Things are still up and down for me. I was working really hard to see positives in everything...even met a couple of gentleman who reminded me what it's like to be treated with respect and care. Then, I had to face xh in a reunion type situation where all of our mutual friends were. I was very nervous; I didn't know if xh was brining ow and I didn't know how our friends would treat me. I was actually feeling great at the event and loved visiting with old friends. I cordially said hello to xh when we were in the same vicinity and then walked away...I was even ok with that...I thought it was great we could be cordial and then move on. Come to find out, he did not bring ow which probably eased things a bit. Then, unexpectedly, xh decides to start texting me throughout the event and by the end of it, he asked me if I was still there so he could say hi to me. I was shocked that he wanted to "say hi" to me because lately he can barely utter a word to me when he comes to see D12. I realized pretty quickly that it became nostalgic for him and seeing me there probably brought back some memories of good times.
Suffice it to say, the whole thing still effected me. Another case in which I see and understand the logic behind the situation, but other thoughts want to cloud that. It really bothered me that he can barely say a word to me or even look at me when he is coming to see D12, but at this one event, he wanted to chat...soooo, I confronted him on this. I asked him why he felt the need to treat me different at this event and "want" to talk to me...he said, "just felt like it i guess". He said he didn't want things to be "weird" for "us" while we were there...ummm, I was fine, it was not weird for me once I got there, I was having a great time talking to old friends. Maybe he was having a hard time with it, but he shouldn't come running to me to make it feel less "weird".
The whole thing felt very self-serving on his part...as it usually is with him. A couple of days after the event, he came to see D12 and while I was cooking, he spent the whole time talking about the event to me while D12 was outside...he barely spent a minute with her during his time. Then, the next time he was supposed to be with her, he said he had a head cold and couldn't make it. <Can I just vent a minute here about xspouses calling to cancel visits with their children like they are calling off of work! I made it very clear to him that it wasn't but 2 weeks ago that I was bed-ridden with a horrible flu and I still had to be a mom. I can't just tell my daughter, "I can't be a mom today, I don't feel good, go take care of yourself". He has been "sicker" than I have ever known him to be ever since he left...interesting.> Anyway, I am very frustrated with him again. I feel like our lives have always been at his convenience! When he feels a bit nostalgic, he feels things should be cool with us just for that moment and when he feels a little sniffle coming on he doesn't have to be a dad. I am so tired of it!!!
My struggle is this...I have been detached before and I felt fine when I didn't have to see him, but when I saw him, I felt so much anger. I didn't like that feeling so I let go of the anger and just tried to treat him as I would want to be treated, but when I did that nothing was reciprocated which makes me feel like a punching bag. I don't want to feel angry, but I don't want to feel like I'm being taken advantage of either. I don't want to feel like myself and D12's lives revolve around his time or his emotional well-being or his physical well-being. How can I be cordially detached?
do what feels comfortable with you, he sure is doing that. If you are fine with just texting/emailing, or short convos then keep it that way. If he is "sick" guess who's loss is it? take full advantage and make it a special day for your d12, dont' show how dissapointed you are, just wave it off, for her sake, and plan something at home. Whatever you do, dont' expect the same courtesy from him, if you are left with expectations then it means you are doing too much.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Stop giving the ex prime real estate in your mind. Nothing you think, wonder, ponder, analyze does anything to change the situation. As simple and difficult as it sounds start living your own life. Deciding to put the house on the market and having to throw out tons of stuff has been cathartic for me. I later found out ex remarried the day of my tag sale! Fitting.
I have a friend who's considering divorcing her spouse. After giving her a list of books to read I asked her to consider doing the work to make the marriage work. But once someone starts seriously deciding to leave, they make a plan, they start detaching ages before they walk. Leaving is something planned and executed.
So.. with the divorce that chapter is toast in the loaf of your life. I get caught at times thinking about ex and Mrs. ex, argue in my mind. But you know when that happens? When I'm bored, restless. It's a type of masochistic brain masturbation that hurts and goes nowhere but downhill.
Hellloooo.. why oh why do I do that to myself? Let's see.. I'm punishing myself, I'm fearful, I'm scared, insecure. It's my choice how I live my life.
You're great, you're wonderful, making strides. Leave him behind like toilet paper stuck on your shoe. Scuff it off and move forward. Be glad you're learning what it takes to truly love yourself and move forward.
