Peace, you are human and have done all you can. Do what you must for you. It is not ok for him to point his anger at you. Go as dim as you can and take care of you and your kids.
peace- I am not surprised that your XH is showing his anger...as you say HE gave up everything and he may have expected life to instantly be better after the D was final. Right now his anger may be directed toward you because he can't look at himself. Hopefully someday he will be able to accept he played the leading role in his own demise.
Forgiveness can be tough. This may sound really bad but I can't say I have completely forgiven my XH and OW for destroying my children's family. I have let go of the pain and anger while I understand that people make mistakes...however my XH and his wife's lack of remorse or even compassion for how this has effected my kids leaves me cold. Forgiveness is a choice however with time and as you let go, it can become an easier choice...and probably the healthiest choice. Maybe you will be able to do a better job of it than I have done.
Peace I am not suprised with the anger as well. My h just said the other day he is so angry with me, that he can't talk to me about it and he does't know how to shake it and that is what keeps him from moving home.
Yes they are screwed up. Just stay your distance for now and don't fuel anything. You be the stable one.
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
Try to avoid contact with him as much as possible. You don't deserve any of his crap. I know with the kids it's impossible to not talk to him. I'm trying to do the same over here.
"Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out." Robert Collier
"One's best success often comes after their greatest disappointments." Henry Ward Beecher
Peace - I haven't checked the boards in a long time. Between my job and the kids - I just never seem to have a minute. But tonight I just felt that I should check in....and look for your posts.
I am so sorry about your divorce, and what you are going through - especially with how your ex is treating your children.
I wish I could give you some good advice on letting go of the anger. I know I have let go, but I don't know what the magic trick is to do this. I look at H now and really do think of him as one of the most pathetic people that I know. And I don't mean this in a nasty way - I really almost (emphasis on almost) feel sorry for him. At times I do think about how hard it is to watch someone that I used to love hit bottom in so many different areas - but I usually get over this quickly now. I make an effort not to waste energy thinking about him.
The only time that I do feel angry is when he does hurt the girls in some way. But I am slowly trying to let go of this as well. As much as I want the girls to have their father in their lives - I do realize that I can't control his actions or make him see what is right and what is wrong (I came to this realization after he tried to explain to me why it is perfectly fine to have his girlfriend sleep over when he has the girls - the girls are now both teeenagers.....great example!). He still chooses his GF and/or her children over his own children at times - and they see this. But again - I can't control his relationship with his kids - I do nothing to poison it - but I no longer try to fix his mistakes.
As far as the rage - I simply don't put up with it. H tries to do this to me as well. The minute he starts, I tell him that I have not spoken to him that way and would appreciate it if he doesn't speak to me that way. If he continues, I tell him that we are going down a bad road and I will talk to him later. And I end the call. I do this with both the anger and the sarcasm. He has also tried these approaches in emails. I simply don't respond to the email. For this most part, this works for me. This doesn't mean that he isn't mean or sarcastic - I mean that I am more at peace because I just don't listen or respond to it anymore.
Peace - I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and am incredibly sad that your D is final. I know it is not the outcome that you hoped and prayed for. But please take some comfort in knowing that you did everything that you could to try and save your marriage.
And while this is easier said than done, don't waste any more energy being angry at H. Redirect this energy (postive, of course) to your kids - continue to love them, continue to be a positive role model for them, continue to be there for them no matter what. They deserve all of your energy now....your H does not.
Milicant thanks for visiting nice to hear from you thanks GG upside BM so confused for your support
I am well today I am feeling more detached and done lately I am D H reamins distant and he respects my no/limited contact I like this better b/c I feel closure with my D final ( at least that part is over) I feel blessed that I got to keep so much I feel stron and confident and ready to move ahead I have created a life..I am working i am dancing my kids trust me. I have mnany friends I have learned so much here these past 2 years
H is a mess as far as I can see from a distance he doesnt show up to work lies constantly back on anti anxiety pills I believe he is falling into a deeper depression now, and without me catching him, he will have the best chance to fall, so he can recover One never knows but I dont think he will be ever want reconciliation It is in my best interest to pick up the pieces now and move on peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
peace- It sounds like you are doing well and getting to where you need to be. Continue creating a life that brings you joy...you deserve it.
Your H is just as much of a mess as he has been. Apparently the D wasn't the thing that pull him out of his rut...who cares...it isn't your problem anymore unless it effects your business.
This has been a long and hard road for you. You have worked so hard to understand what crisis is about and in the process you learned about yourself and all of us here. You have been such a great friend to me and so many others. Thanks so much for your wisdom and your insight. I am sure there are many happy days ahead for you.
hi peace, I'm so sorry to read about your D being final. You should be proud of how hard you worked to try to save the M. It is clear from your posts that you are a caring person and a good mom. I know that you will all be OK. Hugs...
New attitude thanks for your kind words..hope you are well Upside you have been a very good friend and I am rooting for you and your H
H was here today to see kids he was waiting outside with the kids I went outside to see what everyone was doing h was distant and angry from his expression i said Hi we talked briefly his anger left immediately and he fixed the door then they left to take dog to park came back with dinner they ate \we again talked briefly about business there is so much to talk about regarding business and kids since we have not talked for a while My H wants to talk when I give him this friendship9( even for a few minutes) he is lighter comes more and is helpful when I distance/go dim he is distant quiet problem is always the same for me it is hard to move on and still connect with H at this point I am less angry /sad at him still very disappointed in his choice and his A and his choice to stay /live with OW
I would like to get to the point where I can allow for a friendship and NO longer care about Reconcilialtion but I dont think I am fully there yet SO I probably need to maintain little contact/ be pleasant/ but remain distant for now until I am healed peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Peace, do what you have to do for you and your children,really. I think it is the right thing for you to go dim and be cordial.You were gracious and dignified throughout this. It is your h's loss all around.
