Well, I'm glad to see that there are dads like that. My h was always a good dad, so I don't understand it. Except I'm seeing the pattern that if it hurts, he runs away from it. Can't let our feelings get too exposed, or I guess something terrible might happen. The wall he's built might start to crumble.
Last edited by SoConfused; 02/27/0902:01 AM.
"Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out." Robert Collier
"One's best success often comes after their greatest disappointments." Henry Ward Beecher
I'm not sure this would be considered a MLC, but he is in some type of crisis in his life b/c he wants to be young, single and no responsibilities to deal with. You and his children are a strong reminder that he is a married man and he does have children he should be providing for. I think that is one reason he is avoiding the kids. He is focused completely on himself and what he is wanting and needing right now instead of the family he is responsibile for. I believe he is running from you and the kids and it will get worse.
I know that you are the one that will see the hurt and disappointment in the lives of your children when Daddy isn't there to see a ball game, etc. However, the sooner you stop trying to "make" him bahave like a father should act toward his children, the better. First of all, you nor anyone else can make him act like a father should be toward the kids. Second of all, you cannot be mother and father......only the mother, so don't even try to make up for his lact of activity of his presence in the lives of the children. I know, I know........it is awfully hard to to. I have been there and I know how difficult a task I am talking about, but unfortunatly, that is only one step of many to come. Be honest with the kids without being brutal with them when they ask where daddy is or why he didn't go to the ballgame. He is working or had somewhere important to do. It was important to "him" at an rate.....you just don't tell the kids that part. Also, don't expect him to call every night to talk to them b/c apparently they are not on his mind at this time. If they ask to talk to him, you might dial the phone and just hand it to them and not say a word to him......let him do the talking or explaining to the kids. You don't have to say anything. If he tells them to put you on the phone and he wants to know why you are calling him, tell him his kids were pleading to see or talk to him. If he gets mad at you and starts raising his voice, butt in and tell him that you are not going to listen at him raise his voice and that you are hanging up now (then hang up that phone. You do not have to listen to him rant at you!).
Another thing.......if he should show up at the ball games, why do you feel that you must sit with him? The two of you are separated and if he is talking about "dating".......I would certainly not sit with him at the games or anywhere else. He is married with children and talking about dating! It won't be long until everyone will know the status of your M anyway, so don't feel ackward about the two of you not sitting side by side. You probably will get there before him anyway, so let him make the decision where he sits. Don't protect him and don't try to cover up for him nor defend his actions. He is being an a$$, so let his little self shine and people will soon see him for the way he is. It will be his job to win the respect back.....not yours.
He has made it pretty obvious that he doesn't want to be M (for whatever reasons) so if it were me, I would certainly give him enough free room and space from me to do whatever he was big enough to do. However, I would keep a little calendar or journal of all the times he did not go to any activities the the kids were involved in and the times he didn't call of or go see them at home. Just in case you need to show this to a judge one day. I hope you won't, but you never know. As long as he give you enough money to operate the home, then that is fine, but if he starts slacking up.....be sure to make a note of that also.
I think it is very wrong for him to date, but he must not put a lot of value on M since he lived with you for so many years before M you and then was ready to duck tail and run soon afterwards......and now he is talking about dating while he is still M to you! So, I would not contact him unless it was a very serious emergency about the kids or finances, etc. Don't look for "excuses" to call (such as the S has a game, etc.) b/c you are hurting your own chances with him everythime you do that. He needs to miss you and the children and what he had at home as a H and father. So, don't dare do his washing or anything.......I mean not one thing for him. You go on and get a life and act as if you and the kids will be just fine with or without him. Let him have his taste of freedom. Hopefully, he will wake up and come to his senses. However, if he truly is in a MLC, it won't happen for at least about 3 years and some go as long as 5 (so I've read)and you will have to decide if you want to wait around while he takes his roller coaster ride in his life with all the curves, ups and downs, or if you want to move forward and get a life and focus on improving yourself as much as possible and be the best you can be.
