I have been following your post and I have very happy for you. I would plan a wonderful evening and make a happy memory. Why would you want to bring it up? They know what they are/have done and most of them are so ashamed that they would just like to forget. We can remember like it was an hour ago. That is something we must deal with in our own way, but the one ting to remember and to celebrate is you are going forwrd with each other and you do love each other so to remember a horrible event such as the "bomb" day would be a horrible event in itself. Think of the positives that came out of the "bomb". Fly to a place for the evening and have dinner, go to a park and have a picnic, rent a limo and have sex in it all over town. Something active, but together. I will continue to pray for you relationship. Also, do soemthing unexpected to keep him guessing.
Oh, boy, to go back to the times when my only were problems were which outfits to dress Barbie and Ken in -- sigh!!
Well, at least at the end of next week on the weekend I'll be going to a women's retreat with a lot of crazy ladies. I plan to play and play and play -- and pray (LOL).
SRC07,
Hey, I like your idea of the limo and sex all over town. That might put too much stress on the old guy, unfortunately. He's still having problems in that area occasionally. He thinks he's being "punished." I think he's gotta truck load of guilt to dump.
I feel my PMA shifting, shall I say, slightly as D-day approaches. Actually, there are two d-days one right after the next. I'm struggling to maintain a positive outlook. I don't want things to come apart next week.
I'll post more on that when I have more time. Please, everyone, keep praying for us -- and if you're not the praying kind, please keep your positive thoughts coming our way.
MATTIE!! Will definately keep the prayers going up!! Hope you have a really great week end and hope next week end at the retreat is fun and inspiring!! As for your H's talk with your mom....all you can really do is let them decide if and when the time is right and let them say whatever they feel they need to say and let them handle it. My prayers are also with your mom and dad!! Your Friend,Pat
Well, today is THE day. The bomb was dropped on me at 11:20 p.m. one year ago tonight. Ironically, I just spent 1/2 hour making reservations to spend a week in the beach town where my H's "friend" lives. Couldn't help it. It's tradition to spend spring break at that location with all our family and friends and their friends.
So far I haven't said a word about the "anniversary." I know my H certainly won't. First of all, he won't remember. Second, it's the LAST thing he'd want to bring up!! I'm not really sure yet if I'm going to mention it. Things have going so well that I'd hate to bring up all that garbage again with my H. Unfortunately, I can't seem to get it out of my head.
This past year has been a nightmare that I'm just beginning to awaken from. The things my H said and did during that time -- and the year before that -- I never thought him capable of. It's hard to imagine such a short phrase, "I've been unfaithful to you," could have the power to change lives forever. No matter how good it gets between my H and I in the future, the potential for greatness is lost. That still makes me very sad -- and sometimes angry.
So, okay, the good news is that it's been a year since the bomb and we are making it. We're still together after all the horrible things that have been said and done. But, not JUST together. We're rebuilding a much better, much more solid R than the old one. My H is getting the help he needs to understand what happened to him. We are getting taking care of each other so much better these days. We are starting to feel bits and pieces of that elusive "peace" we've both been looking for.
Come to think about it, I'm wondering if maybe my H does remember the significance of this date, or at least around this time of year. I have noticed for the last 3-4 days he's been especially loving towards me and has wanted me close by all the time. Maybe it's in his subconscious.
I thought today would be a day of turmoil for me. It's not (so far ). I'm reflecting on the fact that we must really and truely love each other very much in order to have been able to survive this catastrophy. My H still has a long way to go. He still struggles with humiliation and self-hatred. I think there's a part of him that can't believe I'd stay with him after all he's done. I think he's still a little afraid. Well, actually, he did say the other day that he was afraid of me. I asked him why. He said he wasn't sure why. I suspect he's still afraid I'll leave him.
We spent an hour with my mom on Saturday morning. That was really hard for H to do. He loves my parents almost as much as he loves his own. My mom handled herself well. She told him how angry she had been in the beginning, but she's had a couple of months to cool off. She told him she expected to see a monster walk through the door that morning and, yet, it was only her beloved SIL. He didn't LOOK any different. She told him she would support me (Mattie) in any decision I made. My H appologized to her several times. Told her it was never going to happen again; that he was going to continue in counseling to try to figure out why he did those things. When we left, they hugged.
