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Joined: Jul 2005
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I'm still having a rough time. I hardly have any contact with my H, he calls the kids on their cells. The only main contact I have are nasty texts I get on a regular basis. Now it is about tax filing. Now my S12 is fighting me on custody. He continually wants to stay with his father on "my" days. We only have a verbal agreement which is 50/50 but it has worked for us up until this. He has been sick and on my scheduled night to get him last night I was texted that he was asleep finally, let him sleep get him in the morning. I called and said I would do that. When I got there this morning S12 would not come out of the house and kept calling my cell. He contacted his father at work several times during the ordeal. I told him I would come in and get him, with the police if necessary. I knew I couldn't. He finally came out and I had a long talk in the car that went in one ear and out the next. His father says his lawyer said any child over 10yrs old can decide where they want to be. BS. So I am filing custody papers as soon as I can get the $. That is the hold up to all of this. Trying to rent a room to get income and had no luck. Anyone have any knowledge of custody issues in PA?


Me 43 H 44 S-13 D-9
Separated 90 days 6/28/05
H Says he is done-10/2/06-day after 18th anniv
Moved out 10/2/07-to father's house-day after 19th wedding anniv-GF now
H Filed for D 7/08

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Are you positive you aren't going to alienate your S? No reason to go to court to force some sort of order that your S seems to resent. Maybe work on communication with your H and see if you two can come to some sort of arrangement. Anger/resentment toward your H shouldn't be carried over to things which affect your S.

In my view anyway... seems like there could be a better way to handle it. I think the biggest issue between both of you is not having direct communication and fighting a proxy war using your S. You and H need to work on communicating. Doesn't help anyone to go through to court... because then you are allowing someone else to make your decisions.


"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
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My H will not communicate with me except by text or the kids. Tells S12 he is old enough to decide where he wants to go. Today he picked him up at noon but it is supposed to be MY day. So no matter what we agree to it is broken. It is sooo frustrating. I can't communicate with either of them, so I am going to have to do custody paperwork so I at least have something in place that he cannot just break at a whim. I know I am doing any good with S, but I can't help it, I am hurt and taking it out on him at times when I feel he is siding with his father WHO LEFT US! How can he worship that? It is like he can do no wrong. I can't stand it.


Me 43 H 44 S-13 D-9
Separated 90 days 6/28/05
H Says he is done-10/2/06-day after 18th anniv
Moved out 10/2/07-to father's house-day after 19th wedding anniv-GF now
H Filed for D 7/08

Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 472
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I know I am not Shakespear
Or anyone who writes
My poetry helps me with my feelings
Even if it bites

I cannot speak to others
There is no one to talk to
Putting my feelings on paper
Is all I have to do

Once I had a partner
That used to listen to me
Now our relationship has deteriorated
His mirror is all he sees

I am frail and fragile
It gets worse each passing day
I’ve grown weary and leery
I have no more to say…


Me 43 H 44 S-13 D-9
Separated 90 days 6/28/05
H Says he is done-10/2/06-day after 18th anniv
Moved out 10/2/07-to father's house-day after 19th wedding anniv-GF now
H Filed for D 7/08

Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 1,185
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HSS-

I hope you are o.k. The end of your poem made me very worried about you.

I know we don't have a good history of communication, but I hope you will believe in my sincerity here.

HSS, Are you seeing a counselor? What you said about taking things out on your son at times is very alarming. Honestly, I understand this thought, I really do. In fact, I just emailed a friend and told her (talking about her situation) that I don't know how I could handle my children accepting an OW in their lives because it would hurt so much. BUT...I would do it. I would suck it up and fake the hell out of it somehow. Because, HSS, that is what we do as mothers. Otherwise you are going to alienate your son to the point that he will spend ALL of his time with your H.

We both have been at this for a LONG time. Long enough that we should be able to pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off and realize that our H's were not the center of the universe. Again, I have my days... we all do. I am very concerned that you have had them for so long, with no real positive postings from you that I can recall.

You said:
Quote:
I know I am doing any good with S, but I can't help it, I am hurt and taking it out on him at times when I feel he is siding with his father WHO LEFT US! How can he worship that? It is like he can do no wrong. I can't stand it.


The thing is, you CAN help it. You do have control over this. Yes, it sucks. Yes, it hurts. But, you have got to find it in yourself to do what you have to do to keep a relationship with your son.

