Da' Bomb has Landed; PLEASE Help

[Goingdownhill]

Well, after a year or more on this post, the second bomb has finally landed. I had hoped with all my heart I could have avoided this night. Here goes what he said in a letter he left for me before leaving tonight........(Its long; sorry please read). PLEASE HELP ME WITH SOME ADVICE TONIGHT!

*****************
[quote][/quote]Some things I think you should know. Some things I doubt you'll want to hear but within this text you will find answers-a piece of mind-and hopefully happiness.

First off I think you should now how I feel about you and how I've always felt about you and how things have changed. When I met you, I found a long awaited friend and a new best friend in a new and exotic land (CA for readers). You had a vivacious personality and challenged me. I did not want a girlfriend as I was very dedicated to the last person and didn't think it right to be with another woman. I loved her before I met you but it took a woman like you to move me and you did and my mind filled with just you. I let you do whatever you wanted to do because I didn't want to be hurt if I was close to you because you had a tendency to wander. You may say otherwise but it was true. I figured I'd hang in there and either you'd settle down or you wouldn't. So we dated and dated and married. I turned a not so blind eye to some of the things you did and laughed at them knowing it turned me inside out inside. I figured it best that I didn't buckle over some of the incidents you were in with other men. You will no doubt think it was my fault that I didn't date you, tell you I loved you, or whatever and maybe there is some truth in all that. I did however only date 2 gals after I met you. One of them was while you were dating another man. That all works because we needed to figure out what we wanted and didn't want and I never wanted to hurt you by lying to you about my desires. I always desired you and you made my heart race when you'd call or when I'd see you.

We then married and set our life goals together. You had access to everything in my life and I was there. You however had walls that I couldn't break thru and you spent much of your time building a career. Those were always ok with me but in my mind I had very unsettling thoughts of our relationship and the resistance you would give me about being around. There was always a reason. Then when I'd try to be with you, you'd wander off and I'd be alone even when I was there for you. It wasn't always the case but almost always and it offended me to no end. I'd be left on my own once again. I'd try and try year after year to get you on a schedule so I could be with you. But you would state that it was just me trying to control you. It wasn't, it was me trying to share our lives together. It was me wanting to be husband and wife the way I knew it. Then there were always comments about other men, and your behavior around them. I can't tell you how many times things were mentioned to me about your behavior with other men. It was an obvious behavior unbecoming of a married woman. I pushed it aside and moved on but every time I'd move on and ignore things that shouldn't have been it was taking a heavy toll on me emotionally. There were any other issues and I won't list them as it will serve no benefit. My goal here is to answer the question you have and I have. That question is "what has happened between us".

At some point, I would just stop wanting to be with you in mixed company because I always felt deserted.

I chose not to go to events with you because at some point there would in almost all likely hood be a melt down and your insulting tongue would go to work. Once again I won't list the details as it serves no purpose. Then there were always the comments about what I hadn't done and failed to do and when I'd talk to people all I'd hear was what I needed to do better at home etc. I came to resist being around you and your friends. I just find little pleasure in being around you but I loved you dearly. I saw the way your mom was to your dad and although you'd complain about her behavior you'd launch into me the same way. So at some point I shut you off and you are correct that 2 yrs ago I'd had enough. Couple the demeaning behavior and lack of trust you showed me (listing your dad as beneficiary, our kids, deactivating me on our computer, refusing to pay bills, fighting over paying bills, accusing me of stealing from the joint acct.) the list just goes on yet I overlooked it because I thought there no more beautiful woman in the land. My error is that I ignored it because that culmination of the actions ruined my passion for you. I've discussed much of this with you but I think it now time to take the appropriate action which is to think about our lives apart from each other. I know you've tried and done good but I also know that all I have to do is wait 2-3 weeks and there is another melt down. I'm done living like this with you. You deserve more and so do I.

I don't plan on US staying together through the end of this year so I want you to think about all of this and how you want to handle it. You are not my enemy and I have nothing to hide or keep from you. I' a great father and will continue to be. My wish and desire is that you and I will maintain a friendship at the minimum for the benefit of the kids. We need to think about the splitting of the assets and how we can best do it. We have a lot less of it but we are still better off than most. I want the kids to stay in (our town) if possible but we'll see. I don't need an immediate response but would rather you think about all this. I know you've had a chance and I've mentioned it before but living in limbo for you and me is not a place in life I care to be at. I need to move on and so do you. I will return Sunday night with S12 and I won't talk to him about this until you and I discuss it. We can use an atty, abitrator, counselor or whatever as long as we address it".

signed H

[Goingdownhill]

Is there a better forum list for me to post to since it seems I'm no longer a newcomer but starting to have same/similar experiences as the veterans on this BB.

