MWG comes to these boards to get advice and that's okay too. If she seeks God's counsel and He tells her to set boundaries for her husband then by all means she should do that.
very generous of you Snowmm. Unless God has taken to posting answers why are you actually here yourself.
I am a good friend of MWG. We talk all the time. I have some insight into all this that I would like to share with you all. MWG is not behind this post. Just me.
First of all, Snodderly, please do not stop posting to MWG. She so admires and is encouraged by your thoughts. I know you truly care for her well being. Your insight is so valuable to her. Please stay active with your attention to my friend.
Now lets talk about these boards. Any viewpoint and advice needs to be given with the understanding that it CAN be put into practice or rejected, but always appreciated. It is only given out of love and concern. It is a personal choice that no one would take away from anyone. I myself have given her lots of advice but always know she may reject it. She appreciates the options that it presents to her. Please understand if she appear to not take our advice. She doesn't take mine either, and I still keep giving it!!!! And that is just fine with me. I know she appreciates it, but chooses her own path. We just show her other possibilities.
We talk at length about the seriousness of her financial situation. She is aware, and trying to make the best situation out of a dismal one. MWG takes her children into consideration. They give her advice too, and frankly I believe they have a stake in this, as this is their future well being too. They see that there is really nothing that MWG can do to really impact H. I am impressed with the insight these young people seem to have and want the family back together too. She also speaks to an old friend of her H. He has some background in mental health care, and says there is nothing she can do. Just wait and be patient. I spent a long time last night helping her outline her choices. We talked about possible outcomes of all of them. I left the choice to her, because, it is her life. And I must also say that if she took advice that I wanted her to take,and it failed, I would be responsible. I do not want that burden. It has to be her choice. There are many facets to her situation that are too involved to post here, but I can assure you she IS trying to move this forward as quickly and ethically as she can. I only trust that God will clarify the pathway that follows His Will. That is how MWG will be most peaceful with the outcome of this journey. So, in summary, please keep posting to MWG. But let's allow her to chose her own path. If it works she will be responsible. If it doesn't she will be able to live with the consequences because she walked with God. Peace and Poledancing, HOooly
Bomb 1/06 D dismissed 11/07, attempt reconciliation. Premature. Divorce final October 31, 2008. OW looks like bad history. Over. Still hopeful. Baby steps. In R with my X.
Good post, Holly. I am glad you are there for her. I keep in touch with my email and I know that at time this is so hard for her. I admire her so much because regardless of the rough road this causes her, she does what she feels is the right road for her.
God will lead her to the right path...we just need to support her in the meantime.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
Holly, that was a kind and caring post. I take some of your points but I do not feel that you can be held responsible for advice given that doesn't work.As it stands nothing has worked for years.
Lets face it this is like watching a train crash in slow motion. I am not sure I agree with taking advice from children in this, her son particularly has played both sides against the middle and imo is not to be trusted and I do feel that they are still children and are naturally concerned for their financial future and stability. That is perfectly understandable.
I have never been offended if people do not take my advice,but I do get frustrated when stories change and are contradictory. I for one cannot keep offering encouragement and cheerleading type comments if I actually see nothing has changed. What's left words of sympathy for the life she is living- I can't see that helps. I can not see anything changing in MWG's situation unless she takes active steps to change it. I see bankcruptcy and heartache unless FIL bails them out. Her h appears to be quite settled as things are. However if as you say there are many things we do not know about then it is hard to offer an opinion. I am glad she has such a good friend in you and really hope that at some point soon she will have some control over her life. I really do wish her well.
I think that the thing that seems to cause frustration with this particular situation is that nothing changes.
We see MWG continually enabling her Husband, and there are absolutely no boundaries.
I do understand being a Stander, been there, done that.
And what may work for one person, may not work for another.
BUT...
There does come a point when enough is enough. Someone has to change the steps to the dance you are doing, and rock the boat a bit.
For example, the tax refund check.
Why on earth would you give this Man a single penny, especially when you are struggling to make ends meet?
Why not use the money to fix the car, stock up on groceries, catch up on bills and then IF there is anything left over, maybe give him something.
I understand that MWG wants so desperately to love her Husband as Christ loves the Church, and to treat him like a welcome member of the family.
You can still do this, but with boundaries to protect yourself and the children.
As long as he is continuing to live in Sin, and to have a relationship with the OW, he shouldn't also have the benefits of being the "head of the household" being able to come and go as he pleases, without any accountability.
I am NOT saying he needs to be punished by you, BUT he does need to have a reality check and understand that this behavior is no longer tolerated.
The Man is free to do whatever he wants, he has carte blanche.
He has spent the last 3 plus years emotionally torturing you and your family.
You are existing, you are not living.
I am not sure if you understand that being a martyr does not mean that you are any closer to God, and sometimes the fight is not worth the cause.
Many people here love you and care about you. We worry about you. And it would be a huge disservice if we just pacified you and told you what you want to hear and not speak the truth into your life.
I do not know the future, I have no clue if one day your Husband will finally wake up from his miserable existance and show remorse for his actions or will simply continue to live like this for a few more years.
But what I do know is that his behavior will affect your children as they become adults.
I do know that your Son and Daughters will carry this burden around with them as they get older, and choose a Spouse for themselves.
Please do not view my post as an attack on your life, and your choices. I am concerned for you and your family, and I do not believe that anyone should be treated so poorly for so long.
((((((((((hugs)))))))))
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
I don't really see anything changing until this man WANTS to change. As it has been pointed out, there is no reason for him to change, as he really has the run of the mill. I understand choices and living your life and making your own decisions, but I don't see how MWG expects anything to get better doing what has been done and it staying the same. I agree with BND in her statement that he has mentally tourtured his family for a long time, honestly, I hope his father does respond, with a baseball bat to the side of his head. I personally think this man is a spoiled brat.
