I had a thread in newcomers for a while just after I got the bomb in Nov '08, that was a big help in getting through my separation and divorce in January. DB'ing went a long way towards improving my relationship with my XW in a short time, but not enough to save the marriage. The divorce was quick and relatively painless (3 kids, sharing custody). We agreed that it would in our kids' best interest for us to continue living in the same town and try to remain friends, and so far that's been working pretty well. I work regular day hours and she has started working nights bartending, so they are always with one of us and sometimes both of us when we have a meal together or watch a movie together or something.
But now she's got a boyfriend, and she's already brought up the possibility of her moving a couple of times. The BF thing hurts some, but I can appreciate that she waited until after the divorce instead of having an affair. I do still have hope that XW and I will reconcile someday, but for now I am happy with developing our friendship and raising our kids together.
What I am having a hard time dealing with is her selfishness in wanting to move away with our girls so she can get a "fresh start". Our girls are 6, 5, and 2. I think they've seen enough change in the last 4 months without packing up and moving to a new town without their dad! And for my part, I sure as hell don't want to be a part-time father. I've been a crappy husband at times, but I've been a very good dad to my kids and they need me as much as I need them!
Ok, needed to vent a little, thanks for letting me get that off my chest. I knew the aftermath of a divorce wasn't going to be all sunshine and lollipops. I guess the reason I'm here is that I would love to talk to some people who are going through or have been through what I am. So please, drop in and say hello! I'll be happy to answer any questions you have, and I'm all ears for any advice or thoughts you might want to share!
Me 30 WAW 28 Married 7, together 10 3 daughters: 6,5,and 2 Bomb dropped: 11/08 Divorced: 1/09
We live in North Dakota, USA. I didn't realize it would happen so fast either, but we didn't really have anything to fight about, so that sped things up. We agreed on sharing custody, how to split assets/debts, and child support payments. Went together to a lawyer to have paperwork done on 1/5/09, signed papers on 1/16/09, and that was that! We live in a disposable society, and I guess that includes marriages.
After reading some of the horror stories in this forum regarding fighting over custody and money, I am very thankful that my ex and I were able to split amicably and still be friends. It's sad how much money gets spent on divorce lawyers. My ex and I couldn't really afford lawyers even if we had wanted them, so we did it peacefully and spent $400 total.
If we had gone 5 months, much less 5 YEARS, without getting the divorce done I think my ex would have flipped out. She's not exactly the patient type - she wants what she wants ASAP.
Me 30 WAW 28 Married 7, together 10 3 daughters: 6,5,and 2 Bomb dropped: 11/08 Divorced: 1/09
welcome, hope you find support here. She shouldn't be able to just up and move the girls with her, if you share custody you have to agree to her moving, have you let her know you are not about to give up on the girls? hope it doens't get to that but you might have to look up what will it take to take this matter to court.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
You have shared custody, and she won't be able to move with the kids without your approval (either she gives up and leaves you the full custody or fight with you to get herself full custody in order to take the kids along). I had done with one year shared custody before STBX moved to USA. He also "invited" me to move to USA and continue our separation there and thus "maintaining the shared custody". But it was too ideal for him : OW (now bigamous wife) lives with him; his abandoned wife (me) handy to take care of the children and render his visitation easy. No, I said no. Now I have full custody with the kids in France.
Your divorce just happedned so fast time there's no time to brew any complications yet.
If you ex wants to move to another state, are you ready to take the three young kids with you all the time?Are you ready to let her take them with her and do a lot of travel for each visitation? It sucks. We think we can do whether we please when we are divorced - that's true only when there are no children involved. My STBX moved to USA and climbs up his career ladder when I take care of our two daughters all the time which made me difficult to find a good job. Good job offers good salary and this demand long working hours/devotion and travel. I cannot make it. I have to chauffer the kids all the time and I have to cook, clean, take care of the household, yard, pool..... all on my own. That's why I can only work 70% and I just make a very little salary.
Somehow when my daughters fight with me and not happy when asked to help with some housework - I felt so unfair to be a single parent and house the burden all on my shoulder and no one is happy.
I hope you can find a compromise.
Have a nice day!
my last thread : Lost in his MLC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=957116&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
You have shared custody, and she won't be able to move with the kids without your approval (either she gives up and leaves you the full custody or fight with you to get herself full custody in order to take the kids along). I had done with one year shared custody before STBX moved to USA. He also "invited" me to move to USA and continue our separation there and thus "maintaining the shared custody". But it was too ideal for him : OW (now bigamous wife) lives with him; his abandoned wife (me) handy to take care of the children and render his visitation easy. No, I said no. Now I have full custody with the kids in France.
