Hi, I am new to this and not sure if I'm doing this right.
M 44 H 44 Married 14 MLC 2005
We have one son together who is 5 He has 2 other kids son 26, daughter 17 from prior marriage.
I have done a lot of reading on Mid-Life crisis and my husband seems to have all the signs. We had a wonderful marriage for 10 years and I always new how much he loved me, now I question all the time if he does or not. This all seem to have started in May of 2005. April of the same year everything seemed fine and then in May I noticed such a big difference in him that was just unreal to me, he started by being just horrible to me and our son, he had never been that way at all to me in the 10 years of marriage and then I noticed one day how awful he was being to our , at the time,1 year old son and I knew then something awful was going on with him. A few months later I got him to go with me to talk to a professional but he wanted each of us to go alone to see him , so I said that was fine, well he only did that a few weeks and he said it wasn't helping him, it was confusing him more,so I keep going for awhile and the professional told me that my husband was going through Mid-Life Crisis then. From 2005 through this year he has had several affairs but never really leaves us, he always comes back but then continues the affairs. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if this is really MLC or if it's become a way of life for him. A few months ago I noticed he seems to be pulling out of it but then there was an incident with my family on Mother's Day that hit him hard and he told me a week later he didn't realize how much damage he had done until Mother's Day when the incident happened. Now it seems like he's going right back to what he was doing. I've noticed when he can't handle something he runs and he never was like this at all before, he always was a fighter and made sure he fixed thing instead of running. This is four years now and all of this is killing me and I feel so bad for our little boy, he misses his dad so much and all of this is so hard for him. I feel like just running away from all of this but I still love him so much and I really want us to get back on track again. I know everything I have read says you can't do anything but be there for them because they have to get through this on there own but sometimes I feel like he's playing this game with me, that's why I don't know if this is MLC for sure or not and I'm not even sure what stage of it he is at anymore, it's all so confusing and I am so stressed out. I get feeling good because things improved a lot and now I'm hurting bad again because he's kind of taken off again and is not really even calling like he used to. Does anyone have any advice for me on whether this is MLC or something else?
In the Army we used to have these fire-and-movement exercises, and the longer they went on the more complex they became. The lesson was always the same -- fire on the 25-meter target first, because that's the guy who will kill you. Old Ivan out there at 300 meters? He's probably just as bad a shot as you -- wait for him to get closer.
It seems to me in reading your sitch that your health is your 25-meter target. Your finances are your 50-meter target. WAW and WAW's new man (who won't last, b.t.w.) -- that's out there beyond 300 meters. Ignore Mr. Rebound and his "life coach" skills -- there's nothing you can do about him right now.
Square your health away; square your finances away. Those are the tasks that will do the most for you and your children right now, it seems to me. Once you've got a stable platform you can start thinking about the targets off in the distance.
You've got a community of faith right there, waiting to help you. Let them. Get that rock -- that foundation -- for you and the children -- the Home. Deal with the rest later.
Smileys post shows how to prioritize. What are your boundaries? What are the consequences of your spouse's behavior? Who is most important? Who is the most helpless?
What do you think you 25, 50 and 300 meter targets could be?
*hugs*
PS.. In Divorce Remedy I read that midlife crisis lasts about two years after discovery of the affair. According to that your spouse is doing overtime.
What I don't understand with this I've hear people say they can keep jumping around in the stages, so how do you really know where they are at in it. Like I said I don't even know if this is MLC with him or not and I also read that the Replay stage is the longest one. I just wish I could understand this more. Thanks for your words.
*hugs* Take a deep breath.. exhale.. and keep doing that. Sit up tall, place your feet on the ground and breathe. Keeping breathing slowly until the oxygen rich blood gets to your brain, your mind stops racing and your shoulders relax.
You want to be a in good place to make good decisions. I found
- going for individual counseling, - working with the counselor and psychiatrist on the correct dosage of medication, - talking to DB coaches here, - posting on my own thread and providing support to others here - reading books suggested - reaching out to friends and family for support, not sympathy - getting out of my comfort zone - opening up spiritually - being a good and caring person - being grateful for what I have - slowly learning how to forgive
all helped me tremendously during this painful emotionally chaotic time. The healthier I became, the less I tried to control others. (Co-Dependent No More is a great read with lots of 'ah ha!' moments).
What he's done is very hurtful and confounding. Find your focus, create a firm foundation, understanding of what is good for your son, what is good for you. Make your health.. mental, emotional, physical a priority. Do the same for your little boy. Children come first.
Be in a good place to make good decisions.. one step at a time.
Thank you so much for your advice it helped a lot, the biggest problem I am having is that I have been unemployed now for two years and that is making my situation so much worse because I can't get any kind of support right now and I sure can't count on him for anything right now. Just a month ago everything seemed to be getting back to normal, I thought he was coming out of it and then right after Mother's Day it seemed to get worse again, he's accusing me of stuff and even said he wanted a divorce and that is the first time he has ever said that to me in the last four years this has been going on,when I said it might be time for that, then he all of a sudden wanted to work things out, all of this is really driving me crazy. I hurt so badly all the time I feel like I can't breath, I don't think he even knows the extent of my hurt or even cares, I just don't know what to do and your right I need to be in a good place to make good decisions, I really wish I could do the counseling but like I said I have no income at all, so that's pretty much out. I don't even know if this is MLC with him or if it's something else, he seems to have all the signs of it but can't really tell were he is at with it. How do you know for sure that this is MLC? The only thing I'm going on is when this first started in 2005 we went to a counselor, for not very long because he really didn't want to go but the counselor told me that my husband was going through MLC but we only had seen him a few times before my husband quit going, so I'm not really sure if this is what it is or not. Thanks for being so kind and I wish you the best of luck.
