The house is on the market

[MsMelancoly]

Hi ((Julia)), Yes, I agree with the others, there are many positives, even though it may not feel that way. He did follow through on contacting x too for you.

Just wondering, are you still using DBcoach Jody?? What advise is she giving?? How long is your "business" attitude supposed to be? It does seem that your "business" attitude is working & making him feel more comfortable emailing & meeting with you. What's your assessment?

Still, this must be difficult - keep that PMA going!!!

[JCJ]

(((Ali))) That would mean I would come out with exactly nothing and I really don't think anyone can say I have not put my part into this marriage. This is a vent at him not at you :-) I say this here instead of saying it to him as it makes me sound like a martyr - you naturally do these things for the person you love and I would do them again. And you asked me some good thought provoking questions. Thank you

I loved him unconditionally and was a good partner. I nursed him for years, worked two jobs while he was ill from 9am - 1am in the morning sometimes, single- handedly decorating this house, fighting for over a year for our marriage, and being dumped for no real reason after he returned to better health - although as you know I have done much soul searching and although at that time I wasn't a perfect wife as I was depressed for a period of 2 months and unemployed, I just needed his support. I cannot think about him anymore and his needs, he is not thinking about me and I need to secure my future. I am not that young anymore to save a deposit. I could have lived at home all this time and could have saved up that deposit and more if I hadn't married him. 'Morals' don't seem to come into it anymore with him - he shacked up with another woman - and morally I don't believe I am entitled to nothing. Plus his family just waste money like water - what I get would be nothing to them. All I can do is try to start my life over again. I'm ranting, not at you, at him I have mostly forgiven him for these things and I will move on but I am hurt and I need to look after myself - he chose to leave and not work on things. I won't say any of these things to him - that would sound desparate, all I know is what I am entitled to and that is all he needs to hear from me - I think he knows the rest which is why he couldn't look at me for so long.

(((Kassie)))

We trust in someone else who we think will always be there, make decisions that we think we will see the fruit of in years to come and just that things will turn out so differently.

Wow, you hit the nail on the head regarding my feelings. I think the reason why I find it so hard to let go is that I invested so much into the relationship.

I know you feel unprotected in more ways than one - what do you really need to keep yourself feeling safe

This is the thing, he has a new place and new girl - a change of scene and doesn't have to experience the loneliness. As they say here you can only change and you can only look after you too. I need to make some decisions for me now not for us or him. I'm not saying he is happy but he has made his choices.

(((Ms M)))
She is still my coach but I haven't phoned for a while - lack of funds and what i am doing seems to be working. I suppose you cannot put a time limit on these things and I can only go at his pace. If he goes to slowly and misses the boat with me then that is his loss. I don't really undrstand what he is feeling or what is going on with him. I think he cares but feels no romantic feelings towards me. I think all he can think about is the move and maybe once that is over we will be on a more even state. I think at the moment what i am doing is working in terms of his interactions with me, in terms of whether it is wanting me back or anything to do with ow - only time will tell I suppose. Thank you for your encouragement, it means a lot to have you here.

Ok, I know I shouldn't look but he has changed his FB info to 'in a relationship' that was a stinger. It may not be that I can meet him this week I need to get stonger. He will just have to wait.

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Julia, wow, I am sorry things hitting you harder at the moment, but its not surprising. THere were things in your post which I wanted to reply to, but feel free to ignore me, as you know your sitch/mind best!

That would mean I would come out with exactly nothing and I really don't think anyone can say I have not put my part into this marriage.

...No, you have come out of the M with your head held high. You haven't lied, or been avoidant, or left your supportive, loving H for a OM you met at work, without telling him. You have not been vengeful, or hurtful, or angry or mean to him in any way. So.. its not about the money IMHO. Ok, so you walk away with nothing, but you know you dont have to have regrets or guilt over your behaviour, you can take the moral highground and have peace of mind in the future. If you ask for what wasnt yours to begin with, perhaps you lose that upperhand? Perhaps thats not the right thing to do, morally?

Also, you said

I have mostly forgiven him for these things and I will move on but I am hurt and I need to look after myself

Again, its not about money. You do need to forgive him in time compleletly, for yourself, its not good to hang onto that stuff, but I would rather walk away with nothing and my head held high than let the end of the R descend into an argument over money and whose is rightfully whose.

Most importantly though, you said...

