Beyond Surviving- Living Life Again

[Loving_Life]

Hi all-

Some of you may remember me from before (previous poster NewPathRJ). I had a thread here several months ago, then I bounced into 'Separated' for awhile. I look forward to getting to know everyone here. I was on the boards a lot in 2003-2004 too, during a prior S. But now as my D is nearing final stages- I'm back here and in a better state of mind. In my sitch, I moved 2,000 miles away from my stbx to start a new life and live near my family (6 months ago). It's helped me a lot, nonetheless the D path is not easy. And I'm still trying to secure a new job (something will come through soon-fingers crossed!) I've gone through several interviews, come in as a finalist and but don't get the jobs. Anyhow, I keep applying- my job sitch is probably more of a stress than the D at this point- lol. I'm staying with family, but I really want to be in my own place again, of course. At first it was 'Act as if' but I feel more and more that my life is ok and that I have not "lost" anything. The only thing I have "lost" is an undesirable person who was not there for me time and time again. I still have all the love and the sense of home and family that I value inside of me. No one can ever take that away from you. Wow, I should highlight that and put that up on my wall!

I have a preliminary hearing Monday(via phone), and then a final hearing date will be set for my D. Been separated 2,000 miles from stbx for several months, so I think I've hit the acceptance stage about this D. For a long time, I agonized over it- thought I could possibly even try to work things out again since I moved(previous threads in sep)- but I'm past that now. I needed to stop blaming myself and know it was ok to "give up".(Even though stbx gave up a long time ago). To know, that yes I obviously committed myself 110% to this M for a long time and stbx didn't. Stbx first talked about a D a year after we were married in 1997(when he had EA), then stbx wanted a D back in 2004 which led to our 1st separation. In a nutshell, I have been through %#$$% with him for so long. I just kept hanging on. Finally, I think I know and realize what a decent person I am and that stbx is not a loss to me. I've met a lot of new people and am making new friends. My new city is so much nicer than where I was living. Onward for me.

Stbx thinks we're "friends" and staying in touch but he's acting nothing like a "friend" to me. He doesn't care about my life or my perspective. He's been somewhat argumentative and hard to communicate with throughout the whole D process. He acts like a hard negotiator toward me and then tries to demand unreasonable things from me like maintenance payments (ridiculous since I have no job currently and last year our incomes were not considerably different) I think he's scared of never hearing from me again like I died, but that's about it. Our conversations are not anything like the ones I have with my "friends". The friendship thing is a joke. Whatever.

[Loving_Life]

So, just when I thought things might be rolling along smoothly for me- stbx is giving me a hard time again.

At the last minute before our Monday hearing, stbx now has 2pgs worth of additions and arguments re: our current settlement proposal. This hearing could have been a final D if stbx was in agreement on the settlement- but is now just a status check.
Basically stbx is trying to get maintenance from me, get me to cover all his bills and reduce the amount he would have to pay me for the equity.(I'm not holding the assets or even a job!- Stbx has the house and a part-time job) Stbx's income strategy is not to get a job but to get other people to pay for him (he's been doing this for years. I was previously paying for our bills when I lived with him and had FT jobs. Now he's trying to use this D to get an income increase and have me pay off all our bills) My L thinks it's a joke, but unfortunately this just means things drag on. I'm sure this happens in a lot of cases, but how unbelievable.

[Gypsy]

Hey Loving..

One thing I hear over and over again.. It's all about the money.

I guess this is why God created lawyers.. to deal with this type of stuff.

Good luck and I'm sending lots of prayers your way.

*hugs*

[unbroken]

Its good to see someone return here after being away...I have also come back here for support and its great to know there is a place to go when I need some words of wisdom...again and again and again

Stbx thinks we're "friends" and staying in touch but he's acting nothing like a "friend" to me.

I can relate to this one all to well. My xh and I have D12 together so we must stay in communication. I try hard to keep conversations only to D12, but we end up in small talk now and then to be "civil". There were times in the beginning that he tried leaning on me for emotional support. I said that I was not that person for him anymore. He still tries every once in a while to "vent" to me and its hard not to get sucked into that consoling role when I had been doing it for so long.

There is a fine line between being civil to each other while going D and resorting back to old habits you had with that person. The best feeling is knowing you don't have to be their support system any longer. All you have to worry about is you!

[Loving_Life]

Thanks everyone for the comments!

