Well...I couldn't sleep last night and I ended up watching the first episode of Six Feet Under - and it reduced me to tears. Watching it drove home just how much the end of a marriage resembles a death - at least in the sense of loss and mourning involved - though the big differences are in the lack of attending ritual. Funerals offer a place to mourn and share in that mourning - but with this process, so much of the mourning is solitary - and there are so very few moments when one can just rest on the shoulder of someone else who mourns the loss as we do...so even though there are friends and family members that "understand" the loss - they are never involved in the loss as they would be in a funeral. Watching the show made me wonder if there are any cultures that do have a ritual in place for the end of a marriage - given how common divorce has become, one would think that there would be divorce parties popping up all the time - I know they happen occasionally, though whenever I read about them, they strike me more as a histrionic affectation rather than a genuine mark of passage.
At the end of the show, as I just kind of sat there feeling a bit stunned, I found myself saying goodbye to B in a way I hadn't before. There was a sadness in me - a profound sadness - that had only remorse for B's plight - for the fact that this good person was born into a situation and a family that she could not escape, could not overcome. It's heartbreaking to think that a person's own sister and mother would be afraid to talk with her - and for them just to find fault in her, rather than see the tragedy of her situation.
Another similarity to death that is perhaps more obvious is the way in which the sadness can make our memories focus more on the positive moments of what was shared. While rationally I know that B was emotionally abusive and a very angry person, and I know that my S11 wasn't always very fond of her (he recently told me he feels more comfortable talking with me about her now, because when she was still in our lives he always worried that if he told me what he thought it would make her angry and start an argument between B and me....which he was right about), and I know that she had at least one PA and was most likely having at least an EA when she dropped the bomb - there's some connection between the sadness in my mind and the fond memories - like they're in proximity to one another - so that when I think of what we've lost - I don't immediately think of the peace that was gained and the many opportunities for a happier more fulfilling and fulfilled life - rather I think often about our shared incapacity to have made enough of those happy memories to have them define our M rather than the unhappy memories. Then again, all of B's evidence of why she had to leave me comes from my initial, panicked (over)reaction to her dropping the bomb - when her words just bewildered me.
I'm in a very different place now than when things started falling apart so many months ago - I feel very positive about where my life is heading and also appreciate just how peace my children enjoy when they're at home with me.
B continues to accuse me of being an angry person and continues to tell people that I am/was abusive - and so she continues to live in a separate reality that she can use to justify her actions and her words. It saddens me to see her continue on a course toward self-destruction. A friend of mine who saw her just a few weeks ago said that she just has a darkness around her that makes her seem filled with negativity. I hope for her sake, and for the sake of our son, that she eventually comes to terms with herself and finds the strength to deal more honestly with the demons that haunt her.
Carlos, Great to hear from you! Sounds like you are coping and thriving thru the process. Detaching like you are, allows you to see the "bigger picture." Are you working on any writing? My W and I are going to SC for Easter and are going to meet up with Mules in Kiawah. Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I agree that ritual, especially shared with others who mourn, is important. We have rituals to acknowledge birth and death. We celebrate the marriage ceremony, but have nothing equivilant for divorce. The divorce "parties" I have heard of seem to be more geared towards helping the 'bereaved' move on in terms of dating again, rather than mourning the loss the marriage. Perhaps you could think of a ritual which would be meaningful for you and invite friends you have who would support you in grieving the loss.
It is very hard to see someone you love in pain. I know you wish you could help her, but your presence simply seemed to allow her to blame her unhappiness and rage on you. Maybe that is another difference with death. Depending on your beliefs, many think that the departed is now in a better place, a place where they are free of pain and trouble and where they are filled with peace. In a divorce like yours, you know that is not the case.
I am glad you are doing pretty well Carlos. The grief may come in waves and in stages. I know you will let it, and that you will move through it.
The self-destruction of one we love (yes, we still love and always will love the ones who have hurt us the most) is difficult to see. I'm both saddened and angry today b/c of what my XW has done to our M, our D, and herself.
Glad you are back w/a thread. I've missed you, my friend.
I also like the party idea and the hamster in my brain is spinning on the wheel around an idea of having a "wake" to mark the positives of my marriage and allow it to be officially put to rest. I like it and I'll keep thinking of it and keep you posted if I put something together.
Hi Coach, Dudess and RTL, I posted a few days ago, and it's taken me longer than expected to get back.
