First Piecing Thread

[Hope4us]

Hello all. I've been posting over in Infidelity and think it may be time to move over here.

If anyone is interested, you can search for my threads, but here's the cliff notes version (at least as short as it can be!)

W & I, both 48. Two sons, 20 & 16. Married 24 years. No trouble beyond the normal marriage stuff until a couple years ago.

November 2006 we relocated for work. W and I both work for the same company. Before moving we worked in the same office. After moving, W works at a Refinery about 10 miles from the Field office I run.

Shortly after, W begins talking about a new "friend" at work.

5 months later, A starts. I think I knew fairly early on but didn't want to believe it. Started catching her in lies.

Aug 2007, OM moves ~250 miles away. He's a contractor who moves from Refinery to Refinery every 2-3 years. On the night of his "going away party" (and you can bet it was a good party for them!), W gives me the ILYBINILWY speech. That convinced me what was going on even though I didn't have the evidence.

Few weeks later I snooped and saw a TM that confirmed it. Confronted W. She admitted it but said it was over because he'd moved away and moved on.

Couple weeks later, W went to spend the night at her "mom's". Guess you know where she went.

I confronted her, she admitted. I did all the wrong things, begged, pleaded, etc.

For the next couple months, W would take off every other weekend and on the off weekends, sometimes OM would drive up and visit.

Nov 2007 I finally found OMW (she lives with their kids 1000 miles away). Sent her a letter outlining what I knew. We talked many times. My W was OM's 4th A she knew about, but suspected many more. OMW also told me she suspected OM had another GF in his new location.

Exposure put pressure on the A, but W went to see him one more time in early Dec 2007. I contacted OMW right after she walked out the door and after she busted OM that day, W and OM have not been physically together since.

But...at least 3 times over the next 4 months, W tried to get OM to come visit. The last time (Mar 2008), I decided to file for D. I told our boys what was going on as I wanted them to know the truth.

S16 was not very kind to W. The morning after I told the boys, W left me a nasty note. I responded that she was the one that ran out on the marriage and all I ever wanted was for us to have a chance, but her repeated attempts to get with OM left me no choice but to file for D.

A few hours later she said she had ended it with OM and she would at least stick around until S16 graduated from H.S. and would see if anything changed in how she felt. I cancelled my appointment with the lawyer.

For the first couple months after that, we just existed in the same house. She slept on the couch.

June 2008, W on vacation from work just staying at home laying in the sun. Noticed the first possible softening in her.

Aug 2008, family vacation. Had a GREAT time. I made a major DB mistake and tried to kiss her and she totally rebuffed me.

Sept 2008, W and I went to an Ohio State football game for the weekend. Had a great time. Total mixed signals from W.

Late Sept, I told W I didn't know how much longer I could keep this up without her even saying to me "I want to try". W said "I don't know what I want".

Oct 2008, W and I go to Disney World with another couple. We CONNECT. ML for the first time in over a year. Got back from vacation and when W returned to work, she did a 180 from the connection we had while away.

I kept DB'ing. Holiday's were great. Went on a few weekend away trips. Seemed to be getting closer. ML a few times between Oct and now. We bought a new bed that was delivered in January. W moved back into bed with me. Since last summer, when we'd go out of town, W would sleep in bed with me, but not at home. I'm thinking her and OM had been in "our" bed and that freaked her out. But since we got the new bed, she's been in it all but a couple nights.

But still nothing from W as far as "I want to try".

Last Friday night, W's old boss called her while we were at dinner and I had a major trigger. W and old boss are friends. Old boss and his family and our family are friends, but with what's gone on, their "friendship" makes you jumpy even though I know nothings going on as he lives in MN and wouldn't jeopardize his career by doing something like that. That evening I told her I was sorry I was hyper sensitive about that stuff, but given what's gone on, I would hope she would understand. She was getting a little choked up when I was talking, but didn't say anything.

Last Saturday we had an R talk. We have never discussed the A in any real fashion, just bits and pieces here and there. Saturday we really talked about it. W revealed a lot that I had no idea of how she felt in it. Told me what her issues were that led her to being vulnerable to the A. She knew OM had had A's prior to them going PA, but it didn't matter to her. She knew where it was headed, but "felt like it was someone else in her body". Knew where it was headed but didn't stop it even though she never thought she would be "one of those people". Finally said to me "I have been trying even though I haven't said so".

