Kansaw-My H was very mean before he moved out a year ago and was gone for 6 months. Then I found out aboutthe A and he broke it off and moved back home, maybe a little prematurley, but he's home nonetheless. At fiorst everything was good, and he was trying so hard to reassure me that he was being faithful. I could just not let go of my fears though and now he is saying he feels trapped. Trapped by my questions and nontrust. I have to change this or he will have had enoough one day and be gone again. This is the last thing I want to happen. He does understand my concerns but I have got to let go of my fears. Even if he was still TALKING to the OW which he says he isn't it just makes her look all the more attractive compared to my fears and mistrust. Its so very hard after an A to trust but we have to let go and do it if we are going to save our M. I have to really start DBing now to get him to see that Iam going to change in this area. IT will take him awhile to see it or beleive it but I ahve to start somewhere and before its too late! Rachael
Sorry to hear your D is giving you such a time. It sounds like she inherited your H's personality! It is tough on them, though, and 17 is a difficult age anyway. I'm glad to hear your H is backing you up, even if not exactly as you'd like. She may well be acting out some of the disappointment, anger or whatever over her last 3 birthdays. My oldest (17 when he left, 19 when he returned) was not too readily accepting of him when he returned (though by then she was away at college, and it didn't make too much difference)--she thought I should have dumped him and not waited. Maybe when she's older she'll understand it differently, as hopefully so will your D. For now, I think you need to continue to be firm with her. Difficult, but after all you've been through, I'm sure you can do it. It's just hard to have the energy to keep it up sometimes, isn't it?
We're doing fine for the most part. You're right about my H never really being that mean, though he said some awfully hurtful things, that I doubt I'll ever forget. Including that OW would always have a special place in his heart. Even though I knew it had been over between them for months before he returned, it was at least another 6 months before I could believe she was actually out of his heart. And I'll probably always wonder if there isn't still some little soft spot for her somewhere, if he gets a twinge of nostalgia or longing when he happens to run into her (though they will not speak to eachother). It does take time for the A to end and to really "get over" the other person, but I do think men, with their "compartmentalized" minds, move on more quickly than women do. I am sure I thought of XOW far more during the first year my H was home than he did.
I'm praying that the Retrouvaille weekend will bring you two physically closer, as well as emotionally/spiritually. Hang in there!
Rachael, You MUST “act as if” you trust him. You will drive him away if you don’t. As so many have said before: Your fears will drive him away. I pray that you can stop your anxious thoughts and replace them with good ones, at all times. I had to do it. My H would not tolerate for a second, me being emotionally needy. I’m not saying that you can never tell him anything about your struggles. It’s just that you can’t lay it in his lap and expect him to “fix” it. I will continue to pray for you. Hugs
Hi Debm, I can’t thank you enough for your support. I do so value your perspective. I think you really understand where I have been and where I have to go and what I have to do to get there. Most people question my choices.
My D DID inherit my H’s personality. It is a challenge. That’s why it was extra difficult when H was a raving lunatic, D was the same way. Only thing was, D was suppose to be behaving that way, H wasn’t. I do hope D will get a better perspective when she’s older. I just hope I’m around when that time comes. She was furious, and I do mean furious, when she came home Monday afternoon and found I had returned her gifts. She conveniently minimized her reaction to the gift in the first place. That little incident, took me awhile to recover from, actually. But, I’m fine now and am now able to reach out lovingly but firmly, to D to try to work things through with her.
I am glad that you all are well and doing fine. I pray that you all continue to do so and that you continue to be able to heal.
I sure do appreciate your prayers on our behalf regarding Retrouvaille. I'm in "nail-biting" mode until we actually check in that Friday evening.
I just don’t know what I will do if it doesn’t move things well along in a highly visible way. I know it isn’t a panacea but it does promise better communication and connectedness.
The other night I actually brought up the OW by name and H didn’t get defensive. I was so amazed. He did ask me why I was bringing up her name. To which I replied, I hate to avoid indefinitely, talking about something that is obviously being avoided. I hate talking around things. Might as well just say her name cause there is such a charge about it. Something like that. We might have had a nice honest conversation about it if the doorbell hadn’t rung. But that’s okay, it was a start.
