Divorce looming #11

[Kenn]

Hey Kevin,

How's it going?

You do realize you have friends here that are trying to help you right?

Stop caring about what your wife wants. You are obviously building relationships with your daughters. That is awesome.

Forget about trying to make your wife happy. I am wondering about your background because I don't know we have ever talked about it. So I will share my history with you. I remember More than one of my aquaintences in college that had girls (I will not even use the word girfriends) that would come over any time they called and do anything they asked. One had a girl that would come over and wash his car and then he would go out on a date with another girl. These guys would spend hours talking negatively about these girls who were only trying to please them. These girls were dedicated and only wanted to do anything they could to show these guys that they loved them. The guys had nothing but contempt for these girls...complete lack of respect....Amazing!

You have to realize that you are as important as your wife! She is not the queen of Sheeba. You are as important as your wife. Yes you screwed up (didn't we all) but if you want to make amends then become the better person and focus on your daughters. You and your wife may or may not ever get back together. Your 34...do you realize how many women out there would love to have a guy that is rehabilitated into thinking about their spouse and devoted to raising his children?

Or do you want to set the example for your daughters that when they get married they expect their husbands to act the way you are doing? Marriages need to be 100/50 and 50/100 relationships. Not 100/0.....

Stop trying to please your wife. She is not apprecciating it. She is looking at you as someone who is grovelling and it is not attractive. Let your daughters decide who isn't doing dishes, or clothes, or whatever. YOU right now are the responsible parent. And guess what ....as this goes on you will eventually reach a point that you are ready to move on and will look back and say I can't belive I acted like that. Stand up and be the role model for you daughters. Show strength. You don't have to be an ass but you need to show them that when life sucks you can't let it kick your butt all over the place.

tough to say and tougher to live but come on buddy. we all care about you or we wouldn't post all the time to you.

Sometimes I read and think you are someone making all this stuff up as some joke. Then I think about how I feel every day and think ..who knows?

Please stop worrying about your wife. If your kids need a clean plate then do the dishes. if your wife doesn't want to do the dishes then so what?

Honestly ... your wife is enjoying the freedom of not being married. do you really think she is going to say, "stop taking care of my kids"

you are killing yourself.....that goes with the enlightenment. The more you realize what you need to change the more you feel guilty that this was all your fault. It is NOT!!!! You will then transition into the phase that you realize there were other options.

You fix your demons and if your wife doesn't want to give you a second chance then THAT is not your fault. If you don't fix your demons then it is not fair to your kids or your wife.

Kids first, then you (because you will end up in some realtionship and owe it to yourself and that person) then your wife....

Good luck friend !!!!!!

[K4D]

Kenn,

Thanks for the advice. I guess I do kind of sound like one of those girls.

I don't make anything up on here. It is all real.

Kevin

[K4D]

W sent me a text this morning asking how D11 was doing. D11 threw up last night. I said D11 is sleeping. She asked if she was ok from last night. I said yes. Something just didn't agree with her, but she was fine shortly after.

W then asked if everything was going well. I responded yes.

That was the end of the conversation.

Kevin

[K4D]

Me and the girls went to church this morning. My step dad in law and MIL were also there. They came over and sat next to me in church. Then we all went to lunch together. It was me, step dad in law, MIL, my girls and a niece of mine.

We had a good lunch. They were talking about all of us going to my SIL's softball game tonite depending on the weather. They said they were very happy to hear that I got a job and a place of my own.

I think they are starting to warm up to me again now that I do have a job and am getting my own place. They refuse to step into the middle of the D and help out any. But if I can slowly warm people up again, it can't hurt in the future prospects if there is one.

I researched some more books last night. I'm trying to make sure I am on the right path for my career.

My step dad in law was saying that MIL got a call from an agency and they were talking and the recruiter from the agency said he was getting phone calls from Carolina from women who lost their jobs, houses, cars, everything and were willing to relocate for any kind of job. He said you aren't hearing that on the news.

