I have just noticed that you had only been married a very short time so hopefully not to much damage can have been done re finances but I would still get advice.
Thanks for stopping by. It is hard to come to the realisation that your h can no longer be trusted. Thank you for sharing your experience. I will certainly heed your advice. The Citizens Advice Bureau is free anyway, it can do no harm.
JCJ, I agree with everyone else about setting boundaries. When we separated, the cc were notified- 1-most were in my name and he was an add on-easy to take off, 2 - joint ones were shut down with pay off determined by an agreement. I think being polite,respectful etc and reminding him that you are separate and responsible individ now. You can't control his reaction - my XH blew a fuse when I asked for the house key back years after I bought the house and only because my current H didn't think he should be able to come and go like that. It didn't bother me either way - only because his kids live here. But when he calmed down I explained that we were not M anymore and my house is like the ones where kids stay overnight with friends - he can visit them but they don't give him a key just because his kids are staying there overnight. Sounds like a lot going on. You've got my support no matter what you do. You have been good to me and you will get the same from me.
Just stopping by to check up on you. Sorry that he is continuing down his current path. Just remember that is his rocky road to walk not yours. I am proud of you for setting boundaries and not allowing him to use your credit card. Keep up the good work. I know it does not feel that way but I think that you are making progress there.
Just wanted to say hi. I am now living in Japan, and just getting settled. it is strange to be so far from home, but the right time in my life to be off doing something just for me.
How are you doing day to day, and enjoying your own life?? if you ever get out to Japan look me up. Just FYI Lost is also doing well. we talk regularly. I miss talking to you, I'll have to check in on you more often.
Take care Mike
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
(((Kassie))) THank you for stopping by and for your support. It means a lot. You are right, all I can be is calm and respectful I cannot control him reactions but I can control myself.
(((Mike))) Wow, thank you for checking in on me, I am really touched. Do you know, I may well hold you to the Japan trip! I am planning to do loads of travelling with my new-found freedom and Japan is really high on my list.
I am really enjoying my life (apart from the h stress which pops up now and again). I am loving my job at the moment and am getting excited about my future and starting to make plans for myself which no longer scares me. I don't miss him at all anymore and feel completely detached - apart from the odd finance bullets that are sent my way!
Japan sounds so unbelievably exciting and I reckon such a big change can do you the power of good. I'm so pleased to hear about Lost - I miss talking to you guys. Are either of you on the dreaded FB? If so maybe we can find a way to get in contact if you like...
How are things with your w? So great to hear from you. Say hi to Lost from me too! Jx
Well, it has been a busy (I wrote busty then but that would be a whole different thing! ) week. Work has been great and I feel like i have made personal progress in confidence and not being afraid to stick up for myself and push my point.
I emailed h a friendly upbeat email because when we met we had talked about work and he had offered to get in contact with someone that may be able to help with an aspect of work. He replied straight away.
Hi, hope you're ok. I've had a frenetic week so I'm thrilled it's nearly over. I've also applied for a couple of jobs - (which he then described). Fingers crossed, I really think I need to get out of here.
I have dropped X a line but he has been in X recently working for X on the launch of an X. I will send him another email before I leave today and ask if he can get in touch with you, at least by email, to explore things. Sounds really frustrating the way they aren't exploiting this opportunity. While you're waiting you should just carry on pushing the issue yourself, you know what you're talking about! I'm also still trying to get details of that media training, I'll keep you posted!
Let me know if you do find that music. Also I got a letter in the post yesterday from the solicitors with a fairly lengthy application form for the conveyancing. I'm happy to fill most of it out myself, however there are some things which we are going to need to discuss - for example, furniture/fixtures/fittings included in the sale or potentially included. Also the form asks how the proceeds of the sale are going to be split. This is a bit of a delicate subject, for me anyway, so maybe it would be best if we met up next week sometime to discuss it? Let me know what you think.
Hope Maple is okay.
H.
So the bit highlighted in red made my heart sink. Ugh! I've got to have that conversation. Of course it made my head explode with possibilities (mainly of the negative nature!) but I am stopping myself. I want no more out of this house than i am entitled - i.e. half. That is what I am entitled to by law so I will accept nothing less. Of course I will go into the meeting with an open mind but clear boundaries about where my empathy ends.