Take good care of yourself Deb. You are a good person and I wish only happiness for you and yours. I’ll be here when you feel like stopping by.
H was gone an hour. He said he was driving around the neighborhood looking for a mailbox. (He had left with stamped, addressed envelopes in his hand)
I said, you drove around for an hour looking for a mailbox? He said no, he had hung out in the grocery store. He had gone to get a specific item. When he came back his hands were empty. I asked him if he was able to find the item he was looking for. He said yes. I said, where is it? He said, in the car. When I re-tell it here it sounds accusatory. But, I swear, I asked him in a very kind tone and as part of the conversation. I accepted his answers. I did not register any anxiety at that time. But you can imagine that I had a hard time believing that he had taken an hour to find a mailbox(said he never found one) and that the item he went to get at the grocery store, he left in the car? Before ow, I would not have thought twice about it.
I accepted his answers. I went to sleep and around midnight I was awakened by our dog barking like crazy. I couldn't go back to sleep. I started to imagine that ow had snuck into H's studio. I opened my door to the backyard. H's studio door closed.
I told H about it this morning. I said that someone had come through the gate last night around midnight. He appeared concerned and surprised. He said that he was up until about 2:00Am and had hadn't heard a thing. I asked him if he had had a visitor at that time. He said no and that if he was going to have a visitor he wouldn't have them come through that gate, it is full of mud and weeds. He seemed surprised, concerned and truthful.
I let it go. He told me to get a padlock for that gate.
It's all about my attitude. I couldn't stop the flashbacks that were triggered by his "secretive"(strange) behavior. I hardly slept because my mind was obsessing like it did the first year. I managed to get my thoughts under control but it was a challenge. I did not let on to my H that his behavior and the dog barking had triggered my "paranoia" or sixth sense.
I have no control over what my H chooses to do. I know this. I cannot even allow myself to question anything my H does, otherwise I can plummet my PMA.
I made it through. This afternoon, H called me with some good news and shared his happiness about a success he had today. I shared his happiness and wished him luck on his next meeting. I thanked him for letting me know as soon as he was done with the meeting because I was thinking of and cheering for him.
I sometimes believe my H has duped me into living in this situation. Why does he sleep in the studio?
Well, 2 and a half weeks until Retrouvaille. I hope I can get some reassurance then.
Kansha: i think is perfectly normal feeling the way you felt last night after or knowing your h maintain an A.. I still experience some anxious moment wondering is my h is really with his buddies, but i work a lot trying to control myself and i feel great when i finally get out of that situation, panic moment, without making noises or troubles between us... It is not easy to rebuild trust in them... but you can do this... hang on... you inspire me a lot...
Something has triggered my anxiety. Well, there are a few things that have.
H is not working right now. (His contract ended and he has to find new work)
This is always anxiety producing because: number one: We have no income. number two: He is not at a "job" every day and could be anywhere when he goes out.
He is not answering his cell phone.
All this triggers what happened in October of 1998 thru at least half of 2000.
I felt like I was having a nervous breakdown today. Really. I will not go through this again. I need to find a way to calm myself.
Another reason I am anxious is because H was upset after he spoke with the guy from Retrouvaille. H feels that I misrepresented the purpose of the weekend to him. I told him I had never spoken with anyone from Retrouvaille and had only spoken to many people who have actually done the weekend and that is where I got my information. I did not purposely mislead him.
H talked about this last night in front of S9 so it was hard to get much clarity on what was at issue. But, this only feeds my thinking that I have done an incredibly stupid thing by moving into this house with H.
So, I know I have to focus on the reasons I've decided to hang in there in the first place. They have really not changed. They are: #1: I want a stable home life for my kids.
#2: I don't want my kids to be exposed to whomever H might choose to be in a relationship with.
#3. I will never NOT have to deal with my H because of the kids.
