Your welcome but I'm not sure what you're thanking me for, LOL! I will agree that there is always something to learn forever and ever...Once you stop you might as well throw in the towel.
I believe the fine line between love and hate that you are referring to is indifference. I thought XH had this for me and I thought it was worse than hate. Like jaybee mentioned about our meeting, there are some things that came from X that show that he is not indifferent and that is validating in it's own way.
I think that indifference is where you don't give a rip about your X for example because you don't care any more, not even enough to be a PITA to them.
I believe that detachment (in my case anyway) is that you can still love and care for your X but you don't let it "wreck you" and you are in a place of peace and acceptance about "what is" and not what you wish(ed) it to be.
It would be interesting to know what X spouses feel when they are uncomfortable around us but I can only speak for myself. Perhaps they are not detached or perhaps they have guilt or unresolved issues or they still care. Who knows?
Let me just say that with GOD anything is possible! Braveheart I am sorry yours didnt work out. I know people will disagree, but I am telling you anyway, GOD is in control, if you let him be, so faith is HUGE. I cant say this enough. You cant give up, its a test of our faith. If you are not religious you will not understand this though. Read the book of JOB. His faith was more than tested. If we truly give it to GOD and serve him, he says he will give us the desires of our heart. If you desire for your family and marriage to be restored and keep faith, I believe it will. BUT you have got to live right and praise GOD. If he gave us everything we wanted without us praying for it, then we would have no need to pray. RIGHT? Right!
Let me just say that with GOD anything is possible! Braveheart I am sorry yours didnt work out. I know people will disagree, but I am telling you anyway, GOD is in control, if you let him be, so faith is HUGE. I cant say this enough. You cant give up, its a test of our faith. If you are not religious you will not understand this though. Read the book of JOB. His faith was more than tested. If we truly give it to GOD and serve him, he says he will give us the desires of our heart. If you desire for your family and marriage to be restored and keep faith, I believe it will. BUT you have got to live right and praise GOD. If he gave us everything we wanted without us praying for it, then we would have no need to pray. RIGHT? Right!
Thank you Renee, but it wasa blessing in disguise, for I have met someone who is very good to me and my kids. I know that I am the better for all that happened to me. Renee, as for GOD being in control, well I have a bit of a different opinion than many here about that. GOD gave everyone minds to think and reason with. GOD allows us to make choices, to worship him or not is a choice, he doesn't make us. In saying that, I feel that what people do is a choice, some choose to do good, some choose to do bad. GOD cannot and will not help anyone who doesn't open thier hearts to him. Almost all of these MLCers won't do that, so there isn't any help for them.
Hi G. I just wanted to stop in and say hi. I have been thinking about you and others. I missed your post before but I am glad I found it now. This may be a little late but I think you should wait for xh to make more contact. If he is exiting the tunnel it is going to take time and the direct approach may scare him. You do sound good so keep on living your life.
How ironic that I find myself here again and someone has just posted. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to find my thread, nor could I remember what it was called. Hi mermaid, sunshine and braveheart. Thank you for your comments. Some more things have happened and I've come here for solace and journaling.
My dad did pass away on March 20th, after a very rapid decline the last week or two of his life. I loved him dearly and will miss him greatly.
My Grandma on the other hand has recovered quite nicely and with more physical therapy has surpassed her abilities to get around from BEFORE the heart attack. I don't know that that means she can ever get out of the convalescent center but her strength has been renewed somewhat.
After seeing XH on March 8th...
I emailed him a light note on March 15th saying that it was great to see him again and catch up a little bit and made some comments about how good his website looked, and asked him if he would tell me what he thought about my website when he had a chance...
No response from XH
On March 25th I e-mailed XH regarding the death of my dad and just said that his decline was fast at the end and that I thought XH should know about it and I thanked him for taking care of our dog like he does and that he should take care of himself in every way too...
No response from XH
Despite being unemployed I was able to go on a thrifty vacation in April and hoped for a fresh start and renewed vigor for seeking employment and getting my life together. Before I went I had met a nice man and dated him several times and then he announced he was leaving to go back home (half the country away) to tend to his father who was having some ill health and surgery. I saw him after I returned from vacation and then he moved away. It was kind of refreshing to feel cherished again and have someone be kind to me but I guess it wasn't meant to be.
On May 12, one of my cats passed away suddenly with no advance warning or symptoms of ill health. The vet surmises that it was a heart aneurysm or something like that of a sudden nature. To you pet lovers out there that think of their pets as children or members of the family...you know where I am coming from. It was and still is quite shocking and leaves quite a void in the household and my heart.
The next day I called XH to let him know what had happened. XH had actually adopted this kitty himself and we have had reasonable communication about the fate of our pets so I thought he would like to know.
I called in the evening and reported the news but couldn't help crying a little bit here and there. XH asked what had happened and I told him the details and he bluntly said "you'll be fine in a few days, you just need to grieve" and when asked how he was he just said "I get by" and he asked me "did you get a job yet?" During the conversation I asked if he had gotten my e-mails and he simply said "yes" and I simply said "O.K." and moved on to something else. The basic tone of the conversation was that he was an unsympathetic jerk and it just ended with him saying "well, I better let you go" and me flatly saying "yeah, ok, see ya later, bye."
After the conversation I was more upset and thought why do I still care about this jerk and why do I still try to be nice to him?, blah, blah, blah. I was fed up and thought this would be the perfect time to finally be done with it and slam the door...which, yes...STILL has a crack in it.
Before I had called him, I intended to e-mail him the most recent pictures of the pets that I had but thought better of it saying to myself "why bother?...he doesn't give a rip anyway"
Yesterday, I had reconsidered and thought I would send them. I composed the e-mail and attached the pictures and then thought again..."the he!! with it" and saved it as a draft.
