So2, My sober H keeps reminding me about what V said, that everything he did was selfish and self centered. H still tries to catch that thinking in daily life - hears it in others and himself. It explains a lot.
Do you think you could ignore texts or just ask him not to text you anymore? I know this is somewhat useless, but when I did that with my H, it slowed down a lot and I felt better. Now I am glad that I did it because listening to the messages would just get me more hurt or angry and there is nothing you can do about it.
Very glad to hear the dinner went well and you relaxed a bit. Feels good doesn't it. What a difference normal makes.
Kass...I have tried asking him to only text me about baby and it lasts for awhile but then he starts up again. I cannot ignore the texts as we have to communicate about baby and I don't want to be accused of being non responsive.
Its really strange though. When he is here he never confronts me or talks about feelings. Its only via text when he is alone and hiding behind a phone.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
That's because he is drinking or whatever. I know that you can set limits and he will not respect them - been there - for my own sanity though I thought it important to get the message out and by not listening to the messages in full I got relief. I also had more control over responding which meant that he had nothing to respond to. It's very frustrating! But, not necessary to engage in. You are a great parent!
It absolutely drives me crazy that he obviously does not want to change what he is doing yet is fighting hard for me not to move on. Why? Whats the point?
Being able to have an affect on you strokes his ego.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Remember, nothing he does is rational. Everytime I ask my H about something he did or said before sobriety - his response is always the same - nothing I did made sense - a lot can't be remembered - and all behavior was about drinking. Even when he realized he had a problem and wanted to stop - he said the momentum of behavior was hard to control. And if you recall, the first three months he was sober, he still had many of the same behaviors. His changes are very new and getting easier to maintain but still hard work. Takes a lot of committment.
I swear I need a nice long quiet vacation! There are so many emotional changes going on in my life with my kids and family that I feel overwhelmed. Good stuff but its definately a lesson in letting go.
So exh sent a text yesterday in the afternoon. It was a visit day so I was expecting it to be for that. "If you and the kids aren't doing anything on Wed. its SD's graduation and wanted to know if you wanted to go. I can get tickets. Only if you want to." Well, I figured it was my turn to do something nice. Wednesday my kids already have some plans with their dad so they couldn't go anyway, but I did reply that I will bring baby. Its her sister. I don't think a 14 month old will make it thru an entire graduation, but at least we will try. I don't have plans to sit with him. Probably by the door so we can make a quiet exit if we have to.
Then an hour later he heard sirens and wanted to make sure we were ok. That is something I do with my kids but he hasn't done that before. Whatever.
He never showed for his visit although I know he was home by 5. So strange.
Onward and upward!
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
I heard from a friend, whos daughter plays with exh's daughter. She was over last week and said that her dad (exh) gets his license back in September and they are going to start taking baby to the zoo, the park, sleepovers. Also, sd said that her mom (exh's first exwife) is going to write a letter saying what a good dad exh is.
OMG! He is planning to take me back to court soon. I am sick. How can the first wife do that? Why? He is still a drunk! Still dangerous. He spent 5 hours with baby the entire month of MAY!
I emailed my attorney to find out what more I could be doing now proactively to prepare for this.
Scared./
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Hey. First calm down. 1) make sure you document every visit he makes and every visit he doesn't make 2) he has two DUI's, be assured that the court will definitely take that into consideration. 3) where's he living? Would she have her own bedroom? 4) make a list of everything you want to cover, what you want and valid reasons why.
Piece of advice: When you go back to court (and, you will) for custody, make sure that you request 1. no drinking or smoking near your daughter and no one can 2. no one under 18yr can babysit 3. Make sure you ask for first right of refusal 4. he needs your signed consent to take her out of state or county, if you prefer. 5. he needs to be responsible for pick up and drop off for his visits 6. ask for supervised visits (if they even grant him visits) because of his history of alcoholism.
I truly believe you are going to be okay. Do not panic. You cannot waste your time worrying about things you have no control over. Just make sure you start documenting EVERYTHING if you aren't already. And, when a question pops up regarding custody...write it down.
M 5yrs 1st baby-girl born 6/18/08 Bomb: 10/13/07 OW - I was 6wks Prego H Moved in w/OW: 11/2/07 D Final 07/10 OW had his baby 3/17/09-so her Me, now - happier than I ever was with him
Took a big step last night. I went to stepdaughter's graduation. I got there right as it was starting. Exh was texting and then calling me as I was pulling in. He wanted me to sit with them. Not me, baby! I just said baby and I were going to stand by the door as I knew she wasn't going to be cooperative for 2 hours. He got sorta pissy but I held my ground. Soon everyone with a small child was huddled by the door.
We made it about an hour and baby had enough of being quiet and confined. We left.
Later last night he asked why we left. I have a 14 month old! Did he really think she was going to make that?
I know its moments like this that make exh feel like crap. Watching all the other intact families around him. He started texting last night and either he was drinking or feeling down. I could just tell.
He was writing on his fb that he is going to get a part time job as a maintenance man at the high school so he can watch his daughter. The one who has to be forced to spend time with him? Maybe thats why he is sad....his other kids that he has blown it with are older. He has baby and thats not going well either.
Tomorrow is my daughters high school graduation. Its a visit day so I am going to offer he come today instead. This is the first time I have had to switch or cancel a visit in a year.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