Coach - nice to "see" you. Staying detached from B's turbulence has helped me a lot - though I can't say that I'm always as successful at it as I would like to be. Last Friday, as shew as picking up my S2 to go visit her parents for the weekend - she just had this strange presence about her - as though I should just do anything to accommodate her - and it upset me more than I wanted it to...Let me explain, I was at the top of the stairs holding my son, she was down on the street rummaging through her trunk - and supposedly in a hurry. Eventually, she looked up and said, "well, bring him down." To which I said, "I'm not going to bring him down to you, come up and get him." It was cold of me - I know - but I also know that she was trying to control me yet again - and it's become increasingly obvious to me that any kindness on my part will be taken advantage of by her...without fail...and so I prefer to offer only my indifference instead.
As for writing...yes, I am writing - mostly screenplays these days, but still working every now and then on a novel.
I hope you had a wonderful trip - do let me know if you ever find yourself in southern CA.
Dudess - the grief certainly seems to come in waves and stages. It was augmented a bit today as I was preparing to do some Easter things with my boys. It was strange and sad over the weekend to be at a friend's house - surrounded by his family and his friend's with children - and to know that only half of my family was there with me - that my baby boy was far away visiting his mother's family.
Sometimes I wonder if B is still in pain - or if she's just accepted herself as who she is now - angry and bitter toward so many people - but I don't spend much time thinking about what she's doing...there's so little to be gained from it, and so much time and energy to be wasted.
I've been thinking that some sort of ritual might be a very good idea - even if it's just of my own making.
RTL - sad and angry...odd how often those two emotions can mingle. As much as I work toward accepting my life and doing my best with my situation - it does exhaust me at times to deal over and over with new repercussions of her inability to work on herself. I'm also finding that I still have much work to do in terms of improving myself - and being more of the man I aspire to be - for myself and for my children.
I have my oldest son home with me this week. It's his Spring break, and normally we would be traveling right now - but this time we're staying home and spending it together as best we can. He broke a finger at school this week, so I'll have to shelve the plans I had to take him camping for a couple days - instead I may take the boys down to the Aquarium on Wednesday.
Easter is such a family-oriented holiday...so much about the happiness of children - and hearing their laughter...not hearing my baby boy's laughter yesterday cut deep into me...but we'll be picking him up early from school today...and then the boys will get to hunt around the apartment for the loot I've tucked away in various corners and cabinets...nothing like loads of chocolate, gummy bears and toys to make two great boys happy...and then a bit nutty...
Sorry you aren't travelling, but glad you'll still spend quality time w/your son.
As for the incident w/B, I've slipped myself from time to time w/my XW and as long as you can learn something from it, you didn't do yourself any harm. If we all were performing perfectly all the time, what would we ever learn?
Hi Rob, It's been nice to be home with S11. We still had stuff to put in order around the apartment - so we did much of that today - which seemed to make him very happy.
On the STBX front, had another gem from her today - an email telling me that she claimed our S2 on her taxes - though we had agreed that I would claim him on mine...I work as a freelancer, don't have taxes taken out often - and make about 2x as much as she does...so deductions are important for me...as she knows...but instead I get an email from her claiming that she took the child credit on the advice of her accountant...the same accountant who seemed to ignore the fact that married filing separately will cost us both more...Sometimes I feel like I am divorcing a teenager - I don't say that to be insulting or belittling - I just feel like she behaves like a teenager - with the same sense of entitlement and the same complaints about an unfair world.
In response to her violation of trust, I wrote her a note saying just that - that I took her action as a violation of an agreement between us, and then urged her to look into what she had to for herself so that we could move forward with our divorce - she has been in the stalling phase for quite a while now - and I was holding off until she stopped coming at me with threats of calling the police - since it seemed like any action on my part would have made her even more volatile. I think I was also using that reasoning as an excuse to hold out just a little longer - to see if anything could change in her - if she could decide to work on herself and improve herself - rather than continue to blame all that is wrong in her life on me...nope...but enough of that...the tranquility of being in my own place is unmistakable - so, too, is the calm my S11 tells me he feels.