I spoke to my mom the next day. She thought he seemed really humbled and, indeed, very sorry for the pain he's caused so many people.
She also told my H that she felt he had gotten off too easy; that I should've kicked him out and made him earn his way back home. I've wondered about that myself sometimes -- especially after the second bomb this past summer. I asked my H what he thought about that. He said that, of course, he was happy that I hadn't kicked him out, but he also wonders if it wouldn't have been a good idea -- but, for me, for my sense of pride or whatever. He wasn't even sure how to put it. He wonders if somewhere down the road I'll resent the fact that I didn't make it harder on him. Interesting, huh? I've wondered that myself sometimes. Oh, well. Too late for that. I did what I thought was right for my family at the time. And, by the way, I did tell him to leave that day -- many times. He stayed.
I'll keep you posted on how the day ultimately turns out.
Mattie, please read my thread. I'm goin gthrough a really difficult time with my H. right now and could use some of your insight. Were there times after the bomb nad you were working things out that he was distant and you did not feel loved by him. Ever since I found out about the contact and we had a fight adn our S heard he has not beent he same to me. He has stopped doing all the little things he was doing. I feel so alone and scared. This is so hard Mattie, I'm not sure how to deal with it. Rachael
HI MATTIE!! Sounds like you are handling the day very well! You sound like you are feeling good and able to deal with the day!! Hope the whole day and evening go the way you want it to!! It's your decision as to whether or not to mention what the day is and what it means to you. You just have to ask yourself if you do bring it up what the consequences could be and could you handle them. Your H could get very upset and hurt and cause him to have a "set back". He could get very angry. If he hadn't even thought about the XOW and what the date is,it could make him think of "her" and everything else. But if it will make you feel better somehow and help you through the day,then you should do it. I could tell you what I would do but that is ME...you have to do what is best for YOU!! I have "anniversary dates" for a lot of things...the first time he went to "be with her" is coming up in November but that is a 2 year one so it shouldn't be as rough as the first one but I know I will remember it. Then twice in Dec. I have 2 year anniversaries of his visits to her and then one more 2 year one coming up in Feb (that's a real tough one because it was a week before Valentine's day and 2 weeks before our wedding anniversary !!)I will not mention to my H that I even remember the dates and to be honest I really don't think he will even think about it after all this time. I really and truly hope that eventually theses dates will fade completely away!! Do you think that can happen? Am I a real "NUT CASE" for even remembering those dates? I think that possibly I will always remember the date I discovered the infidelity and the date that I discovered he was still emailing her but hopefully the other odd dates will go away!! I have had you on my mind today because I remembered this date was coming up! I wish you the very best!! Let us know how the rest of the day goes!! Pat
If you're a "nut case" for remembering all those dates, then I'm right there with you. I've always been that way. Unfortunately, I've been blessed (cursed!) with an excellent memory. I know way too many details about my H's infidelity (s) and, therefore, have may dates to contend with. I'm sure many will be non-issues eventually, but I think October 1st will burn in my memory forever.
