I guess ultimately I need to make a choice and right now I have chosen not to give up something. I'm on a hold of sorts until I chose to move on.
This is the same place that we all were in when our spouses first decided to check out.
Remember the hard work and pain involved in finally letting go?
I've been in your shoes to a certain extent. When I told Debra that we could no longer be in contact with each other, because she needed to give her husband a legitimate effort if he was really willing, it was very hard. But I promised her that I would not be sitting around the house feeling sorry for myself in the weeks that followed.
Well the truth is, there was quite a bit of that. I never contacted her though, I kept my word on that end. I did however have semi-regular contact with her daughter, so at least I had some idea what was going on with her life. It's an odd and uncomfortable position to be in again, especially so soon after being divorced.
I made plans Woog. You sound like a guy who does not lack for interesting things to do with your time. So fill it with some of those kinds of things.
I do know this.
Life spent waiting is a waste. No matter how wonderful that thing might be that you think you're waiting for. And none of us are getting any younger.
I want to close with a comment about your wife. I do believe that you should give some thought to what Ali said in her post.
Quote:
She is circling, maybe she has got whatever it was she needed to do in leaving you, out of her system and is missing what she once wanted to run from.. yet you cant 'see' her.
You very well may have blinders on Woog. Keep in mind that emotionally you are done with this woman. Your heart moved on. My guess is that there is at least a small part of you that would not WANT what Ali suggests about your wife to be true.
I really liked the conversation she suggested. I see no harm in it. And yes, I understand she has only the 1 room apartment, but at some point she will have to find a way to have a life with the kids on her own turf. As I mentioned to you before, what will happen when there IS a significant other in your life at some point? I can guarantee you that Debra would not have been thrilled to have my ex come and spend time at the house after we began our relationship.
You're a good guy and I'm still just naive enough to believe that good guys do NOT finish last.
Find the positives.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
I want something I cannot have. I can't accept that for reasons I can't get into. That frustrates me a great deal.
I don't want my ex back. I'm serious about that. I know myself too well and I know that I'm not capable of loving her the same way ever again after everything. I can forgive, but I'll never forget.
But that doesn't matter, because I am completely sure that she doesn't want me back either. She is involving Nick with my kids more and more. She is becoming more involved with his life and his family. And you know what?... She is happy. And I'm happy for her. She wasn't happy for a long time with me. I didn't see it or want to see it, but she is now a different person.
So am I. I'm a very different person. Funny how that works.
If and when I have a significant other than the conversation will need to occur and I feel that she will be fine with it. But until then it seems unnecessary. I don't think I'll be seeing anyone seriously for quite a long while.
You are in the same boat as alot of us Woog.. wanting something we cant have, feeling lonely, tired, missing what could have been. I do relate to how you feel and how frustrating it is.
I envy you a bit in knowing you dont want your ex back at least! But we are all in a state of flux and loss and wanting that elusive something more, to get back to a state of happiness. And all the distractions in the world (if we could motivate ourselves to be distracted) dont make a difference. Yes, it is funny how life turns out.
Unfortunately, as my very experienced and well educated psychotherapist told me.. its just time.
My Mum told me that! Grr. We are stuck right now, but however things shake out, it wont be this bad forever (although some reports suggest it wont really be alright, until Saturn gets off Uranus, and Jupiter moves into Pisces...by late 2009, even early 2010!) But feel free to ignore me, as that is a little discouraging.
Hey Ali..(sorry to hijack Woog)...apparently us Geminis won't have to wait that long! You may have created a monster!
It is nice that you (Woog) seem happy that your ex is happy. I am sure vitamin C has alot to do with your ability to turn the page. Unfortunatelly, you just traded your ex for someone else in the want but can not get (at this time) dept. So I wonder if there actually is a difference...what is more discouraging?
