PS...we have a law guardian..she has been useless. I called her over a week ago to try and get urgent counselling for our son...she never returned my call. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
FIB, It seems like only the judge's gravel can get her to do anything if at all. And so you need to still retain the L because you are going to need that as a fallback. Her behavior will not end anytime soon.
However, meanwhile would it be worth trying some professional mediation (by someone who's also a lawyer) and getting to a written agreement signed by her as far as time/activities with the kid, finances and any other matter you think is festering, while she is still living in the same house? This could be impractical, but just a thought vs. living in hell like this.
anything I/we can do to help, call/text, etc...and BND is right, we'll all be there if it'll help. Get your sisters there if you can also. (Besides, there's really good shopping in Manhattan and BND and I love shopping...) but as she says, I sit here shaking my head at all of this.
You know, at my darkest hours, when the rage I felt was as its' worst...when it was consuming ME, and I felt h was so selfish and had been so deceitful, (and sometimes he was!!) I can honestly say with 100% certainty, that I NEVER EVER thought to try and divide the kids and him. The whole "parental alienation" we've discussed earlier...I mean, I DEFENDED H b/c I wanted the kids to feel loved and treasured by him!! I did not want them to feel like a distant 2nd place or "overlooked" and did NOT want them to think ill of him at all.
I am Not saying we should lie for WAS's....so don't even want to debate that. But kids are far more hurt from the WAS than the LBSer realizes at times. THe LBSer assumes often, that the kids "know" it's not the kids that are being left, but guess what? THEY DON'T KNOW and besides, they usually ARE being left behind too, not always, but often...and they put themselves in the same category as the LB Spouse and feel if their parent loved THEM enough, they'd stay no matter what the other spouse was like.
ANYHOW, A parent's job, father or mother, is to protect and defend (kill or die for if needed) and raise lovingly...to reassure, to encourage, TO LOVE...and we should do whatever WE can do to alleviate the pain that comes with having such a flawed other parent, and it should be done for the kids sake...this is so clear and obvious to me AND all the child c's I spoke to (3 in all, and they EACH said to never bad mouth the other parent )
SO obvious to me....so clearly the case....So I'm at a total loss as to how anyone's anger, (let alone YOUR w's at YOU) can outweigh her love for the kids. It boils down to this:
Does She really see you as Satanic? Let's say she does. Okay, that makes her nuts. If she doesn't really feel that way, then she's vindictive and clearly putting HER anger ahead of ALL ELSE...so what's that say about her?
If I recall, you LIKE your L right? What's up with the GAL? Can the L get a diff one for you? (I'm doubting that but it's worth asking...)
When my bil died last fall there was a GAL appointed for his kids (due to custody issues between his ex w, who had lost ALL rights of physical custody and for damn good reason, but I digress)...anyhow, when he was terminally ill the GAL was soooo bad and lazy. At one point the ex w filed for money and custody, again, & the GAL was confused as to what to do...gee, so complicated....so she (GAL from family services who had never met the ex w, did this all by mail) filled out a one sheet form saying my dying bil was "neglecting" the kids, GAL did NOT mention on the one page form, BIL's illness but said he was "not meaningfully interacting" with them, and was "emotionally neglecting" them (These were boxes checked off on the form for the least possible work for the GAL to do)
so I went to court and found that if the GAL had said my bil was "incapcitated due to illness (you know, like with a FATAL BRAIN TUMOR AND ALL...) it would have been a 5+ page form with medical reports attached --which takes LOTS of TIME and THOUGHT on the part of the GAL, (and she's busy and all.....) and the easiest thing for the GAL to do was simply fill out a one page "neglect" form - pursued by bil's ex w who saw bil's pending death as "an opportunity for her" and so she wanted full custody & $$$ THEN AND THERE , while my bil was on his death bed)....honestly I don't know what the hell would have happened if my sister did not have L's in the family. A real travesty. The GAL did not know I was related, but I had to threaten to sue the GAL for dereliction of duty, defamation, etc which she did not like at all, to scare her into doing her f- JOB!! Yes my sister won, but at great personal costs, I mean, what a way to spend her last days with her dying h, IN COURT...great.
Okay...enough negatives. You are getting some very good advice here and I strongly think the mediation WITH a L mediator is a good idea, (being a L for this helps b/c the non L's tend to suggest concessions you'd never have to make in "real life/law" and they have more credibility with the other spouses generally...)
oh FIB, yi yi yi. So bummed!! This is some "journey" for you. We're all here for you! ( Literally if possible). ((( ))) J-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
FIB, I am just around the corner, say the word and I am there. Anything at all I can do, let me know.
For now, I offer you (((hugs)), prayers, friendship, and an ear - anytime. You could get me on the alt.
