So here's a new one. My w. just asked me to watch my son during the day so she could go to her ob-gyn. Then she tells me she needs to go back for an ultrasound in 6 weeks. Now we haven't ml since March and I've had a vasectomy anyway. So whatever is going on her having my baby is not an option. My first thought was that she was pregnant. But upon further reflection, I think she is in the process of becoming a surrogate mom. I remember a few months ago noticing on google an auto-complete thing on a surrogate page. I thought it was odd at the time, but it slipped from my memory. Now, putting it together, I think she is going through the process and not telling me. Every time I think my life can't get nuttier, something like this comes up.
OK. I could use some advice. My w. just called to tell me that my D5 said that she wanted Mommy and Daddy to have a nice dinner together before we become unmarried and that she would watch her little brother. It broke my heart to the point where I was speechless. Then my w. said "I am sorry I am doing this to her and to you. I hope you don't hate me." I was speechless. I didn't know what to say. So I just said I shouldn't be getting into this while I am at work. She got pissy and that ended the call.
I'm sure that is heart wrenching. My sitch is going to tear my kids up too....they don't really know yet even though she is moving next week. I hope she can live with the guilt.
I don't know what to tell you to say. I don't know if there is a good answer for something like that. I'm sure you never thought you would hear something like that. Best of luck to you.
M 33, W 30, SD 10, D 5, S 4
Made it through the WAW, living happily together now. And I am much wiser for it!
OK. I could use some advice. My w. just called to tell me that my D5 said that she wanted Mommy and Daddy to have a nice dinner together before we become unmarried and that she would watch her little brother. It broke my heart to the point where I was speechless. Then my w. said "I am sorry I am doing this to her and to you. I hope you don't hate me." I was speechless. I didn't know what to say. So I just said I shouldn't be getting into this while I am at work. She got pissy and that ended the call.
1. What should I have said?
2. What should I do now?
1. "I understand the way you feel about me. I feel the way I do about you. I want a new marriage, but I want it to be with the mother of my children...you. If you divorce me, then we will go our separate ways. But I care deeply for you and our kids."
2. "I'm sorry I was at a loss for words. Your feelings are valid, just the timing was very painful. If you want to have dinner and/or talk about it, we can. Or if you don't, I'm ready for that too. I just want to acknowledge that I see your side."
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Another month gone by. They are slipping faster and faster. The time when I was married seems a lifetime ago. I am still married of course, but I mean before my wife served papers and we started birdnesting. Somebody emailed me today to warn me about Where the Wild Things Are. It was one of my favorites as a little boy. This friend told me the movie verion will tear a divorced parent's heart in half. That seems a bit like shooting fish in a barrel. Had my kids this weekend. They are little sweethearts. I honestly don't know if I love my wife any more. I don't know if anyone can love somebody who is so thoroughly broken, somebody who needs other people to fix her so desperately. But my kids...
I don't think I am divorce busting anymore. Today my wife called me in the car on my way in to work. She asked about my daughter's backpack. I answered and we just stayed on the phone in silence for 2 or 3 minutes. She said something...then another couple of minutes of silence. I get the feeling she is reaching out. But she won't say anything. She wants me to rescue her again. I can't.
My heart breaks for my kids. I failed them. I don't know if I failed them in marrying her, or in not building a better relationship, or in not finding a way to get her the help that she needed. I just know that I failed them.
How do you know if you should save the marriage? I mean I know that this is a community committed to the idea that the default should be to save the marriage. I appreciate that. But not all should be saved right? I know MWD would argue that unless there is abuse or whatever that the marriage should be saved. But do you guys have doubts? I would love to hear from someone who has wrestled with if rather than just how a marriage should be saved.
How do you know if you should save the marriage? I mean I know that this is a community committed to the idea that the default should be to save the marriage. I appreciate that. But not all should be saved right? I know MWD would argue that unless there is abuse or whatever that the marriage should be saved. But do you guys have doubts? I would love to hear from someone who has wrestled with if rather than just how a marriage should be saved.
Everyone has to wrestle and answer that for him/herself. For my part, I have given up. I am done. I have gotten no results DBing with my wife. She chose to leave before and instead of telling me there was a problem first. She left rather than stay and repair. We were very soulmate-close and always did whatever it took to smooth over bumps in our path as they came along.Not this time. She left. She is a completely different, cold and distant person. and I am now at the point of just deeply, deeply disappointed in her and I don't want the person she's become back.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Yeah I am wrestling with it right now. My concern is that so much of what I want to save about the marriage is for my kids. I feel like some 1950's "stay together for the kids" message. I think I love my wife, but I am not in love with her. Pretty funny for me to say that after hearing it from her for the past 9 months.
