...so...where was I? Oh...yes...separated, living alone at home, missing my kids a lot when they're not with me, detached from my wife and aware that we can't be together if she's not willing to work on her, looking for work, planning for a trip to see family over the holidays, feeling the pangs of heartache every now and then...
I went out with a friend from college last night. He is separating from his wife - and the last time I talked with him it was a given that their marriage would end soon thereafter...last night, however, when we talked, I heard him use the word if a lot - which really surprised me. He was so very determined to leave their marriage just a month ago - yet last night he was saying "if" their marriage ends after their separation...so it is a trial separation to him as well...though he still feels like things can't necessarily be repaired.
Talking with him made me wonder a lot about "if's" and "certainty" and I found myself feeling more and more like certainty is mostly a shield from the challenge of living with ifs...which is to say that sometimes we make seemingly final decisions to keep us from having to tackle the questions behind the "ifs." For instance - when my wife moved out, she did so with a certainty that we had to be apart, that I was a bad husband to her, and that we were harmful to one another - her certainty kept her (and perhaps keeps her) from having to look at the "ifs" of her life and our life together - if she had been abused, how would that affect her now? If I am not the man she says I am, who am I? If her anger comes from her more than from me, why does she have so much anger?
Sometimes I hold out hope for my W (and us), just because there isn't an OM, she doesn't drink or do drugs, and she hasn't said anything about a divorce since she left. I know that the book she had been using as her bible - "Why Does He Do That" - says something about moving out as a test of the abusive husband - to see if he'll give the abused wife the space she needs - and to see if he can change - and if she still wants to be in the relationship - so what she's doing is still consistent with that book...
That said...I am growing apart from her through this separation - along with being detached - this space if giving me plenty of space and time to see not just what I did wrong in the relationship - but also how she affected me and my S11. She's not a bad person - in fact, she's a wonderful, talented, beautiful person - and she's very easy to fall in love with - what makes her hard to be with is her constant and unpredictable anger...it's weird...her family (i.e. her father and her sister) used to talk with me about my W's anger - this was years ago when we first started seeing one another - and they would ask me how I dealt with it. I more or less ignored the questions, thinking that her father was most likely the cause of the anger he blamed on his daughter (a patterns repeats) and that her sister just had the regular sibling issues with my W (then my GF).
But there has been anger there a lot over the years - I think it just got worse after our baby was born - and it happened to coincide with an attitude shift in me, in which I started to build up resentment toward her - and my resentment would eventually build up into my own anger.
Okay...I'm just clearing my head here...since in the back of my head is really the question of what do I want...and my answer is that I want to be with my Wife. Despite what we're going through, I love her very much. BUT I also know that I cannot be in a healthy relationship with her if she will not address her anger and her pain...and so, if we move on and divorce, I can accept that, since it would only mean that we could not find a way to be healthy together - and if we move on and reconcile, it would have to be with a serious understanding of the work we have to do, both as individuals and as a couple.
We're all going to my S2's Christmas pageant on Friday afternoon - not together - but we'll certainly see each other there. I'll have my S11 with me too. We haven't been in a social setting together in a long time - and when we are she always puts on the performance of everything being fine between us...so I am curious to see how she'll deal with this Friday...
BobbiJo is correct as you've been able to do some wonderful things. Now keep going and you'll continue to grow. Lean on us here and keep journaling, venting, and asking. We'll make sure to at least get you to look before you leap.
One of the things I've found helpful - unfortunately by first not adhering to what I'm going to tell you - is to wait and be patient before you fire off what first hits your gut.
Let me explain. I've been too guilty over the past almost-year of going through the D w/my XW of replying IMMEDIATELY to her any time she's contacted me - both good and bad.
At times, I'd post questions here for insight and input and if I didn't get "community help" quickly enough, I'd fire off something to XW out of some inner "need" to see if she'd respond right back or something.
Anyway, I'm sure you can guess that this only got me into trouble, so I've learned the hard way to slow way, way down and respond usually the next day. By doing this, I was able to not only see things so much more clearly, but I was able to give all the people here in this wonderful community some real time to think about my sitch and respond. In the end, being patient and not flying to reply to XW has served me very, very well.
On another front, you wrote:
Quote:
My tendency is to be open and straightforward - a friend of mine thinks I'm honest to a fault
I'm like this too and I think DBing is teaching me a valuable life-lesson that I shouldn't be such an open book all the time. It is taken advantage of by some unfortunately. Also in the case of your W, you can reveal NOTHING that doesn't relate exclusively to your S2. PERIOD! Be firm w/this. It is done not only for your protection, but if you are ever going to have a true shot at reconciliation, you've got to do this as well.