If you reach that highest level of self-confidence and work on your physical appearance (if it needs it) and make the most of your life......you will come through this as the winner. Men think that the sexiest women are those that have high self-esteem. That is why the prettiest girl doesn't always get the best guy. Most of us have to work on our esteem level and especially after being dumped by a man! So, you get those self help books that will get you motivated and inspired. Do the things that make you feel good about yourself. Act as if you are worth more that the country's debt (lol) and just oooozzzz with self-confidence. You may have to fake it until you make it, but you'll get there.
Okay, you are tinking what about your H, right? He will be just like I described......a roller coaster. He will be unstable, unreliable, undependable, unbelievable, and "un" in everything. You job is not to allow him to pull you into his crises. Do not allow him to affect your emotions. While in his presence, you remain calm and show no emotions toward him. When he leaves, you can cry your eyes out if it makes you feel better at the time. Don't allow him to run your life or to ruin it. Become unavailable to him. If he thinks the little wife is sitting home and just waiting for him to return.......let him discover that you are not waiting at home for him and that you have a life of your own. Never show any actions or talk that hints at being desparate. That shows through like a bright light. A desparate woman will run a man off quicker than anything. Never follow him around as though you are waiting to grab any crums he may throw your way. Don't bring up the subject of the R. Never talk about how good things use to be or would be again. Don't point out anthing about M. Don't try to get him to read any book. Don't ask him if he has noticed any changes in you. When he is around or you are talkig to him on the phone, don't be rude but act almost "aloof". If he calls, don't respond right away. That goes for TM's also. You don't have to give him any answer, just b/c he asked. You can be vague with your answers without lying to him. Never lie to him. If he emails you, don't respond unless it is very important. Keep all contacts short and simple. Don't act ugly, cold or run, but never act clingy, needy, or desparate.
Have to go, talk more later.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I'm not sure what you mean about living with me for many years before getting M, we never lived together. We have been M for 12 years and dated for about 1 1/2 before that. Maybe I typed it wrong. Also, he was more than willing to stay married at first, but I was not willing to put up with his behavior he had displayed for the last couple of years. When I said we needed to separate, he cried and begged us not to move. However, he was not showing me with his actions that he wanted to change, so we went ahead with the separation. I think he is mad now that I am the one that actually pulled the trigger on doing the separation. I chose not to accept his constant grumpy grouchy behavior and telling lies about things. He wants to be mad at me, and not really feel the pain because his actions are what led to the separation.
He slipped on the phone this morning and said I love you. I think it is because he was sleepy and did not have the anger wall up. I did not say it back, but I asked him what he said and he did say it again. More later.
"Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out." Robert Collier
"One's best success often comes after their greatest disappointments." Henry Ward Beecher
I'm not sure what you mean about living with me for many years before getting M, we never lived together. We have been M for 12 years and dated for about 1 1/2 before that.
Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry. I must have been thinking about another poster. I guess you did think I had lost my senses! I'll try to keep things straight in my mind from now on. May have to get a new mind, but I'll try to do better.....
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am so sorry that you are going through this right now. You took the time to read my sitch and respond, and for that I thank you.
First, have you read Divorce Remedy yet? How about the Five Love Languages? By reading your sitch, I think you need to do some major 180s. Your very first post talked about not being very physical with your H, and also being demanding and critical of him at times. I can speak from experience, because that was me, when I say you need to stop that right now. Nothing pushes a H away quicker than disrespect and a critical wife.
Start by only saying positive things to your H, nothing critical. If you get angry or hurt, come here and share it, but right now is not the time to share it with H. It sounds to me like he is depressed and feeling very low in his self esteem. The person that is supposed to LIFT HIM UP is his wife and by criticizing and getting angry you are pulling him down. I'm not trying to be mean, I have just been there. I didn't want to see my own part in the problem, but when I changed my part and my own behavior, my H started to change his.
I think letting him know about events for the kids is good, just don't expect him to make it a priority right now. If he does come, smile and say "S will be so happy to see you here". That's it! Don't elaborate, don't criticise for being late. H is beating himself up inside already and you just need to let him. If you show him a nice, lighter, happy W, he will want to show you a responsible, happy H.