You also said, "I can't communicate with either of them...." Again, you CAN. You just need to find an approach that works for both of you. Texting may be the best thing for you, as it is short, sweet, and to the point. Is there a reason you have a problem with this form of communication?

It seems to me, and I could be wrong, that you would rather talk to your H. Maybe if you establish a good texting relationship with him it can build from there. Don't push for more; as you can see the result is often that you end up with nothing.

I hope some others will chime in here and help you out.
And, I really hope that you take this as intended...as someone who cares trying to help someone who is drowning.

Take care HSS. I will say a prayer for you tonight.

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Thank you for your kind words. I almost at the lowest I can be right now. I don't feel like I can suck it up and accept whatever S12 says just to keep a relationship. I know that is wrong. I have never been one to "fake it". If I am upset I let it show. I just don't feel I am being treated fairly by his father or him. I have done nothing but kiss everyone's ass around here to make this go away and nothing ever comes of it except badness to me. Bad enough his father left me but now I feel like he is leaving me. And all because i make him do chores? His father acts like his best buddy, and since they don't have a house he does very little but take out the trash, I cannot compete with that. I have tried asking nicely to do their chores, I have tried threats of punishment, I even had a therapist do a chore chart and a reward system. NOTHING


Me 43 H 44 S-13 D-9
Separated 90 days 6/28/05
H Says he is done-10/2/06-day after 18th anniv
Moved out 10/2/07-to father's house-day after 19th wedding anniv-GF now
H Filed for D 7/08

Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 472
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Posts: 472
worked. I have a problem with accepting that life is not fair. Today with the snow they are home from school. I have D9 and S12 is over there - not so much as a phone call from them. Usually they call to ask if they are home as that is another school district over there. I had told myself I wouldn't answer the phone as I knew I would be cold to him.

What I hate about the texting is that he usually only contacts me when he has something nasty to say. Anything else goes through the kids. He no longer lets me know he is coming to get them or anything else normal. So obviously I get upset whenever I hear that I have a text, my heart goes into palpitations.


Me 43 H 44 S-13 D-9
Separated 90 days 6/28/05
H Says he is done-10/2/06-day after 18th anniv
Moved out 10/2/07-to father's house-day after 19th wedding anniv-GF now
H Filed for D 7/08

Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 472
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OP Offline
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Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 472
My daughter's school counselor called me at work Tues to say she was upset with her parents fighting. Luckily they called her father first and he said we don't fight, only text. He claims to not say anything bad about me in front of them. Doesn't sound that way to me. That started this lovely downfall of my emotions on the rollercoaster. I wrote this:

My child is hurting, that is clear to see
All I want is for her to be pain free
But how can I do that when I am in pain?
So many thoughts now fill my brain

She was the strong one I used to think
Good thing she is too young to drink
A good example I want to show
But how can that be done? I do not know

My family is broken, it will not mend
Wasted money on lawyers I must now send
How could things go so wrong?
I’m sure it will turn up in a song

If only we could rewind time
I would not be writing this rhyme
We would be the family we were meant to be
Of that I can clearly see…..


Me 43 H 44 S-13 D-9
Separated 90 days 6/28/05
H Says he is done-10/2/06-day after 18th anniv
Moved out 10/2/07-to father's house-day after 19th wedding anniv-GF now
H Filed for D 7/08

Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 472
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Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 472
Dating was fine when I was 17 and met guys in school. Now it is just scary. Almost every guy has an agenda and wants something. It scares me. Never thought at this point in my life I would have to do it again. I though I had found my life partner already.....Sigh


Me 43 H 44 S-13 D-9
Separated 90 days 6/28/05
H Says he is done-10/2/06-day after 18th anniv
Moved out 10/2/07-to father's house-day after 19th wedding anniv-GF now
H Filed for D 7/08

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,452
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Hi HSS.

This is my first post in this section as I find myself in the due process of the "Bid D" with my WAW. I'll try and start my own thread tomorrow, but your title caught my attention.

Hang in there. I allowed my STBX take my 2 boys 10 & 12 for the weekend since she hadn't seen them for a few weeks pending a order of protection against her. That hearing was when I learned she filed for D as I was served at the stand, how embaressing. That was exactly one month ago to the day. I have not seen my boys, only talked with them 2 times on the phone for all of 5 minutes, don't know where they are and know now that they are probably having their heads pumped full of her jargan and like you, I now work to pay my attorney and nothing more.

Didn't even get to see my S12 on his birthday.

So, it CAN BE worse. use and cherish what you have.

dday


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
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