Which direction do I go?

[ping1]

Spoke to W today basically trying to find out where she stands. She has no idea, she can't tell me anything, I even asked if she looked into a crystal ball and saw myself, her and the boys being happy in the future would that be the route she chose to go. She still can't answer that, the only thing she answered was she wanted to be happy.

I feel more confused now then I did last night. Part of me wants to just forget about this whole ordeal until she truly has a change of heart and comes back and says she wants to work on a reconcile and the other part wants me to drop everything again and put myself in a position of hurt all over again.

She stated she was very happy that we finally sat down and talked last night as she felt we both needed that as we have really not communicated in 5 months. She told me that the weekends I have the kids that all she does is sit around crying. She doesn't know why she wanted me to watch Fireproof, she has no idea, she says it could be because that was the way we could finally sit down after we watched it and talk about things or it could mean more or it could mean nothing, she just has no idea at this time.

I am going to continue to pray about this, I had my mind made up today before talking to W that I was going to end relationship with OW but now I am starting to think that is not a good idea.

Being confused right now is an understatement.

Thank you all for your advice.

[AmyC]

Of all the signs and wonders you have listed as having been taking place - the one that should capture your attention is your own reaction to this turn of events.

Understand, I am not discounting the "injustice" of it all.
It has to boggle the mind and heart when a WAW stops walking and starts pondering.
I wouldn't know.
I was a MLC/WAW that stopped, pondered and then turned around.
My husband had not entered into another relationship though.
But even still, it was a while before I could translate verbally what was happening, what was changing, inside of me during the beginning of my own realizations. Hell 3 years post, I'm still translating it...

I told you your wife wouldn't have the answers and you pressed her anyway.
I understand why and I'm not slamming you but you really have little to no understanding of this process.
And that her lack of an appropriate response made you think that leaving the other woman wasn't such a good idea (after you had started thinking you would) should be cause for deep reflection on your part.

If you are the least bit sensitive to the Spirit, I hope that you will recognize what is most obvious here.

And that's that it ain't over until HE says it's over.



God bless,

AmyC

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I hate using the term OW in cases like this...it doesn't apply.

Ping...regardless of what your wife said today. You realized that you don't have the right feelings for this lady.

If you don't talk to her like Ian suggested, and others as I recall...then our similarities end.

Be a man, not a boy.

If her feelings develope deeper for you, and you hurt, knowign you would drop her if your wife called up and said sincerely that she wanted to be happy with you...man...that's cold.

As for your other thoughts, yes agree, and understand them.

[Sara]

Have you looked up the Retrouvaille weekend near you? Did you ask you wife if she wants to go? that could be a sign. If you are looking for a sign from God, you can look there. I did not go there looking for God, but I knew that he was there in the hearts of every who was giving their time and effort to help us save our marriage and family.

[ping1]

Some of these feelings I am typing are feelings I feel at the time. I know that I have to make my mind up either to stay with the person I am currently seeing or take a risk and fight for family. I thought the seperation was tough, this just may be as tough. Not knowing what the future holds is hard to digest in sitch's like this. I have to pray about this and see where I am led to. I have to make a decision on one or the other.

I think Retrouvaille would be a great place to go, not to sure W would entertain that offer right now.

Amy, how long were you a WAW? Did your mind change day to day while you were disecting what you were going through or did you know that you wanted to work on your M?

JTB, I understand what your saying about the feelings, I do have feelings for her but they are not as deep as the feelings I have for W and your right, I was not ready like I thought I was.

[AmyC]

I was lost for about 2.5 years and it took about 9 months total before I pulled my head all the way out of my ass.

During those 9 months or so, I was all over the map at first and then I withdrew into myself for a while which was when I eventually considered that everything might not have been all my husband's fault. Then I got hurled out of the MLC tunnel on my ass.

The rest is history.
I've been fighting for my marriage, and at times for myself, ever since.
3 years.
And it has just been in the last few months things have started to slowly turn.
So as you can see, this won't be a cakewalk.
Not for you and DEFINITELY not for her.

So what is it you believe in?

[sofaraway]

Ping, I got the same vibe as Amy on your post. If you were ready to end the relationship with your girlfriend because of what is at this point simply a small possibility, then you know what needs to be done there.

Please do not stay with your GF just because your W isn't coming around, it just isn't the right thing to do. Your decision/thought that you needed to break it off, speaks huge volumes.

I also think you don't need to ask or talk about reconciliation, future crystal balls, or retroveille with your x-wife. Cocoons come off at different paces on butterflies. If you get to anxious and try and break the chrysalis, you can kill the emerging butterfly. Let the pace come at whatever speed God wants it to. You have seen something that has sparked your interest, that should say enough to you to know what you need to do to move ahead. Sit back and see if she comes out more or not. Don't jump the gun, don't bite the dangling carrot, just sit back and if she is truly emerging you will get to play witness.


So try not to be reactive and not to get to far ahead of yourself ok. Just give yourself some time and space to watch as things progress without anyone possibly getting hurt.


Ian

[Bworl]

So many of us don't make it through the crap period. So much hurt is dished out; every ounce of self-confidence we had is blown apart. That period of time where our spouse is stepping away does an incredible amount of damage.

When we finally get smart and leave them alone, usually the full out assault begins to temper a bit. We've backed off, they are happy we've backed off (since they didn't really want much of anything to do with us anyway), and things calm down. We begin the slow process of getting our legs under us again.