This is my first time posting, although I've been at this site for a couple of months now.n My H of 18 years told me 3 months ago that he had an affair which ended 3 months prior to that. He said he told me because he felt such guilt, remorse, shame, and that he felt if he told me he would never do it again. We started seeing a great therapist 4 days later. The therapist told him to tell me everything I wanted to know because if I found out something he had withheld from me, the we would be starting over from ground zero on the trust issue. A couple of days later he told me he had an affair much earlier in our marrige, about 13-14 years ago - not emotional, just physical. The latest one was both emotional and physical. He says he felt I didn't love me. He felt alone, unwanted, etc. I have to admit that was proably the case for the last few years. However, at the time he started this recent affair we had started a real reconnection in our marriage. I won't go in to all the details, but it was really wonderful. Then to find out that during this time he was having a relationship with the OW was totally devastating. The OW apparently said all the right things that made him feel like a man! Wow, what was I doing and saying? At that very time he told me I had saved his life and that he had fallen in love with me all over again. How do I ever believe anything he says again? There is no question that he wants our M to work. There is no question that he feels horrible about what he's done. What finally brought everything to a head was that he was getting up every morning throwing up and then having severe headaches. I asked him what was wrong, he finally told me. Said he knew for 2 months he had to tell me, and that every day he felt was his last day to be with me, to live in our house, etc. Anyway, the story is very long and complicated. There is no question in my mind that I want to stay with him. The question is, how can I? The depth of hurt and pain and betrayal is incredible. So deep that the anger can only surface occasionally. I never, ever, ever thought he would do this to me. Truely. I trusted him so much. Now, I wonder, can I respect myself for trying to work on staying together when H has hurt me so deeply? Can I truely ever trust him again? Can I respect him? He does all the right things, and did right from the beginning before seeing the counselor or reading Divorce Remedy: keeps me informed of his whereabouts, going to therapist, tells me he loves me, asks my forgiveness, says he doesn't want to lose me, spends all his time with me. I can see the hurt, humiliation, shame, love, need, and want in his eyes. It's just so hard to stop obsessing about the details of the affair. Sometimes I wish I didn't know as much as I do. He told me everything, answered all my questions. He gave up all the information I wanted on the OW. That was one thing I couldn't stand, the OW knowing things about me and me not knowing her. He told me everything: phone numbers, where she works, lives, what she looks like!! Apparently he didn't tell her much about me. That's good, I think. I felt like he was trying to protect me from her, but he wasn't protecting her from me. I called her three times, just left messages. I wanted her to know that he wasn't protecting her. He had already told her to leave him alone and not call him anymore. <p>Sorry. I know I'm rambling. It's taken me awhile to get the courage to write this, and now that I've started I can't stop. It is a very long story. I have no doubt that my marriage can survive, but I need help to stop obsessing. Thanks
Yes. You needed to stop obsessing. Didn’t we all? Don’t we all?
You've been with me from the beginning. You helped me stop obsessing. And, I think I really have stopped Maybe? Hopefully? Yeah, I have.
It's difficult to go back and read what I wrote so long ago. I seemed rather naive back then. I didn't really know what the truth was at that point. I only just discovered the whole truth this past July. But, that's okay. By that time I was in a much better place to handle the truth. (Or the truth as my H saw it at the time).
Things are so much better I can hardly believe it. I wonder sometimes what would have happened if I hadn't stumbled across Michele's book in the bookstore (prebomb -- was just drawn to it for some reason), and then found this website listed in the back of the book. You and everyone else here pulled me through this crisis; made me see that there was hope. Sometimes even slapped me around a little when I needed it I feel such a strong affection for all of my "friends" here whom I've never even set eyes on. We've all come together under very stressful, painful circumstances and found a bond of friendship that might not even be shared with some of our "real life" friends.
I care so much for all of you.
Mattie
P.S. I'll be back later to post more about the "anniversary." H is home today (stayed in bed too long this morning ), so I don't want to spend too much time here. I also have work to do -- sigh.
). I'm reflecting on the fact that we must really and truely love each other very much in order to have been able to survive this catastrophy. My H still has a long way to go. He still struggles with humiliation and self-hatred. I think there's a part of him that can't believe I'd stay with him after all he's done. I think he's still a little afraid. Well, actually, he did say the other day that he was afraid of me. I asked him why. He said he wasn't sure why. I suspect he's still afraid I'll leave him. 
!!)I will not mention to my H that I even remember the dates and to be honest I really don't think he will even think about it after all this time. I really and truly hope that eventually theses dates will fade completely away!! Do you think that can happen? Am I a real "NUT CASE" for even remembering those dates? I think that possibly I will always remember the date I discovered the infidelity and the date that I discovered he was still emailing her but hopefully the other odd dates will go away!!
Maybe? Hopefully? Yeah, I have.
), so I don't want to spend too much time here. I also have work to do -- sigh.