Also, just for added bizarreness, cleaning the house this weekend I noticed an article on "Helping kids cope with the death of a parent." Logical explanation -- someone recommended it as being applicable to divorce as well. Explanation I can't get out of my head -- she is planning to kill me or herself (much more likely the latter but one can't rule out the former). So how was your weekend?
I feel like some 1950's "stay together for the kids" message. I think I love my wife, but I am not in love with her.
There's nothing '50s about staying together for the kids. That is timeless. And preferable if at all possible, I think.
My first marriage was sheer hell and I was holding on until the youngest was 18. Wife beat me to it and filed when he was 13. Fortunately I was able to find an apartment one block away and kept our relationships intact - and better - for several years.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Hi C, How are you doing? I hope things are going oK for you. I really appreciated your comments on my thread.
Originally Posted By: Gardener
clueless,
Originally Posted By: clueless
How do you know if you should save the marriage? I mean I know that this is a community committed to the idea that the default should be to save the marriage. I appreciate that. But not all should be saved right? I know MWD would argue that unless there is abuse or whatever that the marriage should be saved. But do you guys have doubts? I would love to hear from someone who has wrestled with if rather than just how a marriage should be saved.
Everyone has to wrestle and answer that for him/herself. For my part, I have given up. I am done. I have gotten no results DBing with my wife. She chose to leave before and instead of telling me there was a problem first. She left rather than stay and repair. We were very soulmate-close and always did whatever it took to smooth over bumps in our path as they came along.Not this time. She left. She is a completely different, cold and distant person. and I am now at the point of just deeply, deeply disappointed in her and I don't want the person she's become back.
C, I am asking myself this same question. It's hard to feel like the M should be saved when my H isn't communicating w me for a month. I think what MWD says is keep trying as long as YOU still believe there's hope, or still feel like trying. So I think the answer is always up to the DBer, who's been trying to save the M. Just my 2 cents.
Gardener, Your post resonated w me. It sounds like my H, that is what happened to me. When H dropped the bomb, he immediately said it was too late. THen he left. ONe thing my C has said that is helpful is that what is going on w H is not about me, and that could be same with your W. I'm not saying things were perfect but it's that unwillingness to even talk about why this happened, something so core to our M, that I still even after 6 months just cannot believe it sometimes.
Thanks for the question LFA. I have not come around much of late as I am no longer DBing. 9 months out, my wife has never wavered in her desire for a divorce. She is on her second boyfriend in that period. She has consistently blamed me for everything, been a hypocrite in attacking me for things she is 100 times worse about, and generally acted like an immature person incapable of being in adult relationship. I have weighed it all and wrestled with what I want and what I owe my kids, and decided that I deserve better.
I am now dating a wonderful woman, who is beautiful, smart, and I am experiencing all the joy of a new love even in the midst of grieving the loss of my marriage.
I think DB is a great idea, but I also beleive there are some marriages that are too broken, more specifically some spouses that are just incapable of being true partners. I am glad I did what I did and fought the way I fought for my marriage. I have no regrets and that is a valuable thing.
Best of luck to you in your future relationships; may you find the happiness ou deserve.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Hi all. Not sure why I am back, but I thought I would drop in. The divorce is set for 1/28. We finally accepted an offer on the house. We're going to lose our life savings in the sale ($125,000 less than we bought the house for 3 years ago).
I've quit drinking for a while. I don't know that it was a huge barrier for me, but in the divorce process I was starting to be uncomfortable with how much I was leaning on the bottle. So I plan to give it up at least until the divorce is final. New Years Eve is going to be a movie. It does mean I can do the New Years 5k the morning with no hangover. Maybe I will win it on the basis of an (unfair) advantage.
Holidays are just tough. My best wishes for all of you fighting through difficult times around the holidays. Keep your head high.
Almost a year exactly since my wife dropped the bomb. I wouldn't relive this past year if you paid me $10 million. Our court date is Wednesday. I think even my wife has started to see that this was a bad way to solve our problems. But it is too late. She is living with a guy now, and I have closed my heart to her.
Some good has to come of it, so for anyone new to the process here are a couple thoughts:
1. It is going to get better. The pain will diminish and the fear will become manageable. 2. You will grow as a person. Growth hurts, but it is how we become the people we want to be. 3. Cut yourself a break. Take it easy on yourself. This is hard and you are doing the best you can.
