I'm been reading DR and trying DBing, GALs, LRT, etc. Have no idea if its working as W is happy in her new life. I do want her back but have stop pleading, pursuing etc. I was wondering what else I can do? Should I still wear my wedding band as she has not since W dropped the bomb.
I think it doesn't matter about the ring. You should just do what you want in that regard without even wondering if it will get a response from your wife.
Buddy, she isn't even going to look at you as long as she's with OM. For the moment, consider that she doesn't care what you do. She thinks she's all kinds of happy, probably that this is her true soulmate. Don't think up fancy tricks and ploys to win her back. Just start throwing yourself back into life. Get out of the house. Get together with friends. Rediscover old hobbies or find new ones. Join a team sport for fun. Whatever you want to do. When the shine wears off the new relationship, she may take an interest in what you are up to. Make sure you show her something that is worth coming back to.
After you've had a month under your belt of truly living your life FOR YOURSELF, then you can look and see if it's just wanting something someone else has, or whether she's truly worth wanting.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Thanks, I have been walking most days when the weather is not too crappy. Been calling friends and family to re-connect or do activities. I'm still in our house with the kids so I'm busy with them. Been cleaning and re-organizing the house to my liking. I was wondering about going dark, what does it mean, especially when you have kids? I stopped the begging and telling her what she is giving up about a week ago as I realized it was just wearing me out and she was not really listening. It’s also hard to act happy cause it seems to make her feel better about leaving me and the kids.
Me-44 WAW-42 (ILYBNILWY) S-16 S-14 M-10/17/1992 T23 Met OM 10/10/08; Bomb 12/27/08; Moved in with OM 01/27/09 Me stronger and happier everyday!
Just caught up on things. Wow man you are doing an admirable job keeping it together during this difficult time. Be proud of yourself, you sound like you are being a rock for your kids.
Just wanted to show my support for what you are doing, and how you are handling yourself. Your sons will benefit so much from the example you are setting.
Best wishes, SF
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
I'm the biggest cheerleader now of going dark. I begged/pleaded, etc, with W, and she started coming up with the most ridiculous things to justify her affair - and she's not even moved in or anything! It's true - they pick up someone that knows exactly what to say - remember she has probably told the OM exactly what she doesn't like about you, so HE knows exactly what to do to make her think he's perfect. But the totem pole will usually topple.
Going dark is not a ploy to get to your W - it is for you. Keeping yourself around her is going to make you hurt over and over again. Seeing them together will cause so much pain. Talking to her, and remembering who she once was.
I went dark about 12 days ago, and the first 4-5 days were insanely hard. I reached bottom about day 4, and have slowly been working my way up. W got NASTY the first week, but then started texting me, and sending pics. Everytime I communicate with her about kids (and ONLY about kids) she tries to send conversational things and smiley faces.
I guarantee you it'll be HARD, but if you can do it, and I mean stone-cold dark, it'll be good. Expect backlash, but ignore it - there were many times I wanted so badly to respond, or to explain, but nope. Stick to it tight!
It is not right in MY situation, but if W contacts you, and wants to engage you in conversation, do so. But hang up first, keep it light, and do NOT under any circumstances talk about R.
If you feel she's trying to make herself feel better, then stop even THOSE conversations.
Remember - begging and pleading didn't accomplish anything!
I didn't read your previous posts. Wow, I must say that I think even less of your wife than I did. She didn't just leave you; she left the kids as well. What a catch! Where can I find a woman like that?! (NOT).
Honestly, she should be crawling thru broken glass begging for you back, not the other way around. As suggested above, go dark. Be busy with the kids to the point you aren't around to answer the phone. If she does call, hand it off to the kids without saying hi. Don't return e-mails. Don't answer texts unless they relate entirely to the kids.
There is an upside here. Even though I know it hurts them, at least you have the kids. She abandoned her motherly responsibility, which is essentially giving you custody without a fight. That's great for you. I wish that had happened for me.
P.S. Although I know it may feel as though going dark will just push her further away, just look at how you feel right now. You want what you can't have. When she feels that you are no longer hers for the asking (and she shouldn't be), she may experience the same longing.
Last edited by Phoenixdeux; 02/13/0905:29 PM.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Wow, well she does still take the kids to school and sometimes picks them up but she is not spending much quality time with them. Not sure why except maybe she wants to be with OM as much as possible. S15 is very angry with her and doesn't speak much to W. S13 just wants her to be back. I have been in contact with the kids teachers and school counselors to let them know what happened at home. The kids have a good support system in school and at home as my family and MIL are helping me keep them busy. Going dark seems very scary and I will try my best! Thanks for the support.
Me-44 WAW-42 (ILYBNILWY) S-16 S-14 M-10/17/1992 T23 Met OM 10/10/08; Bomb 12/27/08; Moved in with OM 01/27/09 Me stronger and happier everyday!
After what you have had to deal with, how much more scary can it be? If anything, it should give you some relief from the situation. I would also consider formally documenting what is going on, keep a log or journal besides just posting here.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
I didn’t do so well in January, pleaded with W about how I was always there for her through all her surgeries, illness, hospitalizations, etc and that we always promised the kids to work out any issues with our marriage, so we’d always be together. This took me all month to realize I was just banging my head against a wall. She has even shutdown from her family and friends as she is making a whole new life. I hope she is happy cause she has hurt many people! I’m still surprised how fast everything happened. She met OM in October, I confronted her about EA on Dec 1, she started counseling on Dec 2 and by Dec 27 was out of love with me. W acted normal the whole time and even admitted how well she lied to me, her family and friends so she could leave me. W even got OM to give her a disposable phone so I had no idea she was contacting him. She would go out with friends and ditch them to meet with OM. So, I’m still in shock and frustrated that she didn’t want to work on M and so I’m trying to do all the GAL, LRT, 180s to get myself in a better place.
Last edited by ppenton; 02/13/0906:30 PM.
Me-44 WAW-42 (ILYBNILWY) S-16 S-14 M-10/17/1992 T23 Met OM 10/10/08; Bomb 12/27/08; Moved in with OM 01/27/09 Me stronger and happier everyday!