Rough day today. Stbx is arguing about everything he can think of and none of it makes any sense. He wants to settle this out of court, but also hired an argumentative L who is money hungry. So, he has 4 pages of ridiculous reasons why he is owed alimony and I had to go through all pages and show the facts on all of this. It's like he has selective memory or false memory syndrome. Some of his statements were outright false. It's just so unbelievable to me the level he is trying to stoop to - just to see if he could get extra money. Then he called me on the phone to discuss it and I made the mistake of listening to him and trying to talk to him. I should leave it all to the L's from now on. Stbx thinks we're "collaborative" but he's really just trying to manipulate me and it's become ridiculous and stressful.

I guess I'm naive, because I didn't think he would go to this level of lying/B.S. He's also pulling pictures off my Myspace page of me with new friends to use as court evidence that my standard of living is better than his. This is the only evidence he has to prove that point. Insane!

[Loving_Life]

He's also pulling pictures off my Myspace page of me with new friends to use as court evidence that my standard of living is better than his. This is the only evidence he has to prove that point. Insane!

And this was orginally an "Act As If" /"GAL" tactic of mine to show how I was having a fun new life after we separated- Wow did that one backfire! (half laughing- half crying)

[Trixi]

OMG- that is RIDICULOUS! How does he know that your new friends didn't pay for it?! How does he know that the stuff wasn't free? You are living with relatives--how does that make your standard of living so great? Talk about grasping at straws! How very very weak of him.

What does your lawyer say about all this?

I suppose one "good" thing about this is that it should make it REALLY easy to let him go, yes? You are light years ahead of him and it really is HIS loss, not yours.

I feel bad because I was the one that suggested posting happy pics on myspace. Even so, unless you also posted a financial statement under each picture, he actually has no idea what anything cost or who paid for it. What a jacka$$.
I'm sorry that your life energy is going towards dealing with this. Such a waste.

[Loving_Life]

Trixi thanks for your post! No reason to feel bad about the pics idea- I thought it was good too. It certainly did help me with my own GAL, regardless of how he responded. My stbx is grasping at straws and my L thinks it's beyond ridiculous too. And yes, this episode is making it very easy for me to let go of him and frankly now I feel thankful I am no longer with him. I used to give him the benefit of the doubt - now I can see through him. Stbx has rewritten history so that everything is my fault. On the phone he was trying to manipulate me by saying things like he "cared about our friendship" and "so could I just consider his maintenace request then- he's even willing to reduce his monthly payment request and that would be a 'great deal' for me. He 'spent 4 careful hours putting this together, can I please consider his time and effort?" What a LOAD of $(#%*#. I don't even know if I'm talking to him on the phone again! The guy needs to get a job instead of trying to leech money I don't have out of me. My L keeps asking me why isn't he looking for a FT job? She doesn't understand it either. Stbx has a part-time job, but refuses to get a FT(thinks music biz will work out)- he's college-educated and has had FT jobs before. Stbx is trying to keep the house, but he's having problems refinancing. At least he has made all the payments so far. My L thinks there's no way his maintenance req will happen, but it is a useless waste of time and money for both of us right now.

[Loving_Life]

So, my final D hearing is scheduled for 1- 1/2 wks from today. Fortunately, I was able to talk to stbx and he dropped the maintenance request and is no longer arguing about anything. We are each to review and sign the final settlement and this should be it. Stbx wants to maintain our 'friendship'. Well, don't know that we're really 'friends', but things could be worse so I'm counting my blessings. Still looking for a job and staying with family. I hope something comes through for me soon. I've spent several months now in the job market in my new city. Have had interviews and gotten close, so close.... I've never had a test of faith this monumental before. I know I must keep continuing and continuing but keeping the faith is up and down to say the least . I keep breaking down and thinking is this all a joke? Is there any hope? Why did I have to lose everything and try to start from scratch. Not like I need to be going through the stress of finding a job, going through a D and living with relatives and not having my own place all at the same time - then somehow I find a reason pick myself back up.

[Loving_Life]

Journaling...unloading (is more like it)

I have completely been on the 'As If' train for quite a while- it's like I went on autopilot into 'as if' to try to manage my life and don't always face my feelings. Then it blows up on me as this D progresses. I totally feel the betrayal and the sense of why, loss, how did stbx end up with all his emotional problems which in turn meant he could not stand to be w. another person and was not able to treat me well anymore. Of course, like everyone else I went into this whole deal expecting forever after. I held up my end and practically had to be forced out through his mean, manipulative behavior. Too many pieces to try to rationalize. How do I ever get rid of this feeling, is it not until I find someone else? Yes, I know it's better not to delve into these emotions, but it's also restrictive to pretend it doesn't exist and then it just blows up on me anyway and I feel like a basketcase.

Looks like my final D will not happening next week now since my L has been slow to do paperwork and stbx hasn't even reviewed it yet. Another postponement...