Over the Shock - Detaching and GALing

[DrHemlock]

I agree with NewMe, Thinker. It IS hard at times. W told me today, after 2 weeks of DB'ing and 31 days since the Bomb that she's more convinced in her decision than ever. But she's in the house, she's with the kids, and I ache -- physically ache -- for the feelings of companionship and love that are gone.

[PortlandDad]

It is clique to say it, but time really does help heal those wounds of loneliness and loss. You guys aren't alone in all of this, we are all going through scarily similar things. Not having my W in the house (or even on the same continent) has really helped me detach. Doing things with outside the house or with the kids really helps, too, since the house is a constant reminder of what you had together.

[Thinker]

Thanks All for your support.

I am home now, after a weekend with my family. It was good to get away.

I am home now. My W was very happy to see the boys after a few days of them being away, and we all hung out together for a few minutes and then helped them get into bed.

Since then she has been on the phone (one call after another) and we haven't really talked since I got back. I didn't expect anything else. I am really only here online to give her space and to keep myself from following her around while she is on the phone.

Evenings when we are both at home are really the most difficult, but they are getting better.

[Thinker]

So I got that look from my W tonight. The look that I haven't seen in a while. The look that says "I am miserable, I hate what is going on in my life, I blame you for all of it, and I am not going to talk about".

I have learned to fear that look.

In the past I have learned that that look means she is stewing over ways that she feels wronged. In the past I have also learned that at least some of the time the look means that she is thinking that she would like to quit the R and the M and run away, but does not want to say that.

Today I got the look after talking to her briefly about her mothers cancer and trying to comfort her. She changed the subject briefly to talk about subjects where she was upset with me or my family, and then went silent - just sitting there staring straight ahead.

Like before, I tried to get her to talk - to open up and tell me what was eating her and got only "I don't want to talk".

I left for a minute and came back and told her "I can see that you are upset and that it has to do with me. I have to tell you that I can tell that, but also that I am not a mind reader. As much as I would like to, I can not tell what you are upset about"

She replied only "I'm Fine"

"You're not Fine"

We then both left the room.

A bit later, I broke down and went to find her - but told her only that I was tired of this cycle and this game where she is upset, lets me know that she is upset, but then where I am supposed to guess, and I am not playing the game any more.

she asked (defensively) "What does that mean?"

I replied that if she is not going to talk, then I am not going to feel responsible for her unhappiness any more. (unfortunately, I was probably a bit more wordy and not as clear when I said it)

She didn't respond.

I left the room after a long silence.

I went to bed.

She came to bed a bit later without saying anything.

We both lay there awake for almost an hour. Neither saying anything.

I finally couldn't take it any more and get up to journal - let off some steam. I wasn't going to get any sleep that way, and I know from experience that if I tried to talk to her or engage her in any way she would reject the attempt.

I hate this! It goes completely counter to every instinct that I have. I dislike tension and I feel compelled to help when she is upset - and especially compelled to fix the situation if she is upset at me. Combine that with my desire to feel connected and every fiber of me says engage and talk about it - and my brain says No! Stop! don't try that again!

Sometimes I just want to shake her, tickle her, or just plain start dancing or just do anything to break her out of it, but I know that these things won't work either - I know, I have tried in the past. They all result in an angry "Stop!, What are you doing?!"

I'm getting better - a couple of months ago I would have gotten angry and followed her around and tried to force her to talk. Now...well, I am still not there but...

I really wish that either a) she would talk to me about what she is feeling and we could work through it (maybe an impossible dream) or b) I was not as affected by it and could just say "OK then, I'll see you when you are in a better mood"

Until then, I'll try to settle for only getting a little bit upset, walking away, and blowing off steam by journaling...

Any ideas?

[NewMe]

Thinker,

I've been there, but my W was not as uncommunicatative as yours. The only advice I can give you is to keep trying to detach. After I read co-dependence..., I was starting to get it, but then I had a DB coach session and caught myself going on with "she did this...", "she did that...", and "she said this and that". Noticing that I wasn't really detached.

That's what I've meant before with the DBing actions hindering true detachment. You can't control her, whether she will leave or not, whether she will talk or not. You can only control your reaction to her actions. And the more detached you become, the less reactive you will be.

NM

[Thinker]

Thanks for the correction NewMe.

I agree - I keep getting frustrated and pulled back into the "Everything would be better if only she..." mode. In this case, it is "...if only she would talk about what she is going through, so we could work things and I could help her through this difficult stuff better..."

Still, it is angering and you have to get it off your chest somehow. I can see the pattern from the past repeating itself:
- something bad happens in her life
- she does not talk to me about it
- I don't understand what is going on and don't react as she wants
- She resents that, blames me, and the relationship goes further south.

I have been trying to think about the DB principle of changing things and breaking the cycle (it takes one to tango). In this case, I can't figure out how to break it.

The only other thing to do is ignore it. Focus on myself. Realize that she is unhappy, miserable, and blaming me, but don't let that impact my own mood and actions - basically act as if her internal misery does not impact me at all and detach until it truly doesn't. I have been going this direction, but haven't gotten there completely (as you can tell)

[NewMe]

Thinker,

You've got it right in your head, just need some practice putting it into motion.

I still catch myself doing it - "if only...". Late last night W asked me if I wanted the D papers (she chose to serve them - which I appreciate). I told her the morning would be better. We went to bed not saying much. I was soooo tempted to break the deadly, both-laying-awake silence, with something like, "I still can't believe it's come to this...", but I somehow kept my mouth closed as I knew it would be fruitless. I'll journal on it later on one of my threads. Just wanted to know that, even those who might be a tad more detached, still struggle.

NM

[Thinker]

NewMe,

I also struggle with this: The cycle is "deadly" for the R. Bad things are going to keep happening - they always do - that's life. I feel like every time something bad happens in her life, we take a step closer to D.

Detaching helps me. It helps me move on, not get emotional about it, keep focusing on myself, etc, ...
...but it doesn't break the cycle.

So I need to detach, not let it bring me down, and keep focusing on my GAL, but in addition to that...how can I break the cycle?

or am I just SOL there?

[NewMe]

Thinker,

I guess my "detaching" reply didn't answer your deepest question - on how to "break the cycle". All you can do is work on you, control you and make you a better (the best) person.

There are no sure ways to fix your M or fix your W. The only hope you have is to make you this incredible person, one that she was attracted to before, or make yourself even better. If she snaps out of it for you or for the kids, she will do it on her own - not by you reasoning with her or pressuring her.

I know this isn't easy for you in this stage. I'm past this stage knowing, with more certainty my future. You need to balance yourself, knowing that your life will be great with her or without her. Not easy to hear, but something you need to accept so her inaction doesn't continue to pull you under.

NM

[Thinker]

Thanks,

After thinking about it, I can see that once again my mistake is not just dropping it and walking away when she says "I don't want to talk about it" Anything else, and I am just still feeling improperly responsible, trying to fix it, pursuing, letting her mood drag me down with it, etc.

Damn hard to do though.