#4 I want the benefits of moving into a mature marriage that has worked through all the issues. Borrowing from Blair who spoke about true marriage on the MLC forum(I think): I want the "Agape" that comes from sticking with a marriage that has "moved through" That feeling of "eros" and into something lasting.
Okay, I know I can't do anything about my H's choices. It's just that WHAT are my H's choices?
I am rambling. If I make it to Retrouvaille it just might well be a miracle.
I told H that I certainly didn't want him to feel "tricked" into doing Retrouvaille. I said then let's not do it. But then that presents a problem. He said hold on there I didn't say I wasn't going to do it.
I said I just am never sure what you decide or what your stand is on things. It makes me very uneasy.
H said: "Look, we'll do the weekend okay?"
H got up this AM, took a shower. When I was ready to leave, I went and knocked on his door, I didn't hear anything so I opened to find he had gone back to bed. These things make me anxious.
H is on antibiotics and they make him spacy and confused.
Okay, still rambling.
I can't do this again folks, no way, no how!!!!!
H just returned, said he was at Barnes and Noble and that he had left his cell phone at home. Doesn't sound promising does it folks.
I then asked him If I could talk to him? I said that I needed some clarity, other wise I have all this stuff going on in my head that keeps me from functioning.
I spoke using "I" messages.
He did not decline but put it off. Well, got to go get dinner.
Kansha: If you feel you need some clarities from a conversation with your h, just do it but always talking about your feelings, expressing what are your doubts, needs and always showing him strong and self caring... Never demand or ask for a behavior from him... i advice you not to talk about OW... at least an specific OW... just talk about trust you want to feel... remember, OW isnt the problem... the problem is in your h...
I had my little talk with H. After that I'm thinking that I got the "booby" prize. Yes, my marriage has not ended in divorce, after 4 years of this, I can say that. But, I did not get the prize when God was handing out husbands.
Some of the highlights of our conversation: "I don't deserve to be in a relationship. I'm not good at working at them. I like being by myself. I don't have the drive to make a relationship work. I'm not any good at it.I need to thrive, and then everyone around me thrives."
He controlled the entire conversation from beginning to end. I even mentioned that to him and he said that's the way it has to be.
I asked him if perhaps we could have some ground rules. I then mentioned that, in the past four years, he had stood before me countless of times and just bold-faced lied. He then cut me off and said he thinks that is something we need to talk about at Retrouvaille.
I can't relay all that he said, but afterwards, I was furious.
Sometimes, I just need to ignore what he says. He probably always will speak from a fearful, anti-commitment stance. You can't pin him down. He also pointed out how in our early years, I had to take a vacation from him. That he has always been self-involved.
Yes, actually this is so.
Why did I marry him? Because I had no idea, how to choose a man to be married to.
I thought those things just worked themselves out.
After all, he was the love of my life. I loved him, he loved me.
I'm referring to him at the moment as my "so-called husband".
Well, perhaps it is just his extreme fear that is rearing it's ugly head in anticipation of Retrouvaille.
He had a real problem when the Retrouvaille interviewer told him that the purpose of the weekend is for couples to re-commit to their marriage. He does not want to be "brain-washed".
Well, I'm counting down, now 2 weeks from tonight until Retrouvaille.
You know what really bothers me? He doesn't appear to have any remorse. Now my H wouldn't show me if he did feel remorse so, it doesn't really mean that he isn't remorseful. It's just so infuriating!
sleep well (as my H says)
Thanks for checkin' up on me Andrea. I hope you are doing well.
I have been reading your thread and thinking about you. I agree, your H is controlling the situation. That passive-aggressive attitude that that's the way he is and you can like it or lump it amounts to abuse
But, it could also amount to an adolescent attitude that you aren't going to tell him what to do---projection of a mother he has to rebel against onto you.
You have 2 weeks until your retreat. Could you go way dim on him and work on yourself until then? The classic DBing? Just let him swing in the breeze for a while, and be friendly but distant. Meanwhile, pull some 180s and do fabulous things for yourself.
Also, Holly---is your D an adolescent? I read somewhere that sometimes our children's adolescence will trigger a MLC and throw our spouse back into adolescence.
