HELP...I'M BEING AN IDIOT!!

[healedbutscarred]

I'm sure a lot of you will agree that I am probably nuts after reading this! First let me say that I have absolutely no reason whatsoever to even think my H has been in touch with the XOW in anyway in over a year! Things have been wonderful and we are both happy and our R is strong. I am trying to keep my thoughts to myself and not say anything to my H because it would cause him to be hurt and I'm sure angry.
The last time I had these crazy thoughts was the first of July (it was "her" birthday..why I remembered that Lord only knows!). I wondered if my H remembered it was her birthday and if he had sent her a card like the year before (when he had promised not to have contact with her but had been since the A ended). I gave myself a stern talking to and told myself that if he hadn't been thinking of her or remembered her birthday,all I would do by asking him if he'd been in touch with her would be to make him think about her and I sure didn't want that!! So I kept my mouth shut and quietly "obcessed" for the day and then by the next day I was fine again!
Now as for what has put my brain into overdrive again.....
My H and I were reading the paper this morning and I was reading about the severe weather caused by the hurricane in certain areas. Well,one of the hard hit areas happens to be where "she" lives. He was checking out the forecast here and I was reading about other places. I honestly didn't think about "her" at first. I was thinking about this place on the coast where we go and have such a great time. I mentioned to him that I really hoped that "our place" would be ok. He told me not to worry..that he was sure that everything would be ok and by Feb. we'd still be able to go there for our anniversary. I started reading to him about what they were predicting and how they had imposed a curfew and stuff. I looked up at him and he was staring into space. Yep,you guessed it my nutty brain went crazy with weird thoughts!! I feel like an idiot now but couldn't seem to help myself!! I wondered if he was thinking about "her" and worrying about if she and her family was ok. I wondered if he'd email her when he got to work to check on her. I told you I was having crazy thoughts!! I bit my tongue and kept my thoughts to myself. When he left I rode my exercise bike like a fiend trying to get the thoughts out of my head. I have asked myself..."so what if he does..will it really be that big of a deal?" I suppose some of you are asking the same question. But here's the deal...He promised me over a year ago when I caught him still emailing her that it would end right then and there and he would never ever be in touch with her again and if he heard from her he'd tell me. Now if he does even send a simple email asking how she is it would be a promise broken and if he didn't tell me it would be like lying to me. I understand that it would be hard for him to come to me and say "I feel that I just need to ask if they are all ok" and it would probably tick me off but at least he'd be being honest with me. Also if he did get in touch,she might see it as an "opening to try and get back with him" or a sign that he "cares for her still".
My question is how do I stop myself from obcessing about this? I really don't have any reason to believe he has or will get in touch with her. I rarely ever think about "is he contacting her" anymore and have really been doing so good! Is it just my brain still not being able to completely and totally trust? My heart tells me I am just being an idiot and that I can trust him. I feel like an idiot afterwards and I am always so glad that I didn't say anything to my H!
Thanks for listening!! I guess I just needed to get it out of my system!! Needed to tell someone who understands where I am coming from and what I am going through. Also it helped so much to come here instead of saying something to my H. I feel better already!! PAT

[matilda]

Well, I see the has-he-had-contact-with-the-OW virus is really going around the board these days. I wonder if there's a shot we can take for that .


You're not being an idiot for having those thoughts -- just human. The fact that you didn't say anything to you H is a testiment as to how far you've come in the last year.


You know what, Pat, he may very well have thought about her for an instant in this circumstance. It would probably only be because he knows somebody who lives in the path of a hurricane. It would be like when any other out-of-the-ordinary situation occurs and our neighbor's sister's brother's dog-walker was involved -- gee, we feel a little kick that we are somehow "involved" because of that relationship. Get my meaning here? Yeah, he may have thought about the fact that someone he knows/knew lives in that area, but that doesn't mean he would want to contact her. My feeling is that even an "innocent" thought like that would probably make your H feel bad and he definately wouldn't want to exacerbate it by actually contacting her.