So, the positives/ goal achievements - the email is nice, opens up to me about his jobs (something we used to bond over when together), he replied straight away, he is encouraging me and showing that he thinks I am strong and capable. He also has actioned some of the things he promised to do for me when we met for a meal. I love learning the point from DBing that if you have said it he has heard, before I would have nagged!
Distraction is going to have to be employed and a large order of stop signs to not make me dwell on what he is going to say. Must not assume but that does not mean that I can't be prepared. Plus look ultra hot for the meeting - I have a fab new dress. Seriously, it's like waiting for exam results though - he obviously does not think about the impact of his words. Why do I find that surprising?
I just wanted to let you know that I've been reading along this whole time. I am so proud of how you are handling everything!!!! I'm glad about the positives in his email, sad about the negatives.
Can I tell you something weird though? I actually had to double-check the end of the email to make sure it wasn't something you had written. The part highlighted in red sounded to me like something you might have said yourself to H if you got the same paperwork. Does this make any sense? I think it's actually good that he is initiating a meeting to discuss this stuff because in the past you've had to bring up all the delicate financial topics. It's also good that he is having to face the consequences of his own actions instead of facing them via you. I hope this isn't offensive, I actually thought it was positive!
Do you have any reason to think he would try to make you get less than half?
Yay for Japan! I am excited to hear more about your plans. I haven't "really" been to Japan--only in the airport on the way to Indonesia. But the airport is totally posh--I actually took a shower there (which was amazing after being in transit for 12 hours already) on the way over, and on the way back I fully utilized their completely flat public sleeping area. !!!
Lovely to 'see' you :). I had thought of that too after some deliberation. I jump to the negative conclusions straight away because I have a fear that he will not be fair in this. The reason not to go 50/50 is that his Dad gave him most of the money for this house therefore he may think he has more right to it than I. Before we were married and lived in a flat together we had a legal agreement stating this. However since the split I have sort legal advice and this agreement is now null - by law I am entitled to 50%. He could contest this though if he wanted. Those are my fears and why my reaction was such.
I suppose i have no idea what he will say, so long as I know my legal rights that is the best I can do.
Quote:
It's also good that he is having to face the consequences of his own actions instead of facing them via you.
This is a really good point. I'm not having to be the parent which is so good!
Japan airport sounds so cool I do totally want to go there! Hope you are ok xxx
First of all, I agree with T, and read it as positive..and I totally agree with this - "I actually had to double-check the end of the email to make sure it wasn't something you had written. The part highlighted in red sounded to me like something you might have said yourself to H if you got the same paperwork." - that was my reaction too!
I thought it was interesting that he was offering to meet you to discuss it, as he doesnt have to do that, you could sort it out by email or phone?? I agree, look hot for the meeting, if only for your pride!
Secondly.. I dont know about 50/50 money thing. You loved this guy enough to marry him, theres no way if I were in your shoes that I would take more than was morally mine, especially if his Dad gave him the money. I know you are M and legally, its your right, but you're still young, you werent M a lot of years and there arent any dependants, so under those conditions, IMHO, I would take only what I contributed to the house. I'm only saying this, as a different POV, to avoid the stress or an argument with him and I hope you dont mind me putting this alternative view across! But.. I would take the compassionate, moral view, not the legal one, despite the fact that he left the M for an OW. Just MHO! I'm too soft though hey.
You know legally, I am entitled to half my ex's house, we own it jointly and that currently equates to 50K equity to me.. but theres no way I would ask for a penny, as it was his Dads house (but I slaved my guts out for 5 months PM the renovations on it!!! So like, its not like I didnt earn it either! )
I thought his email was much warmer than previous ones and who knows hey, maybe all is not so rosey chez OW!??
Had a rough week myself, but I can't imagine how you feel. Putting the details aside - the legal stuff aside - the hardest part of ending any R is wondering how the positive feelings we started with can turn into a nightmare. We trust in someone else who we think will always be there, make decisions that we think we will see the fruit of in years to come and just that things will turn out so differently. You have been strong, I can read that,but I just wanted to acknowledge your fears and betrayal. No wisdom here, just plain old validation. I think we can easily get caught up in the details and forget what we really want. We react rather than think. I know you feel unprotected in more ways than one - what do you really need to keep yourself feeling safe? Think about it before talking and making decisions.
) week. Work has been great and I feel like i have made personal progress in confidence and not being afraid to stick up for myself and push my point.
I do totally want to go there! Hope you are ok xxx
)