[Goingdownhill]

I guess this sich is so bad, its beyond commentary. Or am I doing something wrong on the posts? I would love any feedback even if its to tell me I'm the one to blame. I am at fault in this relationships demise for sure. But so is he.

[EnoughAlready]

GDH,

I read your post twice and nowhere did I find anything in there where your H said he no longer loved you, or did I miss it? I did feel his pain and if everything he said was true, I probably would leave, too. I'm guessing you would like to save this R, otherwise, you wouldn't be here. But what have you done to try and save it? Have you talked to him?

[Trixi]

Weekends are usually slower with regard to people posting. Having said that, I am not really clear on what the sitch is or what sort of advice you are seeking. I mean, are you really looking for someone to blame? (ie, him or you?) When you are more concerned with whose fault it is, you aren't looking in the mirror or trying to grow. Blaming each other never gets a couple anywhere. It is just scorekeeping. Does he feel like you keep score? (something to think about.)

Have you read DB or DR? If so, have you been practicing those things? have you ever gone dark? Does what he says have any merit? (DO you go back to the old ways within a matter of a few weeks?) Have you validated his concerns and made a real effort to change? Do you see any value in changing *for yourself*?

He sounds hurt and numb. And it also sounds like there might be someone else on the horizon. (sorry.)

It takes time (normally) to get a divorce, so it's not a done deal yet. Really REALLY think about what he is saying. You can tell him that you don't want a divorce but you're not going to stand in his way if he does. You can validate "I still believe we can make our marriage work, but I can see why you would think this is the only solution. I have really hurt you in the past and for that, I am so sorry."
Telling him he is wrong, stupid, or ignoring what he is saying will only be more of the same demeaning behavior. You might want to get "How to Save your marriage without talking about it." I haven't read it but my understanding is that it shows how without realizing it, sometimes we can be disrespecting our spouses.

[Kalni]

Trixi is right, people dont post much during weekends...

Having said that, I dont know what advice to give you. His letter shows no anger but a "let's get over with this" attitude because he cant handle the hurt anymore. And Trixi is right again saying that the last thing to do right now is to try and find who is to blame. The most correct answer to that is almost always :both partners.

Some things he says, if realy true, are very hurtful. Were you aware of the fact that he has burt by them? Did you try to change your attitude. You cant force him to change but you sure can change yourself if you put your mind to it.

What it all comes down to is, what do you want to you? Do you want to save your marriage? Are you willing to do all it takes? Because if you do, he has sure given you some clear "guidelines" about all the things you should try and change...
Stay strong, good luck...
K

[Goingdownhill]

NHT,

Some of what he's said is true and some was his perception (mostly the men issues). I've never ever, ever cheated on him ever. Not even an EA. I have been a devoted wife and mother for 17 years to him and only him.

The work issues/career and being gone is totally true. Being critical, nagging, begging, pleading of him true. I have been DB/DR/DB coach for about a year now and basically trying to get him to open up to some communication. I mostly 180 such as not engaging in the debate, trying to act as if, not reminding him of R, not talking about R or our future, went PT at work so I could be home every morning and night for 3 years now, made concious effort to stay with him at the xmas party, more and more and lots more sex, lost 15 lbs, started wearing sexier clothes (he's visual), shaved the forest at his request, and many other things. His primary Love Language is Physical. Read DB, 5 Love Languages, doing the Love Dare, watched Fireproof, took him on dates alone even ballroom dancing.

We are talking tonight after he returned home from a trip with my son. I'm at my parents.

[Goingdownhill]

Kalni,

I want to save my marriage. We deserve it and so do our kids.

[Goingdownhill]

Trixi says "And it also sounds like there might be someone else on the horizon. (sorry.)"

I believe it is his high school sweetheart who just filed for divorce on 3/19. I believe they may have had an affair at the 25yr reuntion in 9/07. He came home didn't want to have six after being gone (very unusual). A week later had a bruise on his shaft. So I got suspicious, very suspicious. Now last night I found a CD of pictures of them together at the reunion. So I started searching more. He is internet dependent. Mostly gun sites and facebook. She is on his facebook account. I confronted him on it (blew up actually about it which I lost my cool (very bad in DR). Now she isn't there any longer.

Also, found a Victoria Secret receipt around V-Day for 6 pairs of underwear and I only received 3. Confronted him on that not so cooly.

Last night I found where she filed for divorce in TX. We are in CA. 2 weeks later, I get the letter I posted. My EAP counselor says that I have a right to know the reality of this. So I'm trying to get him to her this week.

[Sara]

If he's willing, which he may not be, you could try a weekend at Retrouvaille, see http://www.helpourmarriage.org. The weekend would improve the communication between you and you would know what he was thinking and feeling a lot better than you do. But, if there's another woman, then understanding isn't going to solve the problem.