If you've read my posts, you know that my H sent a final email to the EA -- with my full knowledge and blessing. It is also my understanding that her B'day is/was this week. He says he doesn't remember the exact date (probably true). So, I have wondered on more than one occasion if she contacted him after receiving his email, or if he contacted her to wish her a happy b'day. I haven't asked. I fully expect him to keep his promises to me about that. If I find out he hasn't, it will be over. That is the decision I've made about my sitch. I won't live with a man who has no integrity and no honor. I won't live with a man who would continue to show such for disrespect me and who would continue to hurt me. This is his last chance. I haven't said that to him, but he knows.

And I know that as each day goes by that he keeps his promises to me, to himself, to his kids, and to God his honor and his integrity are being restored. He is starting to feel better about himself -- ever so slightly, but I can see the difference in his eyes and in his mannerisms. He still continues to beat himself up. Just last night we were talking about how he is always putting himself down. He just can't find anything positive to say/think about himself.


This board is still a wonderful place to come to vent some of our crazy thoughts!

Here's a crazy thought for you -- maybe the hurricane will blow the OW into orbit!!! Just wishful thinking for all the OW's of the world.


Mattie

[Ultreya]

Isn't it amazing how just getting the thoughts into concrete words and onto (cyber) paper can make you feel instantly a little better... I love that aspect of this bb.

Anyway... He may or may not have been thinking of her... and I agree it is best that you did not press this with him... don't want to open that can up.

You know you can't control his thoughts... and would you want to if you could... really??? He is with you and you are seeing and experiencing forward movement and slow healing. I may be naive in my thoughts, since my SO is in contact with exow and really makes no bones about it... knows it hurts me sometimes. Anyway.... what if you try to look at his passing thought of her in the midst of an oncomming huricane as just being a compassionate human being. Wouldn't you rather build a life with someone that has the capacity for compassion and concern for the well being of another being?

Please don't take my words as a way to negate your feelings... believe me when I say I understand the desire for the exow to just vanish without a trace. But if you can allow him the strength to love you and build a life with you while still caring for others (even others that you might not feel deserve it)... it might help to solidify the love that you feel for him and the love he does show you is real. Make any sense at all??

Just my thoughts,
U

[TinaG]

Pat

I agree with Mattie, you are human and that is why you are having these thoughts. I know that if I get to where you are I will have these crazy thoughts at times as well, i can guarantee it. But you did the right thing you kept them in your head. Better yet try not to have them at all, do the thought stopping thing.

It would be unrealistic to believe that he will never have thoughts of her and also unrealistic to believe that he will act on these thoughts.

I had jealous tendencies in my M and is part of the reason why I am where I am. I think I can toss that now as H is having an EA and I have accepted it and know that it must run its course. The point I'm trying to make is that when you are not trusted (in any way) it doesn't feel too good. I didn't realize this until (in the beginning of my sitch) I asked my H to have faith in me that all I wanted was for him to be happy. He told me that he didn't know if he trusted that in me,wow that hurt. It was time to stand in his shoes. I didn't like it.

I don't know your whole sitch but obviously you are working things out. You did the right thing by not saying anything, come here and vent. You have to both trust each other, showing doubt will only weaken your bond. I have to constantly remind myself of this and it helps to post here, this site is great!

Take Care

[healedbutscarred]

THANKS EVERYONE!!! Wanted you all to know that I made it through the day!! Did get out with a friend and went shopping. It was pouring down rain but it was nice to get out and put things out of my mind!! It sure helped venting here yesterday morning and it did help me to put things into perspective!! You will be happy to hear that I had a smile on my face and not a thought in my head about the XOW when my H got home from work!! I kept my big mouth shut and we had a very very nice evening together !! This morning I feel great...the rain has stopped...my mind is free of nasty thoughts!! (Mattie....even though I try really really hard to be a nice person and I try to not wish harm on anyone,I did get a big smile from the thought you had !!..actually I felt so bad later about thinking that it was such a great idea, I decided that I only wanted her house and car to flood!! ....Lord,I'm such a B*#@H sometimes!!) Anyway...thanks for caring everybody and thanks for always being here for me no matter how large or small my problem!! YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST !!!!

