawn of Hope]

Maria, I am so sorry to hear all of this horrible stuff that is coming to light. On the file you just read...UGH! Made me feel sick too.

how they overcame a pregnancy

I am not sure I understand this part...was she pregnant and had an abortion? Miscarriage? What does it mean to "overcome" a pregnancy?

I lied and said I will be away coming back on the 6-7 because I was counting he will at least keep them for 15 days.

Maria, I do so feel for you, this is all so hard, I know. And you have every right to feel that he ought to take a certain amount of responsibility for his own children. I hesitate to say anything, but I feel that I must...I think that if you start lying, you are stooping to his level. You are better than that, I know you are.

What is the difference in character between the LBS and the MLCer? Integrity. MLCers lie, cheat, sometimes steal, sometimes get other people (even their own children) to help them hide their sins, and weasel out of their responsibilities. We LBS's (most of us, anyway, I think) don't do any of those things, and that is why we can hold our heads up without shame, no matter what the MLCer does. If we hold tight to our integrity, none of the mud that the angry MLCer tries to throw at us will stick.

It is okay for you to be angry (for a while anyway), to cry, to ask questions; it is okay to do what's necessary to protect yourself and your kids; nobody is saying otherwise. Just don't compromise your better self in the process. Don't let him pull you down into his muck--shine with your integrity intact instead. Goddesses, even vengeful ones, defeat their adversaries without stooping to using the underhanded tactics of those adversaries. When he complains about your lack of accommodation of his ridiculous expectations, all you have to do is just keep saying, "I'm sorry, but I won't be available to help you with that." You don't have to tell him why or make excuses. If he asks, you just say, "I just won't be available." Just keep repeating it until he gets tired of whining and stops asking.

I hope you aren't offended; I just don't want to see anything bad happen to you that could have been prevented.

Maria, I hope you are able to get through this horrible part--of all of his offenses coming to light, and your having to deal with them emotionally and in practical terms--as quickly as possible. It is so hard, but at least we are here for you. I am praying for you and your family.

Peace and blessings,
Dawn

[AliSuddenly]

Oh M, thats terrible, must have been horrible to read. I'd have done the same though, wanted to read everything. This is so hard though, you've gone from being suspcisious of her (yes, never admitted by him, but he must have told her then that you had found out?).. to knowing they had a PA and now all this, it seems it was more of a relationship and that must hurt so much. I guess with him being gone so long and you had so little contact if you remember, Nov - Aug 08, he was bound to be in a full blown R with her. My bf was too.. I saw him TWICE in 6 months!! I am sure if I read emails from Helen it would hurt just as much, and yet, shes nothing to him now.

I cant lessen your hurt, but to try and counter a little.. dont forget this was HER letter not his.. she was desperate, going nuts you said. It sounds like a LOT of pressure from her, it sounds like she is almost presenting evidence to him..look, look how this was with us, look how it could work.. dont leave me. She must have written it for a reason. He tells you things were bad the past 3 months with her (?) and he was trying to end it. It is now over and he wants nothing to do with her, right? I dont know when the email was written, but even if it was ages ago, its from her perspective, how she sees it, she may well have been and probably still is, deeply in love with him. I get the impression its not recipricated though. So take heart.

As for meeting your son.. was that planned or accidental? As for the pregnancy, ditto Dawn. Sorry you had to read that, you must feel like you are having your insides torn out. Its going to be hard with the kids, but of course he should take over a bit, or at least not assume you will just keep being the primary carer for them.. you BOTH work full time for goddsakes!! Its that kind of thing that makes me mad.. men being chauvanistic, or, just not taking responsibility. I'm home this evening, call anytime, thinking of you and feeling for you M,
Al xxx

[AliSuddenly]

PS: But the worst thing you wrote was the way he speaks to you, gets angry, mean... and yet he says that YOU are?? I dont understand how he can be so vitriolic to you, at a time like this, after everything you have been through, how cruel is he?? Ok, so he says, oh you know what I am like, I didnt mean it, after you phoned his Dad.. but that is no excuse for his nastiness. Christ Maria, she's welcome to him.
Al xxx

[john210]

K,
I agree 100% with Naej and Kerry. You have more than enough evidence...for your sanity, you should fight any urge to think about the deceit of the last three years (you can not do that if you continually read e-mails). The process will be very difficult without the added pressure of new information. In my book there is no excuse for what he did.....regardless of OW's actions. I get a sense that there is a sentiment slowly rising of excusing him partially becasue OW was desperate sending pleading e-mails etc....don't get drawn in that. HE has to bare responsibility for his actions. Like Kerry says, use the info. you have to get the financial solution you deserve. If the Greek laws are as archaic as you describe (strange for the country that is the birthplace of modern civilization), then constant fights will do nothing to help you in your negotiations. That is what it has boiled down to now Maria....the future. You need to do whatever it takes to help yourself emotionally and financially. We have all lived through similar situations...it is very painfull...do not think for a minute that I do not feel for you and your kids....you have plenty of folks on these boards who give you moral support and well deserved compliments.
You are back home now...time to get organized and slowly move forward.