For some of us, that's where things end. There is a bit of inevitability that comes over us. Maybe a divorce actually happens, or maybe we just finally accept that the marriage is over. Could be that our spouse has finally delivered enough blows through their words and actions that we lose any desire we once had to continue the fight. Could be that we honestly reach the point where we just no longer want it anymore.

It doesn't sound to me like you ever completely closed the door. The very fact that you have these questions in your mind suggests to me that there is still a part of you inside that wants your whole family back again.

If you would end things with this new person if you knew your wife was seriously entertaining thoughts of trying to rebuild your life, then I think you've already made your choice.

And hearing your wife now say that she doesn't know, doesn't change the choice that is already living inside of you.

You can hedge your bets on a football game or in the stock market, but doing so in your relationships is really not all that cool. I think you know that.

But see, YOU have to get to the point where you're willing to be honest with yourself, BEFORE you can even be honest with these two women in your life.

From my perspective, regarding your wife, it sounds like there is now a chance.

That's something that I assume was not there before.

Maybe it's not fair to ask, but what would you have given for such a chance BEFORE?


Maybe it's too late. Only you know that for sure. And if so, it's no condemnation on you.


Or maybe you're just afraid of being disappointed and hurt again. And I think most of us could understand that. Just remember, nothing ventured, nothing gained.


Blessings,

Bill

[AmyC]

I want to comment on two things - one that Ian said and one that Bill said.

First Ian:

I also think you don't need to ask or talk about reconciliation, future crystal balls, or retroveille with your x-wife. Cocoons come off at different paces on butterflies. If you get to anxious and try and break the chrysalis, you can kill the emerging butterfly.

I couldn't agree more. Instead of focusing on her so much, you're really going to have to stop here and look at yourself. It wasn't just your wife who went on a journey. You did too. And it should be clear by now that you went into that other relationship without the end of your marriage ever being resolved in your heart. You have to resume YOUR OWN journey now, just as your wife will have to finish hers. And it's not fair that you would get to have a sidekick because that's not going to get you wherever it is you're truly meant to be.


And this from Bill:

Maybe it's too late. Only you know that for sure. And if so, it's no condemnation on you.

Absolutely.
If you decide on your own, by searching your own heart, that you just can't go through this, no one here would condemn you for that. The road you have already traveled was rough enough. The one you can choose to go down now is a new kind of hell and though the road may well be blessed, that does not guarantee it will be smooth. In fact, I can almost promise you it won't be. But neither will moving on and possibly spending a lifetime wondering 'what if?'. So pray. Find out what He has to say. See where He takes YOU. Leave everything else in His capable hands. If you try to steer this thing you can't imagine the potholes that are out there. Search your heart and pray. Whatever you decide will be respected.

[ping1]

Thank you all for your support. After really thinking things through from todays actions I called my W and this is how it went tonight.

I had told her earlier in the day that I was thinking of calling things off with GF and she told me I shouldn't do that because she didn't know where all this was going to lead. As you know from my previous post above, she doesn't know what the future holds. Well I thought about this for a while and had to call her.

I told her I apologize for jumping on the bandwagon of thinking she may be ready to talk, I informed her that I felt in my heart that God had been given me signs for the last 2 weeks and that when she had called me about two weeks ago emotional on the phone that I heard a different voice I hadn't heard in over a year. I didn't put much into this voice, her voice was just nicer, I can't explain what it was, I told her tonight I had no idea what it was but it was just different. Then at church the sermon was about relationships and sure enough the very next week her sermon was about the same thing which moved her to buy the movie and call me. I let her know that in my eyes these were signs to me as I had always prayed that she would find happiness rather that be with me or without me but I wanted her to find happiness.

I informed her that these last 2 weeks just hit me and brought back all of the emotions of my love for her and I felt I was being told something through these actions. I apologized to her for jumping the gun and let her know I was just following my heart and I'm sorry. She informed me we are suppose to follow our hearts, stop apologizing. She stated she did not want to hurt me again but she was not ready to make a decision about us because she has no idea where this is leading. She was very upset on the phone in tears. She said she had already hurt me enough and she would hate to see me end relationship with GF and then things not work out for us as that is the last thing she wanted to ever do again was to hurt me. She told me it killed her to see the hate that I had built up for her and she couldn't handle it. "This was the wall I had put up, our D was not pretty, it involved finances and custody so there has been no contact with her, in my eyes this was how I was going to go on without her, I felt I had to build this wall as now I was hurt and didn't want to feel the pain any longer." She told me that she had to fix herself before she could ever think about fixing us if it came to that, I told her I agree. I told her that if we did choose to go down that road again then I wanted her to do it for the right reasons, not for finances, not for the kids but because she wanted me back in her life because of her love for me, no other reason would work.

Last night when I apologized for my wrong doings in our M she told me to stop apologizing, she told me the same thing tonight when I was apologizing for jumping the gun thinking she was ready.

Ladies and gentleman, I have a hard decision to make here, I am not going to jump into this decision right now. I am going to give it a minimum of 1 week and see where I am led to. I am heading out of town tomorrow on a business trip and maybe I will be able to think this through some more. I know where my heart is at and I know that no matter what decision I come up with, there will always be a place in my heart for W, that will never go away. Please say a prayer for me.