whateverittakes, keep posting here...don't talk to H. Actually the more you know about the OW, the more it hurts you. The anxiety will go through the roof if you go looking and find something or talk to him about her. I've been there.
You know that there is an OW...what else do you need to know.
Also try to live in the present. It really works. The past is done so you can't do anything about it. The future is unknown and hoping for change only causes pain. If you just think about right now, things will be OK. Every time to go forward or back you will feel pain right now. Force yourself to stay in the present.
"I wouldn't file for D unless I was 100% sure about D which you don't sound; it's a difficult and painless (and $$$) process."
I agree with Karen & others on this, there have been quite a few on these boards that have pushed thru on the D only to regret it later. (Which may seem a contradiction to my recent post that I said I was ready to proceed, except I'm going to let him actually take the steps).
"He doesn't seem happy? Why not? Is it just when I have the limited contact with him? Is it me and his feelings of guilt, remorse, regret?
I want more information... against the dbing code. I want to talk to him, put the cards on the table, get it all out."
Pushing for more information will probably lead you to a place you don't want to go. He's probably not happy & feelings of guilt & regret may be aimed at the OW, who he's told is "the one", & may not be any longer.
"Getting it all out" has a big price tag that can result in no useful information. All cheaters lie, as Puppy Dog so often reminds us.
Most A's do run out of steam as a matter of course. While this is incredibly painful at this point, remember that thing's can & do change, & the more you keep out of the line of fire the better.
I'm sorry it's been a difficult day. Do anything you can to take the focus off him. It will help & get easier everyday.
I'm worried that by me starting the sep agmt I've already pushed things. But I felt I had to protect myself financially after over 9 months of separation. He's said things that make me concerned about financial issues and I wanted to get everything sorted now, before anything else in his life intensifies. I don't want to be a doormat because I have greater assets than he does.
I will try to focus on the present. Very good advice.
Please do NOT snoop or ask about OW. I speak from experience. I have details that did nothing but hurt me to the core. I think it stretched out the most painful period for me before I could turn the corner and start to detach. Not that I'm there 100%, but it is much better now. My BF works with OW so I could speculate about what's going on with them every single day or just let it go and focus on myself.
And you were right to file for separation. As my DB coach said, don't be a doormat, just keep the door open. You need to protect yourself financially. If I take away just one lesson from all this it is that I have to take care of myself because no one else will.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
i know how u feel about wanting more information about ow. and i got my information, and i cannot answer if it helped me. i have more answers to my questions but it also hurts at the same time. it makes the ow more real. which is good and bad. if i had a choice now of deciding do i want to see what she looks like? do i want to know her name and information? i think i may actually say no. some things are better left to the imagination. but only u can decide that for yourself.
as for your finances, i know how u feel when u are afraid u pushed it. but nothing can be bad if u are protecting yourself.like my friends tell me - if protecting your money or protecting yourself in any way ultimately pushes him away permantly, then he was never really going to recommit to you...
me: 31 H:29 Son:5 m:8 years in november t:10 years first bomb: 10/06 moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08 ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06 d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08 moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