[Kalni]

Home safe. Crossed only ONE red light

I dont care, I really dont what he did when we were separated. Not once did I mention that to him. Everything I write here happened during the time I was in the dark or semi dark:2006-2007

The last file gave me all details about when, how, everything... And I am not snooping anymore. I found 1000 emails, he erased them all from my accounts and his, but I had saved many. I am keeping those.

Dawn, no offense taken but I am ok with lying to him. For more reasons than one.

Ali, in the beginning, he wanted to reconcile. After I found out. I could tell. He kept saying sorry and how she is history. Again and again. How he didnt care whatI told her, as if I was what mattered to him. He even promised his dad she is history and he will make it clear to her. It is pretty obvious they were not doing well. They went from hiding, to looking for apts, to moving in together and then...the begging started. She should DB him.

She complains about his insults,anger, yelling, etc etc. Just like I did. She even tells him that she is giving up the dream of having children to be with him and our kids but he would have to see a therapist for his issues... Welcome to my reality!!! Funny how when the illegal couples, once together without hiding, lose the magic...

I am ok. The worst thing I can do to him is the best thing I can do for me: ignore and "erase" him. That's my plan (for now, LOL).

naej, I know you feel what I feel. You are right. Some things like the fact she constantly puts me down as a lover, hurt badly. But, I cant make love to everybody to prove I am a good lover, or can I?

Feels good to be home. Now I can stop worrying about moving my stuff out of his closet...
K

[mishka422]

Some things like the fact she constantly puts me down as a lover, hurt badly. But, I cant make love to everybody to prove I am a good lover, or can I?

She put you down as a lover? WTF? I don't get it. Was he complaining to her about you and she's regurgitating what he told her? How idiotic and childish is that? Good grief!

Anyway, I'm totally on board with Kerry, naej, and John. Stop reading the emails, don't open another thing. You have what you need for ammunition in the D proceedings. I hope it is useful in getting the financial settlement you want.

As far as STBXH being 'responsible' for his time with the kids, don't expect too much if any understanding or support from him. Honestly, with th exception of some of the astoundingly strong men here on these boards and a couple of shining examples of manhood I have met over the years, few men see spending time with their children as a major priority in their lives. It seems to be some pretty bad genetic wiring. My xh says the words but doesn't follow through with the actions. Just don't get your hopes up that he's suddenly going to become a doting father when he has never made family time a priority. It's all about him don't you know?

Glad you are home sweety. Get those papers done and get them filed ASAP.

[1hope]

K,
I have not posted to you often, but I have been around here long enough to value your wonderful spirit and the love and sunshine that you share.

I am older than you, and came here to work on my second marriage. Your story however, could be a replay of my own first marriage. Your 3 years of lies was 5 years for me. We had 3 reconcilations with marriage counseling, and it was only after I found all of OW cards and letters (before email was common)that I walked away and never looked back. It was a very low point in my life.

But life does go on. I want to tell you that I totally understand what you are feeling. If there is any way that I can help you, please let me know.

My H and I did divorce. It was very ugly and bitter and my 2 children paid a terrible price. My H never did remarry, but still sees/dates the OW occasionally. (lol, it's been 17 years!)

In my heart I know that he still loves me. We have worked out a relationship for our grown kids and grandkids, but he is a lonely and unhappy man. I still do not know how a man could live the lies that he did, but it seems that others have done the same thing.

I know that someone mentioned the book "Not Just Friends" to you. Please read it. It explains so much! Also, be gentle with yourself. Do what you must to protect you and your kids, but try not to make life decisions while you are in so much pain.

We all love you.
hope

[kat727]

Hey K, I answered you on my thread. You will be fine, it will just take a bit of time. Hang in there, you know there are tons of us keeping up with you.

kat

[LolaL]

M-I am so sorry you have to go through this. It makes me want to be physically ill...

Want me to kick him in the nads for ya? (Virtually speaking, of course...)

(((Hugs Sweetie)))

[Kalni]

Lola,
YES!!!

Hope, I've read the book. Hated it. Dont know why. I see how right it is, still hate it. I am not going to read it again now. Maybe later.
Life does go on. Thank God. I am greatfull for what I have. Honestly.

Kat, will go over.
K