She is still my coach...what i am doing seems to be working. I suppose you cannot put a time limit on these things and I can only go at his pace. If he goes to slowly and misses the boat with me then that is his loss...I think at the moment what i am doing is working in terms of his interactions with me, in terms of whether it is wanting me back or anything to do with ow - only time will tell I suppose.

So, you are still DBing him, you still hope for reconciliation (whilst moving on with your life) and still would take him back if he turned up on your door tommorow? Well, if thats the case you should DEFINETLY not ask for half the money. Hows that going to ingratiate yuorself to him? If I were him and my ex was demanding more than they had contributed and money my DAD had given me, and they knew that, I would feel angry at them and feel that they were being vengeful and I would feel very hurt that they would do that to my Dad (who I love to bits). You see what I am saying?? He's already insinuated he wants his Dad's money back and feels awkward about it, so it might not help your goal if you antagonise him.

Maybe you should see what he offers you, financially. Me and my last ex before this one lived together, I bought a house, which we moved into, but the mortgage was in my name only. We werent M so Citizens Advice and my solicitor said, legally he wasnt entitled to a penny as he had only contributed to the interest, not the capital, when he left me for an OW (he wanted me back 6 months later, but it was too late by then!!). But, I felt he was entitled as he had lived there, so I gave him several thousand pounds, being half, the then equity, to set him up for the future. Morally it was the right thing to do.

So... if your H wants all the money back he put in, after all this time and after he M you (and you didnt sign a prenup!) and after the way he has left the M...and yet doesnt see that you deserve half and lets just forget the original investment, then perhaps that points to something in him thats not that admirable? Just something to think about maybe..

Al xxx

[naej]

Hi JCJ, I totally agree with you. All good and valid points.
At this stage and especially in light of the FB status, I say protect yourself at every turn. I think I have said that all along.
Too many of us have suffered financial hardship because we mistakenly thought that by being meak and generous that "they" would see the love we still had for them and the determination to stand for our marriage. In most if not all cases we merely helped support their new lifestyle and new partner.
Asking for and fighting if needs be, for what the law allows is not being mercenary or greedy. You need feel no guilt or martydom.
Value your worth and all that you have invested in this marriage. You can lay down and let him walk all over you and still have no guarentee the outcome will be that your marriage is restored.
Remember this was his choice,yes you played your part as we all did or have done. It is hard enough being lonely you may as well do it in as much comfort as the law allows.
Set your boundaries for your own mental well being. Someone has a sig. line that says "if you don't want to be a doormat get up of the floor". I don't think you are on the floor by any means but sometimes inthe DB process we suffer in silence for fear of affecting the eventual outcome.
Sorry you had to read that on FB. He certainly isn't giving you much thought or anything to hold on to is he.

[JWS]

please read my current thread

[JCJ]

Hi all

Well, lets start with nice news. I'm an Auntie again and this is my first niece. I am so excited for my brother and his wife, they have waited a long time for this and so deserve it. I can't wait to meet her at the weekend!

I got snowed in the past few days so have been working from home under lots of duvets! It is beautiful though and I made a snowman which was fun. I have also been nursing my cat who has an eye infection and is feeling very sorry for herself.

H news, I have been caving a bit and have only just answered him. I needed to take the time to get over a few things and gather my strength together again to deal with him. He text me yesterday to see if I got his email and suggested this Thursday so I emailed him back today a really nice friendly chatty email basically saying how extraordinarily busy I am (which is true) and unfortunately I can't meet him until Thursday next week (which is also true). I carried on the discussion we were having about work stuff and p.s'd him news about my new niece.

(((Ali))) this gave me a lot of food for thought, thank you
"and yet doesnt see that you deserve half and lets just forget the original investment, then perhaps that points to something in him thats not that admirable? Just something to think about maybe.."

(((Naej))) Thank you for your post, it also gave me much food for thought. I have really taken what you have said on board. Thank you so much for your advice. We'll have to wait and see what he comes up with...

[transformer]

Dear Julia,

I hope you are feeling snuggly warm underneath all your duvets!! I just wanted to let you know that I'm reading and pulling for you. I know there is some debate on your thread about this, but I support your decision to accept nothing less than half the value of the house. You're doing such a good job handling this!!

(((J)))
T

[Ready2Change]

HUGS

[sandycay]

Just catching up on you. You're doing an amazing job. Keep it going girl!

[One Day]

((((Julia))))

I too thought I'd say hello in this world. I think Thursday next week sounds like it's going to be interesting, but you're going to handle it brilliantly as you always do with the F2F meetings.

Look forward to catching up at choir next week too,

L. xx