I'm baaaaaaaaack - Still overcoming the pain

[SRTTF]

Where do I begin:

I saw H in court and I have never seen him look so bad. He has aged 10 yrs. Looks very weathered and unhealthy. I wanted so badly to go up and hug him and tell him how much I miss him and love him. Thanks to my dad who went with me I didn't. We just looked at eachother and smiled. I made sure to look my very best (DBing) and I really did feel good other than the knot in my stomach. The judge yelled at him for not following the rules and reminded him that if he is going to do this on his own that he needs to follow the rules. Everything went fine. After court when I was walking out I did ask him if he wanted to talk we could.

All he said was "Talk about what".

I was very proud of myself cuz I just shook my head and walked away.

That day I txt him and all I said was "you know I don't want this"

He was ordered to make mthly pymts (of course I haven't seen anything). My L has sent him a demand to comply ltr and we will see where that goes. The other day there was a phone conference and he said that he had made several pymts so that pissed my L off.

Today is our 5th Anniversary and it has been a very hard day. Alot of back steps. I maild him a ltr about the things that D and I have been doing and how much we still love him and miss him. I also did txt him today saying happy anniversary and I still loved him. Of course I didn't hear anything back and I really didn't think I would. He isn't working back at the RR yet and I have had more reports of him still drinking and I heard the R with the OW isn't going so well. My step D has only seen him a few times and the last time she saw him she said it wasn't any fun. We are in the works of setting something up so we can see her for the wkend. We miss her so much.

Things that I have been doing for myself: The photography has taken off with the rodeo stuff. I have started riding myself and the other day my D and I actually did some cattle sorting on a large farm with a friend. It was alot of fun. My D is on a rodeo team now and is loving it. She still mentions him sometimes and I think she is missing him more and more just like I am.

I have gone to some Al-Anon mtgs and they have been great support. They have confirmed what I felt as far as why he might be doing what he is doing due to the affects of the alcohol. This is something that someone wrote to me that put it into words that I could not.

It is very apparant that he truly loved you and there is no doubt in my mind that he still does. The thing is...being with you he acknowledges all his inadequecies. His drinking has caused him to fail as a husband and father. With a girlfriend....there are no responsibilities, no one to disappoint, and most importantly this person cannot see him for what he is truly lacking. It is too painful for him to be with you. I think in the back of your mind u know that is why he is not with you. WIth you he is this alcoholic who is worthless but he can be someone else entirely with her....

I have had to learn that I can not make him see that I forgive him and love him very much. It is up to God and he has a plan for my life and while I wait I am to be learning something more about my faith in God and believing in him. When he is ready for things to change either way he will on his time not mine. Boy it's so easy to type it out but it still pains me and drives me nuts that there is nothing that I can do. I think I am getting better though.

Well as far as dates with court regarding the D. Pretrial is 11/10/09 with a date of trial 1/20/10. So at least I still have more time.

Anything can happen! I hope all are doing well. I have kept up on a few of you but I just needed a break. I didn't feel like anyone was very interested in talking to me about my sitch so here I am for another go around.

Love to you All and remember God is Always by your side.

[kassie]

Can't stay too long, very tired but caught your post. I just want to say that anything is possible. Been there with an A H who is back and sober. Here is what I wanted to say, what I learned from my H's sobriety is that the A makes it impossible for the mind to function so one is not thinking. When they are not drinking, some recriminations but mostly the focus is on how and when they can start drinking today. The hard part about facing what they do to others while drinking, comes with some sobriety, and then they can deal with it.
Sorry for your sitch. Will offer help if needed - certainly support.

[SRTTF]

Thank you so much for your reply. Any and all support is welcome. I have learned alot but it really helps to hear personal experiance. It gives me hope and understanding.