Hang in there. You must be the children's anchor, their beacon, and the one who is steadfast in their lives. Do what you must to make them feel safe. Worry not about ruffling feathers. You have placated that woman and taken her abuse for far too long, in my opinion.
On this particular issue, you need to dig in your heels and insist on being there with your son.
And remember, I am originally from Brooklyn, anytime you need me to TALK to your wife - "pretty please", I welcome the opportunity,ya know?
And remember, I am originally from Brooklyn, anytime you need me to TALK to your wife - "pretty please", I welcome the opportunity,ya know?
What? Oh, that baseball bat? Um, it's for playin' stickball in the alley. And yeah, I'd like to TALK to her too...(hey BegMind, I got your back!)...
Oh, in case this does get printed out, we are ALL kidding around, just helping FIB cope with his vitriolic psycho stbxw, who's traits are such a bad combo b/c God knows, I prefer KIND HEARTED crazy people...(but maybe that's just me... ) FIB's w has the worst "Skill set" for a mother that I've seen in a long time...and is self righteous about it!
FIB, doesn't her family "get" ANY of this? They must have seen her assuming the fetal positions, and all the crying, and don't they know about ANY of the OM --and what on earth do they think you've done that justifies her present behavior? I mean, even if you were the most self centered workaholic doctor, how long has it been since that time was over? Are you the world's best actor? I mean do they think YOU are lying about everything, that you are a bad father, or is it that
" hey--she's our daughter and no matter what she does, that's ALL that matters"?
I have a childhood friend who became somewhat like your w. She was very selfcentered, neurotic, vain, and in my gf's case, she also started drinking heavily. She cheated on her h more than once, and eventually her h filed for div, and this SHOCKED my friend and outraged her!...seriously she was SO indignant, among other things. But in that case, when the time came, her own dad told the court that the kid belonged with his father, NOT my friend. I know this crushed my gf b/c after all, her own father was not supporting her as a mother, but her dad did right by his grandson. Don't your inlaws care about them enough to be honest about this? My gf's dad did right by his grandson but it obviously helped his former sil, the ex h of my gf and that infuriated her. She saw it as "a conspiracy" in that...you know, "men sticking together"..not that her dad simply saw through her antics. Point being, not all parents/grandparents are blind to reality.
Well Okay....FIB, hope you are alright. You are in our thoughts and prayers. TTYS,
((( j )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
FIB, get a new Guardian. They are supposed to help you not hinder you so get your lawyer to request a change of guardian to another one who will get off their asss and help you here.
Stop making excuses for all of them. Hold them accountable for their jobs and what it is that they are supposed to be doing. Don't call the GAL to discuss counseling for your kid. Call the GAL and tell them when the appointment is and with whom. If they have a problem they will sure as hell call back.
Did the GAL come out and meet with the kids yet? Visit their school or day cares? Met with you and the STBX? These are basics to their job, hold them accountable.
Not for nothing Frank, but it's time to start wearing a wire. Record some of this insanity. Go to the lawyers with her voice on tape calling you satan to your kids. Put the screws to her dude.
Your marriage is going to end either way, she doesnt have to be a bitch the entire time and at some point you have to stop letting her. I know you want desperately to be the good guy, but there comes a point where it's time to be a little tough yourself dude.
Strength and Honor also means being strong enough to honor your kids by standing up and saying enough is enough.
I love ya bud, I love your heart and your compassion, I love that you have taken the high road throughout. You have done your part my friend and no one is going to ride your asss for standing up here and saying enough is enough.
Hey 25, thanks for having my back. Right back at ya! And, of course, I was only kidding - cough,cough.
Anyway, FIB, I agree with everything Ian has said. You and I are alike in that we have tried so hard to take the high road. But let me tell you, if my son was in anyway being mentally abused or emotionally hurt by my h, the gloves would be off. I mean it.
FIB, start making noise within the judicial system. If your lawyer or the GAL is not working for you, time for a change of course.
Come on now, regroup, get a plan and do what needs to be done.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I listen to a counseling show daily and the host frequently uses a common example:
He likens a troubling situation to a medical condition.
In your case, FIB, I think he would agree that your kids are being exposed to some very dangerous behaviors. He would say something like: If one of your kids had cancer, would you spare any expense seeking out the very best professional in that field to diagnose and treat the illness?
He would follow with: Well, your kids do have cancer - the cancer of a mother who has lost her capacity to consider their well being at this time. Will you settle for second best in their treatment?
I'm in line with those who suggest rattling some cages in your camp. You need allies that will vociferously fight for your kids well being.
I know it's tough to separate the behavior from the individual, but at this point your W appears to be acting out of fear/anger and the most loving thing you could do would be to protect them from her. I can almost guarantee it that she won't see it that way though. Tough place to be. You are in my prayers.
) FIB's w has the worst "Skill set" for a mother that I've seen in a long time...and is self righteous about it!