Finally, I'd love it if you went back into the classroom if you miss it. We have such poor teachers in our schools and so many of our kids are taught by teachers who lack passion for learning and a true love of their job. If you can be one of those teachers who loves what they do, the difference you can make is unbelieveable. Especially since you are a male and would be able to provide a strong, healthy, confident role model for these kids who quite often are lacking any strong adult influence in their lives.
I would like to give you something to think about that is related to the theme of your last post. I think about this frequently and it often brings me at least a measure of peace. It is to do with living with uncertainty and how difficult that is to do with regard to our love relationships (or any friendship or family relationship about which we care a great deal).
Have you ever stopped to notice that we all live with all manner of uncertainty everyday and we barely even notice it, if at all? For example, we never know when we will die. This could happen every day. We live with this uncertainty daily but it is easy to live with because it is not something anyone wants to consider, so we typically do not think about this.
If we are honest, there was uncertainty in the permanence of our relationships when everything was going well. Again that uncertainty was easy to live with because we did not give it any attention.
I believe that the uncertainty of the outcome of the strife in our relationships is so unbearable because we are forced to look at it every day. This is true whether the spouse has moved out or not.
What comforts me, is reminding myself that the uncertainty was always there; it is not new demon. As such, it is a demon we know how to defeat. It is defeated by not giving it our attention. That is why GAL works so well. Distraction, intellectual occupation, physical exertion all take our focus elsewhere.
So, when it creeps back out of the basement, I just remind myself, better a devil I know...
Wow...a lot to think about tonight...lovely. BBJ - thanks for swinging by and offering your encouraging words. I know you're going through a very tough time, so having you step over and help lift me up a bit is very moving.
Rob - It's like you're reading my mind sometimes...I think my big, big mistake in this whole thing has been my impatient need to say what's on my mind...and not waiting long enough with stuff and getting some much needed feedback from my friends here first. If I had sent that letter/email to my W it would have backfired in a big way - I see that now. Sometimes, as someone who makes a living with words, I still get this delusional idea that I can put together the right words to unlock the mystery of her pain and her love - but that's just a delusion - and it can't get me anywhere...I do have to pull back more - and just let my actions speak as best they can - and let my silence be golden.
"I'm like this too and I think DBing is teaching me a valuable life-lesson that I shouldn't be such an open book all the time. It is taken advantage of by some unfortunately. Also in the case of your W, you can reveal NOTHING that doesn't relate exclusively to your S2. PERIOD! Be firm w/this. It is done not only for your protection, but if you are ever going to have a true shot at reconciliation, you've got to do this as well."
I sent this quote to my PDA so I can read it and remind myself of it every day. Even today - as I was driving around - I had thought about sending my wife a note about some stuff not related to our baby or finances...but I read your caveat first - and so that note wasn't even written...
I reconnected with my dissertation chair today...I had talked with her just before the bomb dropped - and we were planning out a strategy for getting my PhD - and then I just had no time for it - since I buried myself in studying love, marriage, fatherhood and the meaning of being a man...But I think it's time to dust off my thinking cap and get back onto that horse...and aim for teaching again...I did teach at Berkeley for a couple years...and that was fun...but I'm thinking more and more of teaching high school instead...
Beth - Have you studied Buddhism? Until I read what you wrote I hadn't even thought about the ways in which Buddhism teaches an acceptance of death - not a fear of it - and with that comes a disarming of its uncertainty...and, my goodness, the parallels with a troubled marriage are profound.
These words are also now on my PDA:
"What comforts me, is reminding myself that the uncertainty was always there; it is not a new demon. As such, it is a demon we know how to defeat. It is defeated by not giving it our attention. That is why GAL works so well. Distraction, intellectual occupation, physical exertion all take our focus elsewhere.
So, when it creeps back out of the basement, I just remind myself, better a devil I know..."
I'm so glad you guys are there to help me.
On another note...I put up our stockings tonight...and decided to hang one for my W too. She may never see it - but it's just there because she's part of our family...just a lost member right now...
I love that you put up a stocking for your wife. I really like that you see her as a member of your family, even if she is lost at the moment. It feels like acceptance and I think that is healthy.
I am preparing a present for my H. I have no intention of giving it to him this year. I am a photographer and I make a lot of macrophotographs. (In case you do not know, macrophotography is essentially very close shots of objects through a special lens. For example, I photograph the inside of a flower or an insect on a leaf, but the printed image is very large in scale). Some of my photographs hang in our home but my H has often asked me to have one enlarged and framed for his office, and I have never done it. So I am doing it this year. It will be wrapped and waiting for the day I can give it to him, whether it is just between friends or something more.
You reminded me of that with hanging the stocking.
Beth
I meant to add that you are helping a lot of people, too, including me. Thank you.