[ANS]

Hi Pat,

My guess is that he did think about her. It may have been a fleeting thought, or it may have been longer thoughts - concern.

But the important thing is that it wasn't affection.

Like U, I don't want you to take my words as minimizing your feelings. There's no right or wrong when it comes to feelings.

So when you get these feelings, just ride it out, Pat. You've posted so much positive stuff about how well you've done getting over it. You've often posted that as time goes on, it gets better and better.

XOW is history.

Glad to see you've ridden it out.

TTFN,

[RMC]

Pat-I need help.H is still being distant and cold to me because of his own guilt and what he percieves I did. I have decided to opologise in C about the kids, but I don't know how to handle it if he says he won't stop talking to the OW.I feel really weak in letting him get by with this but I am not ready to give him an ultimatum. I still feel like he loves me and not her, but she obviously has something on him. He has promised he will not see or be with her, but he promised that about the no contact too.

I feel I'm being taken adnavtage of here, He knows I don't want him to leave, but it tears me up thinking about them talking. He cannot give 100% of himself to our M if he is still talking to her and it is so disrespectful to me. I can't beleive he thinks I should except this! I'm not sure how to handle myself at this point-I'm so mad at him and feel like a fool, but I have still been loving to him like an idiot. What did you mean when you said this may be a test?
Rachael

[healedbutscarred]

First of all I need to tell you that only you can determine when you have reached the limit as to what you can take and what you can't. You will know when the time is right for you to tell your H...IT'S EITHER HER OR ME!! It just sounds to me like he has some unresolved issues with this OW. I heard Dr. Phil speak once time and he said if a H is willing to give up the physical R with OW but contimues to stay in touch with her then he still has feelings or things he needs to resolve with her. I feel that is the way it was with my H. He had to know that he was doing wrong by staying in contact with her because he has not only broken his promise to me but lied to me about it. He was trying to keep me from knowing about the contact so he had to know he was doing something wrong. But later when we talked he admitted that he needed some "closure" and he told her that he was happy now and that things were going very well with us. He then told her that that couldn't be friends and that she should get on with her life and never contact him again. I tried to understand he needed "closure" and I have let it drop now and have no reason to believe he has contacted her since.
You don't need me or anyone else telling you that your H is being "emotionally unfaithful" to you. Maybe he has stopped seeing the OW (and I sincerely hope he is being honest about that) but that still doesn't make it right that he is in touch with her. You are right when you say he can't be giving 100% to your M if there is someone else in the picture in any way!!
Maybe he is just trying to see just how much you will accept. He has to know he isn't being fair to you or to your R but as long as you are accepting the fact that she is in his life,he will continue to do what he wants. I understand that if you issue the ultimatum you run the risk of him walking out and going to her. But he is evidently attached to this OW in some way so he could possibly go to her anyway. I am not trying to hurt you by saying this but I think you know what the possibilities are. But it could also go the other way. Maybe he is waiting for you to get in his face and tell him he HAS to give her up or lose you. Maybe he wants you to show him just how much you do love him by insisting he get her out of his life or risk losing you. That sounds crazy but there are men (and women) who honestly feel that way. But I don't know your H and you would be the one to know if he is that type.
Bottom line is YOU are the only one who can decide when "enough is enough". Some people can handle more than others. I know I couldn't live like that. I would have to tell him "she goes or I go". I basically did that and I was fortunate in that my H understood my feelings and honered them and knew he loved me,not her and he chose to get her out of the picture and put 100% into US.
Pat