A couple of hours later my phone rang and it was XH...hmmmm
I answered and he said "Hi, how are you doing?" and my canned response was "oh fine, how are you?" He said "I mean about the cat thing?" I said "oh, O.K., you know..." He said he wanted to call and apologize ( :o) for being unsympathetic. He said "I am a jerk, but I'm not that much of a jerk and I really am sorry." He said his girlfriend was present at the time and he didn't want to appear too sympathetic (Hmmmm) in front of her. I just said that I appreciated him telling me that. Then he said he was sorry about my dad too and that he would try to be better at answering my e-mails. I just said thanks and O.K. and said that I had planned to send him some pictures of the kitties and he said that would be good...in fact that would be better...if I just e-mailed...because the girlfriend was a "live-in" situation now. I just said O.K. I asked him if anything was new and he told me about a new motorcyle that he gotten that he just uses to pop over to his dad's because he is close and he can help out his dad. He said his dad is getting old now and can't lift things, etc. I asked how old his parents were again and said I had lost track. He did the math and said well they were such and such when I was born and I'll be 41 soon (tomorrow...which is today)...so I interjected "yes, happy birthday tomorrow". He just said thanks and went on. He also said he had been talking to some friend about X wives and I said "What did you say about me?" and laughed. He just said "nothing...we were just talking and I thought about you and thought I should call." We chit chatted a little more and this ended on a much more pleasant note with him wishing me a good Memorial Day and take care and so forth.
I was telling a friend about all this and she said "you were a lot better off before...you still cared but you had an attitude...you were strong about it." She meant before this more frequent contact from XH of the past few months. I know she is right but I don't know how to get it back. I'm tired of losing things..H, dog, job, dad, cat. It's wearing a little thin. Every night I pray for something "good" to happen. It doesn't even matter what it is...just something good. She thinks I am getting "weak" and I have to agree with her.
I guess I'm not as detached as I thought, but I never had to deal with XH this consistently before. I admit that I was hoping for a second glance after the departure of Sweet Pea so the announcement of the seriousness of the R with his new GF is more than a little disheartening. I was also a little taken aback by his "protective" nature with that R. Why didn't our M warrant that? Someone pointed out that maybe he did "learn" something then.
So, in summary it seems he does care what I think about him, he made it quite clear he is in a serious relationship and he doesn't want me messing it up by calling, but he still does want to keep in contact...by e-mail at least. Why is the question and something I can't guess.
The facts are that we're D'd, he made no attempt to reconcile and now he's in a R with someone else. Knock, knock, puddin' head. Enough said.
Sending warm thoughts and hugs, and wishing I was there to give them to you personally.
I'm sorry to hear about your Dad, I know how hard it is to loose a parent, and a cherished pet.... boy do I know.
I completely understand where you are coming from, especially about being tired of loosing those things we/I thought brought us the special joys in our lives. I feel numb at times when I focus on all that I've lost, yet continue to struggle to find my own happiness.
You know, just a side thought, your xh's relationship can't be a very mature or good one since he is cautious of who he speaks to when she is around. Not that it matters, it will be what it is, but I for one, would prefer a man who was still on friendly terms with his xw, than one who faked it because I was around. Seems dishonest to me to hide things from her, like phone calls and emails..... Like I said, just a thought.
Me, like I said, I'd rather a man who learned to make peace with his former wife/girlfriend after a break up or divorce. This would show me his emotional maturity.... I say this after 5 years of nothing but anger and destruction coming from the xh and his inability to take responsibilities for his own actions.
nuff said....
Take care of you and know you in my thoughts and prayers.
Thanks fo your warm thoughts and hugs. I haven't thrown in the towel yet on trying to be happy but it's getting more difficult. I have to remind myself that I have a lot more than some people and everyone goes through things like this.
My initial reaction about XH being dishonest and immature was like yours. I thought "What a woos...it's not like I call all the time and this was something harmless that he should be able to be "for real" about"...but I have since reconsidered. Perhaps his GF got cr@pped on in the past and she has set forth boundaries for acceptable behavior...or perhaps he knows himself and with what happened in the past, perhaps he is trying to protect what he feels is a good thing now...and really there is no reason to maintain a R with your X spouse when there are no children involved. Perhaps if I had a couple more "rules" in the M, I would not be where I am today. In a perfect world it would be great to maintain a cordial R with an X but it rarely works out that way.
I have contemplated sending some sort of "goodbye" to XH and telling him how I feel. Just that I wish things would have worked out differently but all the best to him and that I do still care for and love him. Short and sweet. I have not decided yet. I am the sort of person that needs a concrete action or statement "out loud" to follow through with things of the heart. If it has been spoken or acted on, then it will be done. That would be my way of being free once and for all because it doesn't seem to be working the other way. I have been advised to not continue contact, even by e-mail, but not do the final farewell either. Honestly, by doing that I may be seeking a reaction from him and that's not a good reason to do it. Still thinking about that one.
You are the only one who knows you, what you need, and what it takes to get you through as well as you do.
I understand your sense of reasoning for sending a letter to your xh, and on many levels it makes sense.... However, I do believe it may cause more discontent than tie up the loose ends that maybe sitting in your way.
I think it will slam the door on any communication, which on one level is what you are looking for, it I'm afraid it will dredge up old guilt where the xh is concerned, therefore leaving him with a foul taste in his mouth, along with hard feelings.
Yet,on the other hand, you are trying to close the door to the past, and it will allow you to get those final words off your chest, I can see you being released to move forward.
As always, you come up with some hard things to think about... I myself would just quietly slip away... saying out loud to myself, good bye and good luck, it's my time now.
Most importantly, you have to do what is right for you.... no one has the right to tell you differently.
Take care of you... hugs
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you.........