Your divorce just happedned so fast there's no time to brew any complications yet.
If you ex wants to move to another state, are you ready to take the three young kids with you all the time?Are you ready to let her take them with her and do a lot of travel for each visitation? It sucks. We think we can do whether we please when we are divorced - that's true only when there are no children involved. My STBX moved to USA and climbs up his career ladder when I take care of our two daughters all the time which made me difficult to find a good job. Good job offers good salary and this demand long working hours/devotion and travel. I cannot make it. I have to chauffer the kids all the time and I have to cook, clean, take care of the household, yard, pool..... all on my own. That's why I can only work 70% and I just make a very little salary.
Somehow when my daughters fight with me and not happy when asked to help with some housework - I felt so unfair to be a single parent and house the burden all on my shoulder and no one is happy.
I hope you can find a compromise.
Have a nice day!
Last edited by F_KITTY; 04/01/0906:38 AM.
my last thread : Lost in his MLC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=957116&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
Nice to meet you! What a breath of fresh air your new family arrangements are even though it was something you never sought. You gave a real gift to your children in how you both handled the divorce.
It sounds like your ex-spouse is used to getting things on her own terms. Double check the divorce decree and confirm what the agreement is. She probably can't move without alerting you and/or having your consent. In my case if I move farther than 25 miles away, ex has to be told... and I have physical custody of our youngest.
You sound like a 'big picture' guy. Focus on your priority (being a connected dad) and go from there. It's hard for your ex-spouse to argue when all you give her are facts.
cat03, F_KITTY, and Gypsy - I'm glad to meet all of you, and thanks for the advice! I have to double check, but I think there is something in our divorce agreement about us living in the same town to facilitate the shared custody. I don't know how hard it would be for her to get that changed, or how hard she would be willing to push for it. I really hope we don't have to go down that road.
I honestly think that most of my ex's talk of moving is coming from frustration that her new post-divorce life is not the independent fantasy life she thought it was going to be. Her decision hasn't been well-supported by her family or friends (except her recently-divorced girl friends and single guy friends, of course!). She was the spender in our relationship and is already having financial issues. She's getting tired of her part-time bartending job that seemed so new and fun 4 months ago. She is having some medical problems but no longer has the health insurance that my job provided for her. And she still hasn't gotten her own place, most of her stuff is still at my house (she didn't want to keep the house in our settlement, she kept our good vehicle and I kept the house and all of our debts). She is still my friend and I would like her to be happy, but she is barely able to take care of herself right now, much less herself and our 3 young girls.
F_KITTY, I sympathize with your situation and wish the best for you. I hope that my ex will be able to put our kids' needs above her wants, and not force us into a situation where only one parent can be there for them.
Gypsy, you are correct that my priority is being a good dad for my girls and making the best of this bad situation for them. The tricky part is finding some time between work and kids to spend on keeping myself relatively happy and sane! So I just take it one day at a time and try to do the best I can. I will get through this, and I think in many ways I will be a better man for it.
Me 30 WAW 28 Married 7, together 10 3 daughters: 6,5,and 2 Bomb dropped: 11/08 Divorced: 1/09
You must still be somewhat shell shocked over such a quick bomb to divorce time.
I too have 50/50 custody and the parenting plan requires each to give 60 days notice if moving more the 15 miles away. I think it would take some serious circumstances for your X to be able to change the custody agreement.
F_KITTY makes a great point about the burdeon of fulltime single parenting. In your situation, with 3 young children, it would be difficult to juggle house keeping, employment and taking care of the childrens needs.
I cant help but feel a little schdenfreude about your X finding that the grass is not necessarily greener outside the marriage.
Hi Bink, I'm sorry for the mess you're in. As Kerry says you probably still don't know what's hit you. Your kids are too little right now to not benefit from both parents around the clock. But it seems like your wife has serious character flaws, as demonstrated by her selfish/reckless behavior and it spells serious problems down the road for the kids as she keeps trying to fulfill her fantasies to the detriment of everyone else.
So in long haul you'd probably make a much better primary parent as the girls grow up. If she insists on moving far away then I suggest you insist on changing custody % and child support so you can give the kids a more stable upbringing and pay for childcare while you are at work.