Since our sitches are so similar, I wanted to be honest with you. You need to work on yourself honey. You've said many times that H needs to change, but so do you. You need to work on yourself and the first place I would start is by not tearing your H down. No criticising. Only positive comments, only positive thoughts. This is hard, but I promise you that the rewards are outstanding. My H is doing things for me that he hasn't done in years, and I know it is because I am finally respecting him as my H and showing him the happy side of me.
Good luck, God Bless, and I will continue to check on you. K
Hi sonshyn, Thanks for responding! I do think our situations sound very similar, so I do appreciate your advice. I am working on changing the things about myself that you mentioned. I most definitely see the vicious cycle of things. I guess I have been doing lots of hard thinking lately. I honestly thought that when I was free of H and all of his problems I would be so happy. However, there is definitely an empty place. I have been working on the 180s and being upbeat and positive each time I talk to him. I did quit calling him after the blow up I posted about, and he did call me. I know that deep down he misses me (us). He also started saying I love you when we get off the phone again, so I guess that is good. I'll probably go on that date he wants to go on this weekend. I think it would be good for us.
I have read a lot here about the "going dark" thing, but even putting the kids aside, I don't think that would help me. Wouldn't it be a 180 for me to be more affectionate and positive when he's around? He doesn't seem to mind, so... Is that one of my 180s? Thanks!
"Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out." Robert Collier
"One's best success often comes after their greatest disappointments." Henry Ward Beecher
Well, saw h yesterday for a few minutes to get money (c/s). We brought him a silly little gift (some girl scout cookies he loves). He was appreciative and he kissed me when we left. As I said before, I am not very affectionate, so I did kiss him back. Anyway, the roller coaster continues. I think maybe he wants to give it another try, but still has the wall up since I am the one who pushed for the separation. I would love for things to work out, and I have been trying to improve myself and improve the interactions I have with him.
I am sad about our family and dreams of the future possibly dying. I would give it another try if he asked. However, I don't really see that he has tried to make any changes. I have and will continue to try to improve myself. I dunno... Still confused like my name says.. LOL
"Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out." Robert Collier
"One's best success often comes after their greatest disappointments." Henry Ward Beecher
Any opinions about my earlier question? If it is oposite of your normal mannerisms (180) to be affectionate should you try to be affectionate? Will he see this as me pursuing him? He would have loved for me to be more affectionate for years. Anyway, I'm just going with whatever feels right. I did return the kiss yesterday, so I guess we'll see. At the beginning of our relationship, we were very loving and affectionate (oh, to be 19 again...).
"Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out." Robert Collier
"One's best success often comes after their greatest disappointments." Henry Ward Beecher
I think you are doing great. It's interesting how we think one thing will make us happy, but find out it really wasn't what we wanted after all. At least now you know.
I can relate to how hard it is to be affectionate without being pursuing. My H told me that he was sick of being the one who made all the moves, and told me how uncomfortable he felt when I said ILY all in the same sentence. I think you need to just take your cues from your H. When he kisses you, kiss him back. The positivity and little gift is a great start. Remember, you can only work on yourself, you cannot change your H.
I don't think "going dark" is the option for you. It really isn't possible to go dark when you have children. My suggestion would be to allow H to initiate conversation, but when he does speak with a smile in your voice and a PMA.
Remember, little steps will get you where you want to go. Keep it up, God Bless! K
Thanks for the thoughts. Yeah, I really thought that since my normal personality is kind of "going dark" I should try to do the oposite and be more affectionate. I swear, it's kind of like we are back in the dating stage again. I was very affectionate when I was 19 ha,ha. Lots of water under the bridge since then. I'll just keep plugging, and learn to be ok with whatever happens. If we make it, good. If we don't, then I will still be okay. I am still young enough to not be an "old maid" forever, right? I don't want to turn into the "crazy cat lady"! LOL
"Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out." Robert Collier
"One's best success often comes after their greatest disappointments." Henry Ward Beecher
