Ok so I have been trying to DB and have spoken with a DB coach however I don't have another session for a while. Decided with my DB coach last week to try LRT. We still live in the same house and occasionally sleep in the same bed when she doesn't sleep on the couch. This past weekend was rough for me though. I did follow through on the LRT pretty good though. Wife called friday and left voicemail when I was at the bar saying that she was going to meet one of her girlfriends at the bar and that she would call later and we could go bowling or something. So I texted her back two hours later and said ok. She didn't call so I called her another 3 hours after the text she sounds happy and wants to me to pick her up at the bar in about an hour. I was fairly close by and decided to just stop by and give them a lift. Well she then seems a little distant more than on the phone. We get home and are getting ready for bed. She goes to sleep on the couch and I begin to ask her what is wrong with the response that nothing is and she just wants to watch tv. So not very good dbing there. The next day she goes for a run and is working in the house while I am out in the yard. I actually left for about 4 hours and just did some other stuff without telling her where I was. When I get done she is laying on the couch with a migraine so I leave to go over to my sister which she was planning to go to as well. I did not call or talk to her at all while I was gone and came back 6 hours later. When I get home she is watching a movie with one of her friends. I try to ask if she is better and make small talk mainly with her friend as she really didn't want to talk to me at all. Sunday more of the same she left to go kayaking and I went and did my own thing. I did not ask her what she was going to do she just told me which isn't unusual. She called when she got home as I was not there yet. And asked what I was doing etc. Told her that I went out to eat and everything. I stayed away for about 45 minutes when she called and asked if I wanted anything to eat and she already knew that I went out to eat. Then when I do get home she just layed on the couch and watched tv or sat on the computer without saying very much to me at all. I did not want to start the conversation or anything like that as one of the DB steps is to say less than they do and let them start the conversation. So instead of sitting around I was keeping busy packing for a bachelor party that I am going on and doing whatever else. A couple of times I would sit around on the other couch but no words from her. I acted completely as if and acted happy. The whole time she looked like she was completely depressed.
Long story for a short question. The question is whether or not I should be using this technique as it really seemed to depress her when she was at home and not wanting to talk or do anything. I really don't like seeing her like this and if there was anything that I could do to make her feel better I would have immediately. Has anyone else experienced this. Maybe she is reconsidering the things she has said and is feeling bad or is she just trying to make me mad so that I can make it easier on her? I really don't know but seeing her this way is really killing me.
"Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" Matthew 6:33
This is the million dollar question everyone wants to know. What is she thinking?
My crystal ball is broken. Sorry. You can not read her mind. You can hope, but you can't. You can't change what she is doing, going to do, not do - you can only change you.
You haven't given enough info about what she said or has happened to decide if the LRT is probably the right approach. For some it is, for some it isn't. I am one that has gone more dim than dark.
Please break up your text into chunks. It will make it easier to read. My eyes go bonkers when everything is in one chunk.
I will check back on you.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Thanks wifey I will try to break it up more. She stated that she is no longer happy with the marriage as she feels that I am jealous and that I act like I am her father. I really don't beleive this to be the case as I really wasn't asking her much more than the what are you up to and just general curiosity in her life. But appaerantly that is not how she perceived it. So the LRT was to be a way of trying to show her that I am not trying to control her or am not jealous. Probably more dim than anything as we still talk and live in the same house.
I am going to be gone for a week and it will probably be more like going dark. I want her to know that I still love her and that will do anything to help her but this going dim or dark really doesn't allow for that.
"Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" Matthew 6:33
Thanks wifey I will try to break it up more. She stated that she is no longer happy with the marriage as she feels that I am jealous and that I act like I am her father. I really don't beleive this to be the case as I really wasn't asking her much more than the what are you up to and just general curiosity in her life.
Stop!!!!!!
Foul. Time in the penalty box. You don't really believe this?
It isn't up to you yet to mind read or determine what to believe.
I bet you 25 cents she already knows you love her.
A little space and being dim, not dark, is probably the best plan right. I would suggest you call while you are away and tell her a little bit about what you are up to.
You might ask how she is, but sew your lips shut if you are tempted to ask what she is up to. If you are hardly able to stop that you might be jealous.
Mind you, I have a tendency to be jealous. But, I really fight it and H for the most part has no idea.
You are just getting started. Strap on those big boy briefs because this will be a wild ride.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Well just got back last night from my trip. I did all the right things on the trip little contact. Would text one a day or so and tell her that we made it to the next place and that was about it. First two days didn't even do that. I called and talked to her twice for a couple of minutes on the entire trip.
When I got back she didn't care about anything on the trip in fact she went straight into how she wanted a divorce and she had been thinking about it the whole time I was gone and that we were through no matter what. She said that she could not take it anymore.
I told her that I was sad and that I wanted to work on it but this was her decision and if this is what she wanted to do then so be it. I asked her if counseling or Retrauville be an option and she said no. So I left it at that. I told her that I would move out of the house as soon as a could find a place. I also did not sleep in our bed that night. She did not say anything about not sleeping in it I just couldn't. Also maybe I shouldn't have volunteered to find a place it is just that I find it really hard to live there alone.
