Need advise and support - desperately

[Jerri]

Hi
I posted my original story in the MLC forum (MLC Maybe). I had one coaching session so far with Jody who advised LRT. So since 23rd March have been keeping all communication to minimum - just text and e-mails - all financial stuff. I don't see him at all - he is living 80 miles away and spending his weekends (I think) with his sister and BIL out on LI. First I'm not sure if LRT is the way to go - he always accused me of being "cold" and "emotionless" - I'm not, I tend to think a lot and I always found it really hard to talk to him, mainly because he never really let me talk (he did all the talking) and whenever I tried to say anything he'd interrupt and start putting his own interpretation on everything.
This coming Saturday I had planned to go and see my daughter (she's in college in Florida) in her rowing competition in NJ.
Was hoping my husband would be there so he could see the new, improved me (physically anyway). Well, my daughter messed up big time and has been suspended from the rowing team - so my plan is shot to hell. I'm just having such a hard time and just keep wondering whether I should just go file for a separation. He has made no moves to do so - in fact the only people who know about the separation are his parents, two sisters and their husbands. The only reason an uncle of his knows is beause I told him. I keep reading his e-mails to me in which he says the marriage is over, that he doesn' want to live the next 23 years of his life with me that everything is just too late.......
Jerri

[WaitingPatiently]

Hi Jerri,

I wouldn't file for the separation unless that's what you want. Is it, or would you just be doing it b/c he moved out? What started all of this? Is there another woman?

WP

[Jerri]

Here's my original post - very, very long
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1747211&page=4#Post1747211

[WaitingPatiently]

I read it. I'm sorry for all the trouble you're going through. Your H seems very selfish and immature. How can he not be understanding when you're sick? Did you get sick on purpose to ruin NYD? I doubt it. On the flip side (and I'm playing devil's advocate here) are you always a homebody and he's someone who wants to always be doing something? Does he communicate with you at all? This has been going on since 8/07? Why hasn't he filed?

[Jerri]

"he's someone who wants to always be doing something?"

He only became bad in this aspect the past few years - when he started claiming he couldn't "relax" at home. The things he likes doing - snowmobiling, quading, scuba diving (anything reckless and dangerous) I just don't want to do. I tried scuba diving and I HATED it - sent me into a major panic attack - which he simply didn't understand. When he goes snowmobiling (my eldest son told me this) he's travelling at crazy speeds 100+ miles an hour and no-one can keep up with him. Plus I was really trapped at home because of having to look after the horse (he horse has been re-homed now). I still have the dogs (thank god) but they aren't nearly as restrictive as the horse was.
No communication at all beyond me having to ask for him to give me money every week so I can pay the household bills.
He left in February 09 so hasn't been going on that long - though it seems like an eternity.
The strange thing is - everything seemed fine - he bought me diamond and sapphire earrings for Christmas, we were spending more time together (going to the movies, out to eat etc). The bomb came right out of nowhere............

[WaitingPatiently]

Really sounds like a MLC. I'm definitely no expert on the subject, but that's what it seems like to me. Is there anything you can do to be more outgoing that he might notice and want to be a part of? You seem to really love your animals, which is great, but don't let them rule your life. Does your H think the dogs/horse/house are your #1 priority?

[Jerri]

Does your H think the dogs/horse/house are your #1 priority?

The house - not so much. The horse is gone. The dogs - yes. BUT they were my mainstay when he was gone 100 hrs a week - my hobby, my occupation. If I'd taken up stamp collecting as a hobby - well when my h suddenly decided he wanted to go off wherever on every weekend I could have stuffed the albums in draws and merrily left with him. Dogs - living, breathing animals that can't easily be stuffed in drawers:)
I was already considering cutting back - but he claims it is all too late.

"Really sounds like a MLC"

I think MLC too but he is not getting any kind of help except for his alcoholic sister taking him bar hopping.

[WaitingPatiently]

This really isn't something I'm equipped to speak on, but I will say that it sounds to me like you really need to work on you for now and let your H figure himself out. I don't think you mentioned an OW, right? Better he hangs out with sister and husband than with OW. What's your H's true character like? I mean, is easily influential by people like his sister? Do you think his true self will come out of all this?

[Jerri]

"What's your H's true character like? I mean, is easily influential by people like his sister? Do you think his true self will come out of all this?"

His true character????? Hmmmm he's always been pretty gullible about people - and yes easily influenced by his sister and BIL. Course he gave them $40K last summer as they were in dire straits (sister and BIL have a high-spending lifestyle without the income). Since he started making a lot of money - well that "buys" a lot of things, including people doesn't it? And he is spending in a big way.

[Jerri]

Am a little disturbed - dropped by to see my eldest today (son from first marriage - he works for my h). Son said that my h wanted to know what had happened to the truck! Apparently he drove by the house the "other day". (H is living over 80 miles a way and hasn't been by the house since he left). So why is he "driving by" and what the hell does he care what happened to the truck? It was my truck and I sold it (don't need it any more). Son was good and was very vague and suggested that if H really wanted to know he should ask me.
I'm also worried because I'm going away this coming weekend - a friend of mine is coming to dog sit for me (unfortunately H knows because youngest son told him). I don't want him coming by when I'm not here. Don't want my friend to have to deal with him (denying him entrance to the house).