My S11 was looking at pictures today of a trip we took to Mexico when B was pregnant. We had an incredible time - and it was one of the best vacations of my life. When I looked at the pictures, I remembered the fun I had with both my S11 and B, but I did not feel the kind of sadness I expected to hit me...It felt like I was looking at any photographs of my past - and just other moments that I can cherish but that I don't need to yearn to repeat. Someday I'll take both of my boys snorkeling with me - and we'll have amazing photos to look back on from that trip as well...oh...one thing that did come to mind while looking at these photos - was something B said when still finding more reasons to justify her leaving - she said that I made that trip all about my son, and that I didn't care at all about her while we were there...amazing...given that when we were there, and when we flew back, I remember how she held my hand and said it was the best trip of her life...Oh well, memory seems to have its own seasons, so that while the landscape it traverses might be the same, one never knows if memory will come in the guise of a tempest or a gentle sun.
Time to dish out some ice cream for S11...his broken finger is giving him a fit.
B's revisionist history will keep her distorting reality in order to justify her current actions. It is ok to be disappointed, but don't let it get to you. You know the truth.
You have owned up to your shortcomings and have used this knowledge to become a better you. Keep that focus and you'll continue to be ok.
As for the saddness, I completely agree w/what you're saying. I too find things that make me sad (or hear music, etc.) and get into my "mini-funks" over it. It is ok and completely natural as long as you keep these little down periods very little indeed.
Hang in there and enjoy S11 while you have him - broken finger and all.
((Carlos)) Just reading along & catching up. I remember going through a similar mourning experience after watching a movie. I hugged the pillow & sobbed away.
It is hard to grieve the loss of a marriage, dreams, a future, & your family intact. It does come in waves. Some days the change seems like an opportunity, other days, it seems like the sun may never shine again. Especially when looking into our children's faces and trying to explain why we can't all live together still.
taking care of you is the best thing you can do for your kids
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Hi Rob, The sad moments seem to be coming along more rarely now - though they still show up from time to time. I'm in a different place now than I could have imagined myself being just a few months ago - and realizing a lot more about why things fell apart for us as they did.
Her revisions of our life don't bother me anymore - they just kind of intrigue me...and make me see again and again just how much anger she has in her. This past weekend, my S2 was sick on Saturday - which he usually spends with me - so she suggested he stay with her so that he could get some rest - I understood that, and agreed, especially since I knew that I had a lot of running around to do on Saturday - and he would not have enjoyed it much. So Sunday came around, and I texted to ask if he was feeling better and also to ask if he come spend some time with me that day since I hadn't seen him the day before - she agreed - and dropped him off around 10:30ish...five minutes after dropping him off she called and started snipping at me about being back by 1pm - because he needs to sleep. I said he could nap at my place if I'm running late - but she just kept getting angrier...so I let it go...
I didn't let go because I wanted to avoid an argument - I let it go because I realized what she was doing - she was, once again, trying to draw me into her dynamic of tension and anger - and I just don't want to have anything to do with it.
About a week ago - she sent me an email asking if she could borrow my portable hard drive so she could copy some files off of it - I had already said no to this request before, and had offered to burn her a disk with all the files she needed - that was a month ago - and she ignored that offer. Now last week she emailed me in a panic saying that she wanted to borrow the hard drive, and adding that if I was uncomfortable with that, would I mind burning the files to disk for her...So I did - I burnt all her files to three disks...and having to look at some of the images she requested was just heartbreaking. Along with other files, she wanted "family pictures" for an album she says she's putting together for S2. His birthday is in Sept - so there's plenty of time until then - but she seemed to want these pics now - so I saved to disk all the pics of him from when she was pregnant until she moved out...
Gathering those images meant that I had to look at months and months of memories - and constant reminders of the little family that she broke up. It made me very sad to look at some of the pictures - and it did make me cry - but I stopped short of wanting her back - it was mostly just sad to me that what I saw in these pictures wasn't enough...the happiness was clear - but not captured in the pictures was the tension at the margins. Looking back now, I can see the memories that surrounded the happier images - and I remember how often she snipped at my S11 and how often she made both my S11 and me feel like we were interfering with her time with S2. I could also see picture after picture that contradicted so many of the things she said about me in order to justify her leaving - and it made it so much easier to see that her leaving wasn't really about me...since the disparity between who I am/was and who she claimed I am/was is just far too vast.
I'm doing better now - a lot better. Still dealing with practical issues of life - like work, finding time and inspiration to write, etc - but always enjoying my time with my kids - and ever more certain that the end of my marriage with B is for the best.