Sunday, W was great. A little down, but after the emotional Saturday night, I was surprised she wasn't more quiet.

Monday she goes back to work and she's different again.

So here we are. I thought I'd move to Piecing now that W has said "she's trying". Get some new perspectives apart from the Infidelity board (I still love you guys!).

Couple other tidbits that I'm struggling with right now.

W has the enabler girl friend (EGF) at work. EGF is 26 and engaged to what will be her 3rd husband. Both first marriages lasted 1 year.

Second thing is W refuses to get rid of a few affair momento's and it tears me apart. She thinks they're "just a glass" OM brought her back from vacation a couple years ago and they're "just undies". Yeah, the undies she always put on when she was going to see OM.

So there you go. I struggle with how different she is on the weekends and when we're away vs. when she's at work where either EGF influences her or she can contact OM without me knowing. She said Sat night that she hasn't talked to him in any way in almost a year, but I don't really believe that.

Thanks for listening.

[Hope4us]

Just a quick update.

W seems to be coming out of her funk. Yesterday afternoon we were IM'ing each other while at work and she was in a pretty good mood.

I got home after her and she was kind of snippy and I called her on it and shortly after she was quite talkative and in a pretty good mood.

This morning she was actually pretty talkative before I left for work, and she's not a morning person.

So far today she's been IM'ing me quite a bit. I asked her if she wanted to go out for a bit tonight and she said she'd let me know.

It's almost like she's done the few times we've had any kind of R talk in the last 6 months. Slowly she starts responding to me.

There's still those A momento's though....grrrr.....

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Hey, everybody -- watch out for this guy. He's trouble.

KIDDING!!!

Just wanted to say we miss you already over in "Infidelity," H4U. I hope you find what you're looking for over here. I'll be following along!

Puppy

[whatdidido]

Hey Hope. Tried reaching you on fb. Having triggers of my own the last two days. This warm weather is bringing up some memories I had thought were going away.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Yeah, I'm going to be heading into our "season" too -- May/Jun/Jul/Aug. Uggggh....

[Hope4us]

Hey, everybody -- watch out for this guy. He's trouble.

KIDDING!!!

Just wanted to say we miss you already over in "Infidelity," H4U. I hope you find what you're looking for over here. I'll be following along!

Puppy

Thanks Pup. I will be back over there to comment when I've put a little space between Infidelity and my sitch. I feel like that part of my sitch is over and I need a little clarity to focus on the next step in my marriage. Once I'm on a little more solid emotional ground I'll be back. It just felt like reading and posting there every day put me in the wrong frame of mind.

I'll be back.

[Hope4us]

Hey Hope. Tried reaching you on fb. Having triggers of my own the last two days. This warm weather is bringing up some memories I had thought were going away.

I'll check fb out when I get a chance WDID. I haven't had much time to do anything but work this week. I hate when that happens.

Anyway. I should have an opportunity later this afternoon.

[Hope4us]

Yeah, I'm going to be heading into our "season" too -- May/Jun/Jul/Aug. Uggggh....

I hadn't thought of this Pup. 2 years ago at this time is when W started the A. Maybe her funk she's been in has been a trigger to that. That and our R talk last week might have made her think about some tough things she hasn't dealt with yet.

But she still seems like she's coming out of that funk of the last few days.

[kat727]

Just checking in and saying hi! Posting seems to have come to a halt today...could be basketball. It would be for me if I could sit and watch it.

Isn't it this weekend you had off with the boys? Have a great time. I will keep checking in on you.

kat

[Hope4us]

Hi Kat. Thanks for stopping by.

This weekend S20 comes home for spring break. It'll be good to see him. And he's spending most of the break at HOME. Of course, by the time the week is over, I'm sure I'll be ready for him to go back

S16 and I are going away on Easter weekend, so a few more weeks until that happens.

W and I went out to dinner last night. She seems to be coming out of her funk. Last night was pretty good. She was pretty darn talkative. Just a nice enjoyable evening.....until S16 comes in the restaurant and tells me he was backing out of the garage and hit my work truck.

He thought I was going to be mad, but heck, we've all done it when we were new drivers. I think he was pretty surprised by my reaction. And my boss wasn't upset either, which was good.

It's going to be a basketball filled weekend. Thinkin S20 and I will go out either tonight or tomorrow to watch a bunch of games. I'll invite W to go, but it might almost be better if she didn't go.

Talk to ya soon.