She is still having a hard time getting over things that happened 4 years ago and keeps bringing them up now. I am really losing hope for my situation as I truly thoguht that things would be better when I returned or at least the same not it's over.
From here I really don't know what to do.
"Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" Matthew 6:33
Long story for a short question. The question is whether or not I should be using this technique as it really seemed to depress her when she was at home and not wanting to talk or do anything. I really don't like seeing her like this and if there was anything that I could do to make her feel better I would have immediately. Has anyone else experienced this. Maybe she is reconsidering the things she has said and is feeling bad or is she just trying to make me mad so that I can make it easier on her? I really don't know but seeing her this way is really killing me.
This is a whole lot of speculation about what she's thinking and feeling and what YOU can do to make it better for her. You don't control her emotions. You aren't in charge of how she feels. You need to try really hard not to take these non-verbal cues to heart.
The second thing is that when you try something it should result in a positive. You do things that work and discontinue doing things that don't. Would you say that your current strategy is working? This is the hardest part though....is it working or not? I think I'd tone down the LRT a bit, primarily the part about going out very much without a word. It kind of gives the impression you couldn't care less. Find something predictable to do, like join a sport or something. Do some things as a hobby around the house. Pop in and out of her life while showing that you are okay. And you will be okay. If there is something you'd like to do for fun, perhaps casually ask if she'd like to join you. If the answer is no, then go anyway.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Ok so on Monday I came home from a weekend away and the wife told me that she wanted a divorce and that there were no if and's or but's about it.
On Tuesday I spoke with DB coach and he suggested that I write her a letter telling her what I enjoyed in life, that I was sorry for my shortcomings and that I wished her the best in life. All she said in reply was thanks. The next night she was completely cold and wrongingly so I tried to ask her if there was anything that I could do to make things better. She just said that she wanted a D and that was it. We talked a little about R mostly provoked by me wrong.
Not able to take the cold treatment and trying to do what she wanted with a D. I packed up somethings and left that morning. I text her when I got to work and wished her the best in her life and that we could meet in a couple of weeks to discuss what to do with house, dogs etc.
I have not contacted her since then and she did not reply back to my text. I left on Thursday morning and it is now Friday afternoon.
Maybe I shouldn't have left. I should have just left her with the letter and not brought up any R talk. However her being cold and just disappearing into the bedroom whenever I was there was more than I could take and I wanted to give her as much space as I could. And that space included me not being there.
It has been a difficult day today not calling or texting her to see if there was anything that she needed or how she was doing. What to do next is the big question. How long do I wait until I try to contact her. Do I just let it go until she contacts me and if so what if it is weeks. It is not what DB says to do but if I want to be there for her to see if there is anything I can do or say that will make all this go away I would in a heartbeat.
So mostly I am just journaling hoping to waste some more time until we talk again unfortunately I think that will not be for a week or better if it is on her terms.
"Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" Matthew 6:33
Wondering what I should do? I have not really spoken with my wife for about 6 days now. Just a couple of text from her on me stopping over to mow the lawn.
In the days that I have been away I have been doing a lot of reading and soul searching. I started off wondering what needed to be done to get her back. Once I moved onto figuring out why we seem to get better then only to get back to this point.
I realized that it is a problem of codenpendcy. Previously thinking that if I did all the things she wanted then everything would be fine. Ultimately if led me to doing these things in a way to manipulate her and a way for myself to be a martyr in my own eyes. I was wrong in doing this to her and to us. I know that now and am going to correct my mistakes.
As I do not live at home anymore I don't know how to let her know that I finally figured it out. I do feel bad that I just up and left the house with only a text to her after I was gone. Not sure if she is upset with me on that as she did ask for a D. Leaving for me was a good thing and was something that I needed to finally figure out what I was doing what was wrong and more importantly why I was doing it.
I would like to meet with her and confess all the things that I did to try and manipulate her. If I do she may see me as totally crazy and it may destroy even the slighest chance that I have. I know that it is something that I will have to do sometime for myself at least so that I can forgive myself for my errors. Or do I just wait it out and see if she will call me to meet. I am meeting with an IC in two days for the first time. Any thoughts?
"Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" Matthew 6:33
Alright so I have decided that it is time to man up. It maybe against DB principles as I have been following for a while even when she said that she wanted a D I just said I dont but if that is what she wants then go ahead with it. I haven't talked to her in a week so no sure if she even talked to a L or anything. But I really think that it is time for me to Man Up. Through out the marriage everything was her way. As today is my B-day and don't want to be in a poor mood today as I dont know what she will say.
So tomorrow I plan to call her up and let her know that I am moving back to house and that if she really wants this D then she will have to be the one to move out. Also I plan to tell her that when we got married we were to work through things together and not to be pissy for 4 weeks and then tell me that she wants a D. Whatever the outcome maybe at least I don't have to sleep in a friends spare bedroom and I can get on with my life in my house. If she looks at me as seeing respect in me for finally standing up for myself then so be it. If she gets pissed because I am around again then she has to deal with that as well.
"Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" Matthew 6:33
