I first started noticing H acting strange a little over a year ago. That's when he started acting distant and irritable with me. He was the kind of guy that when he came home from work, he would come looking for me to give me a kiss and a hug. Soon though, the hugs stopped and the kiss was very slight and quick. I started wondering what this was all about. About two months later he told me one night before going to bed that he was going to start sleeping in the guest room. This happened to be an evening he had gone for a ride on his Harley for a few hours. I asked him why he was doing this, and he just said because he wanted to.
I then started noticing him come home later from work, and going for many alone rides on the bike. I asked him if I could go, and he would say no,that he liked getting out on the road solo. Soon after that, I started getting the MLC script, ILYBINILWY, we should have never got married, I see us splitting, etc. I was shocked to say the least. I bought into all the negative he was saying about our marriage. I did the crying, the pleading, the persuing, all the things I found out later that I shouldn't have done. Our marriage wasn't perfect, but it was good. We had a lot of things in common, and we loved taking trips on the bike. I then tried to change into this perfect little Stepford Wife. The better I treated him, the worse he got.
Several months after that he told me he was filing for divorce, and he was going to live like a single man. I asked him if there was someone else, and he said NO that it was just something in him. He started acting like a teenager, coming and going all the time. I was going into a deep depression, with him not moving out I could see all this going on right under my nose. He would come in late sometimes, and if I was still up he would greet me like it was 5:00 in the evening. On one of those late nights I asked him again if he had a gf, and he finally leveled with me. I was devastated to say the least. He just said sorry, never meant to hurt you, kissed me on the head, and went happily to bed.
I then found this sight... OMG, I started reading and it was my H to the tee. He had found the MLC book! lol So I found out what I needed to do, and bought the books. From what I can tell, this all started when he bought the bike. Imagine that! lol The OW, who I call Skank, is someone who used to work for him in his office. Fifteen years younger, and married three times. WOW, she got herself an old boss who is in MLC!
Ten days before Christmas, he told me he filed for divorce. Probably what Skank wanted for Christmas. To ease her guilty conscience, oh wait she doesn't have one! I received the papers two days before Christmas, and saw an attorney on Christmas Eve. Merry Christmas to me! He didn't want me to have anything. We filed my response, asking for what I'm entitled to, and he was furious to say the least.
Since then, we are still living together and he continues to do his thing. My attorney says this is the weirdest divorce she has ever worked on. No response from him, he by the way filed his own paperwork
I know the H I love and married is in there somewhere. I just hope he comes to his senses before this D comes through. I have put this in the hands of GOD and keeping my Faith that this marriage can be restored. I know I can forgive, the hard part will be the forgetting. This has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through. But you all know that...
Finally jumped on board and told my story. Sorry, I knew it would be long.
I prayer for my H and all your spouses that they wake up, realize what they are doing, and turn their lives back towards us. For we are the ones who truly love them, or we wouldn't be here.
If it were me I would out the A. Is it widely known about at work?
If he is her boss hten he has abused his position in having an A with her and I would think that was a dismissible offence.
My H had an 18 month A with one of his staff. He is the CEO of a Co. Unfortunately all his staff knew about the A, and although not happy about it had covered for him. However, the directors if the Co. seemed not to know and so I made it VERY clear that I would inform them of what had happened if they did not stop immediately.
I also outed his behaviour to all our family and friends.
There were other issues involved which are too complex to go into at this juncture, but vasically we manaegd to get things back ion track pretty quickly, although it has taken me a long time yo get over the betrayal.
However, our M seems stronger than ever and in two years we will be celebarting our silver wedding anniversary. We communicate better than ever and we are much kinder to one another.
Once I knew of the A I would not countenance 'cake eating' and I made my H make a choice.
Do you have children? What are your ages?
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I know this isn't the place you want to be (((hugs))) none of us do...Not sure I agree with the outing so I won't say anything and let the longer members handle it...My best advice has come from Puppy...Listen to him...He knows what he is talking about and if you think of doing something...Post here first (That is what I do and he has saved me from a lot of mistakes and more heartache)...I just bought DR today so I haven't had a chance to read it yet but it is highly recommended...He has given you sound advice on my post so I would follow it though I know you may be scared - DO NOT be his doormat! (I did it like an idiot)...Keep posting...This place will help you so very much!!
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
No, he is no longer her boss. She moved to a different dept about two years ago. Imagine that! When he finally told me there was OW, he said he didn't care if I put it on the front page of the newspaper. MLCer's are so level headed aren't they?! It's out. In fact since he filed , they have even been seen out in public together. Breaks my heart just writing this.
This is a second marriage for both of us. We both have children from first marriages. None between us. We have been married for twelve years.
I guess I was trying to avoid putting this nightmare down in writing. I always thought about keeping a journal, but didn't feel like looking at it all the time. Too heartbreaking.
I have D Remedy and it is very good. I have bought many books since this has been going on. I'm always looking for insight. I sometimes wonder if H would have done the same for me.
I have D Remedy and it is very good. I have bought many books since this has been going on. I'm always looking for insight. I sometimes wonder if H would have done the same for me.
Couldn't we all wonder if our spouses would do the same if the roles were reversed? It's probably better that we'll never know. IMHO, I think WE are the fighters. WE are the ones who will come out of this stronger than ever before. WE are the ones fighting with all our power to save what we think is worth saving. Some will fail, some will succeed but we all will be winners (although it sure doesn't feel that way now).