Hi Beth, Wrapping that gift for your H and just having there at the ready sounds wonderful and very generous. It also just sounds like a beautiful gift.
A bit of journaling....
I had to contact my W at her work today to ask her if she would mind coming by early to pick up our baby tonight since I had been invited to a special screening of Gran Torino at the Writer's Guild. I didn't tell her where I was going - just that I had a commitment come up tonight - and she agreed to come by early. So, when she did come by a friend of mine was here - who had just learned today what has been going on with my M...She pulled just as I stepped into the back of the house - and I didn't hear her call my phone...by the time I walked out to the living room, my friend had opened the front door - but couldn't see anyone outside - and so I had to open the door all the way - and finally found my W standing outside...this time with the car parked under the car port (though it wasn't raining).
She looked so sad and unhealthy - it was just heartbreaking - and for a moment I thought it was just me - but then once she left my friend turned to me and said he hardly recognized my W. She didn't say hello to him - which was odd because she had always been nice to him in the past - and she barely acknowledged him when he tried to start up a quick conversation...as we drove to the screening, he told me that he just didn't think her behavior seemed normal...and that he was surprised at how cold and distant she was with me - even though I sounded so open and friendly...she even turned her back on me and kept walking away as I was trying to tell her that our S2 had bad diarrhea and that he seemed to have an upset belly...it was only when I kept talking at her back that she finally turned and acknowledged that I had said anything at all...it was so very strange...and sad...and seeing her convinced my friend that she was not the same person he had met just eight months ago...he was shocked at how much she had changed and ended up telling me about a friend of his who was diagnosed with manic depression - and just how disconnected this friend would be when in his depressed phases...it made me very sad to hear another person see my wife as so lost inside her own body...it was so strange...she actually looked almost ghost-like tonight...
Anyway...when I got home tonight I sent her a brief note just thanking her for coming by early tonight to get our baby...kept it simple and straightforward and friendly. It felt like the right thing to do....
BTW...I just wanted to add that putting up the stocking was part of a lesson I want to share with my S11...that when we love someone, and love them even through our pain and sadness - and always want the best for them...even if it isn't clear that they want the best for us...I know, from many things my S11 has told me, that my W hurt him and confused him over the last few years - and I know that he feels calmer and more at peace in my home without her here...but I also know that he is a child, and there many things that are still outside of his scope - and that I can still teach him some things about love that might make more sense to him later in life...
So much of the advice I get from friends is to leave my wife, start dating, move on, etc...and I think part of it is because these friends have always seen me as a strong person that they have relied on for advice over the years - and suddenly they've seen me cry or fall apart - and they've seen a vulnerability in me that makes them angry with my W...I don't have their anger, though - rather I have a lot of compassion for my W - as I know that, despite how unbearable my pain is at times, hers is worse - even if she tries to hide it from me...and so what I want my S11 to see is that when we love someone, we can love them with their flaws and with their weaknesses - and we can even love someone as we let them go...
My son doesn't know about my W's psychological issues - and I will not talk with him about my W's past - instead I talk with him about what needs to be done for us to be happy...which reminds me of something that happened in my son's last soccer game of the regular season...
During his game, the father of one of the other players started snapping at the coach about where his son should play - the boy heard the arguments - and heard his father's anger toward him - and I saw him absorb the tension - later in the game, this boy snipped at my son and actually made my son cry...my son came up to me at the sideline during a break, and I told him just to try to talk with his teammates more on the field, and to keep playing his best - and that he and his teammate had the same goal - of winning the game - and that sometimes teammates just get excited about the game and say things they don't mean...I then encouraged him to lift his head, believe in himself and smile...he did...went back out...and played beautifully...the moment after he went onto the field the coach's wife came up to me and I turned to her and said, it's a shame that other boy's father is making things so tense for the kids...to which she said, "you knew about that, but just kept your son focused on the game, not the other boy's dad?" Without even thinking about it much I said, "that's not his drama..." I just remembered that moment tonight...and realized how much it applies to the situation in my family right now too.
I think what you're teaching your children is great...you truly are a healthy parent, the greatest gift to give a child.
Thanks for the help you're giving everyone on the board. I feel like I don't have much to offer except to tell everyone that they are in my thoughts. Hopefully as I continue to stabilize after the shocks of the past few days, I'll be able to contribute more.
Carlos I really like the stocking for your W bit, and she is is just the lost member of the family. and so what I want my S11 to see is that when we love someone, we can love them with their flaws and with their weaknesses - and we can even love someone as we let them go... You are a great father. The lessons that you are teaching to your S. He will benefit from them for the rest of his life. By reading your thread, all the inputs from you, Beth, Rob plus others are really really helping me.
Keep up the good work.
NW626
Me:33 STBXW:38 S:3 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you fight the fight....!!