Alot of people are going through really tough times right now. They just want a job. I just want my M. I don't care so much about the money as I do my M. But I am grateful for my job since my M is where it is.

It was good to be around the family some today. Now me and the girls are back home cleaning to make sure everything is fine for tomorrow.

Kevin

[K4D]

I finally had to have the talk with D11 today. She was hounding me for appetizers, a more expensive meal, desert afterwards at the restarant we were at. She would not let up. I kept saying no to certain things. It bothered me. Especially infront of the in laws who are about to be ex laws.

So this afternoon I pulled her aside and said hey. I'm sorry, but things are going to be different from now on for a while. I told her that I don't make as much as your mom and while yes she can and does afford the luxuries that you want, I can't right now. I told her I love her and will make sure she is taken care of. But I can't just buy her and her sister every whim they want now. As it is, since I am a contractor, I am not even making full salary what I would be if I were permanent because I don't get paid for holidays. I also found out that where I work, they let the contractors go for 2 weeks during Christmas since nobody is there to supervise. So I have to save for that to.

So D11 understood after I talked to her. I did not want to have that talk with her. But this was the second time she has pulled this and I can't keep combatting her in front of people.

It bothers me that I can't provide what she wants as me and W have been able to provide quite a bit the past 2 years. But that is no longer the case for me at this time.

I told her I am studying and working hard to provide her better in the future, but right now I am kind of limited. She said so you are waiting on raises and promotions? I said kind of yes. But not waiting, I am also trying to prepare and seek out.

Well, apparently the kids have already been working out the plans for their room in the apartment. And they want a bunk bed and D11 will sleep on top and D7 will sleep on bottom. They are planning all kinds of things. This is going to be fun. I am somehow looking forward to working with them and their ideas. They are excited about being able to design their own room together. Its gonna be neat.

Kevin

[antlers]

Kenn said..."You fix your demons and if your wife doesn't want to give you a second chance then THAT is not your fault."


We need to see things from a perspective other than the emotionally charged one that we see things from! These kinds of statements help so much!

Thanks.

[Kenn]

hang in there Kevin,

Let me share a story. My wife makes about 20K more than me. When we seperated I didn't fight for any furniture in house because I didn't want to have my daughter see her house ripped apart. I also simply told my eight year old that things were going to be a little tighter since both mom and I have to figure our finances out and we aren't spending as a family anymore.

My wife openly discussed four trips in front of daughter and on one to see her brother, my daughter got excited and said she love uncle XXX and would love to see him. My wife said "no baby, this is going to be a trip just so Uncle XXX and I can spend time together.

All I did was say to my daughter - we have to plan our vacation this year, where do you want to go?

SO a month later she is talking to the baby sitter and says, "My dad and mom don't have a lot of money because of the divorce but my mom takes trips all the time with out me and my dad is planning to take me on his next trip.

Moral of the story... me? I am not the greatest guy in the world, wife is not evil, daughter(s) will be albe to figure out who and want is really going on....kids are pretty intuitive.

Stay true to your goals.....buddy. It's all going to work out in the end. Family (kids are going to be with you for life). Stay true to your goals. You don't have to explain every decision you make. Even though somehtimes we feel like it...and I do me we LOL

[SRTTF]

Sorry to highjack.....

Could someone please help me. I have been on here as long as Kevin but I guess it just isn't as interesting. i could really use some advise though.

Please, and kevin sorry

[K4D]

Thanks Kenn,

My wife make 35k more than me. And it hurts to see her spend like crazy and knock me for being a little tighter and trying to watch money.

I am trying to focus on sports right now to take my mind off things. But it really burns me.

Kevin

[K4D]

In all honesty, I'm done Kenn. I don't care anymore. My W is different. Money means more to her than anything else. DBing means nothing to her. I'm out of here.

Good luck to you.

I'm done. I wish the best for you. Call me a failure if you want.

Kevin