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
After reading up on so many of you for almost a year, I finally took the plunge and posted my story.
Please pass on any advice or insight you may have concerning my sitch. As you can tell, I very much want to save my marriage even though a D was filed six months ago. Any ideas as to what I'm doing wrong, or what I could do to turn this around would be so appreciated.
I still find it hard to believe I'm going through all this. It kind of feels sureal. Every morning when I wake up, I'm OK for a minute, and then I remember Oh ya, I'm living with an MLCer and going through a nightmare.
I'm so glad you posted your story here and are seeking advice and support from the DB gang. I would like to know the ages of you and your H and if you have children and their ages. It helps us to have a better over-all picture of your family and the stitch to know little details like that.
It certaintly sounds like your H is having a MLC! Can you tell us why the two of you are still living in the same house after filing for D? A lot of couples remain under the same roof and consider themselves separated but due to finances they are not prepared to move out to different houses. I would think living in the same house after filing for D and knowing he has a GF would be extremely tough. Has the D been made final and if not, when is the date?
Okay, if you've read many of my posts then you know most are long so get comfortable (lol).
First of all, know what MJ wants in life. Not what is expected of her or what her family & friends think she should have--but what she really, really wants. If it is the fact that someday your H will come to his senses and that the two of you will get back together, then that is fine. It is good for you to have "hope"--as long as you do not lose focus of reality and the facts you are dealing with and do what is best for you in this stitch. I think a person can go about their lives and not give up on seeing their hopes coming about some day. However, "time" seems to be what gets most DBers down b/c they want things to happen much, much faster than it does.
You said you tried to be the Stepford Wife and it made him worse. So, how about becoming completely different from that? I am strongly suggesting you completely drop the rope. I think that when the other spouse is in MLC, that is probably the most effective DB route to take! If you've read the book, then you know that to "drop the rope" means that you completely turn lose of your H--and you do not-- under any circumstances -- behave as his wife. That means not waiting hand & foot on him, no cooking meals or washing his clothes......NOTHING! You do nothing that you once did as his wife, like picking his clothes up at the cleaners, getting something at the store on your way home, etc. He is completely independent of you and visa-versa. The two of you may be under the same roof, but that is the ONLY thing that is shared. You live your life and he lives his. You do not discuss any of your plans, schedules, or daily details with him. You do not have to explain tell him anything when you start to leave....except "good-bye", b/c you do not owe him any explanations. Besides, it helps to be mysterious about your life--and by not telling him anything that you are doing makes it easier. It may take a while for him to get his head out of his rear before he notices what you are doing, but if anything works....this route will. The main point is that you show no interested in him whatsoever! You must not show any concern about him, no matter how he looks or what he says. He may even try to test your sympathy by saying something pitiful, but don't "cave" when he does, b/c you have to be strong and not allow your emotions to take over.
If you have not emotionally detached yourself from him, then that is a "must" b/c you will not be able to drop the rope until you detach. That is the hardest part of this ordeal according to what LBS's say. You have to put the brakes on each time your mind begins thinking of him as being the way he "once" was b/c he IS NOT that man now. Another hard lesson for the LBS. Don't put yourself through more pain by trying to find your long lost H in this stranger b/c even if you saw a glimpse of him, it would not last but a tiny short time before the stranger in MLC would strike back. You must treat him like a person you were never M to. You must think of him in those terms.....as difficult as it will be.
Don't confuse the fact that you can still have hope about "someday" and yet go on about living your life. You must live as if he would never be a part of it again. You have to have that attitude and you must have a lot of self-esteem and convidence. Men are attraced to women with healthy self esteem. They love women who are confident. So in time, you should become a very attractive lady to this stranger who used to be your H. As I have seen some of them write and say that they were shocked when they were convinced that their spouse was over them and was actually moving on with their life....and then that was when they realized what they were about to throw away. Did it happen every time? I'm sure it didn't, but what else could you lose? He's filed for a D from you, so this needs to be your LRT and live your life as if he will never be a part of it again.
As he sees you going your way and living your own life and not showing that you care one twit what he does or doesn't do......he is more likely to turn back around than anything else you do. However.....and this is very important.....you are not dropping the rope as a ploy to win him back. Dropping the rope is to set yourself free of what his MLC is doing to your life! I'm sure you've had a large dose of it already and have tried enough of the other things to see they didn't change his mind. Dropping the rope may not make one ounce of difference in "him" but it will you. That will be your first step toward finding peace and being able to move forward with living. But as long as you are still hanging on to him, then you haven't dropped anything and are only playing a game. So it has to be "real" in order to feel you have accomplished something for yourself. The extra benefit is "if" he gets his eyes open and wakes up out of the MLC fog......but as you've probably read, it takes a long time.
Build up a support system of friends here on the DB board and come here as often as you can to post to us and express your feelings and what you are doing. That is what gets people through these bad times.
Talk to you later. Take care.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Please pass on any advice or insight you may have concerning my sitch. As you can tell, I very much want to save my marriage even though a D was filed six months ago. Any ideas as to what I'm doing wrong, or what I could do to turn this around would be so appreciated
Keep writing and we will, too. Keep writing and reading and start chiming in to others' posts (you think we have all the answers? You probably have some of our answers.) Add a profile so we have your vital stats.
Oh, and fasten your roller coaster seat belt.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
