HI MATTIE!! Back from Florida with some tan and a lot of wonderful memories!! Sounds like you had a fantastic and very romantic evening with your H in spite of your migraine. Hope you are better today!! It was really nice to get away from everything and relax and spend so much time together. It felt good to not think about the bad things from the past and focus on the moment. The first night there we took a walk on the beach after dinner,stopped at a beach bar for a drink and just talked about things we both were interested in. The last night there he found this really nice romantic restaurant. They seated us by the picture window over looking the bay. He ordered a bottle of wine and he was really romantic (he says he isn't romantic but he can be when he tries and I really let him know just how romantic I thought he was being and he looked like a little boy with a new toy and looked so pleased with himself). Aren't men something? Anyway,it was back to reality today...laundry,unpacking,etc. Not sure when we will be able to get away again but if things keep going like they are at work he'll need it again in about a month or two! We are definately planning to back to our favorite restaurant (where the XOW lives)in Feb. for our anniversary but that's a long time away so I can't think about that right now. But I am hoping that things will continue going like they are now and by then I will not even think about running into "her" By then it will be 2 years since the last time he was "with" "her" so I am thinking positive that he will no longer have a thought for "her" either!!Pleanty of time to deal with that and as they say :I'll cross that bridge when I get to it" !! Got to get going ...take care...and hope things keep moving up for you and your H!! Pat
Hi, Pat. You're sounding great!! Sounds like Florida was wonderful. I'm so happy to hear that things are continuing to go well with you and your H. You are both still in my prayers, also. I will never let up on praying for all of the wonderful people here who have helped me through the worst year of my life.
Speaking of which, on October 1st (very late into the evening and into Oct. 2nd) it will be one year since the bomb. I'm not sure how to handle it -- if, in fact, it needs to be handled. Do I just let it go and not say anything? I was thinking about asking H to stay home that day and do something special together. I'd like to try to overlay that date with something positive. I know my H won't remember the significance of that day, and he'd probably just as soon forget it. But I'm not inclined to do so. Like I said, I'd like to spend the day making happy memories to try to overlay the painful ones that are associated with that date. I've haven't mentioned it to H yet. I'm still trying to decide what to do.
Things here have been remarkably good lately. It seems like the more I DON"T do anything, the more my H DOES!!
Example: I love to dance. H doesn't -- says it's because he doesn't know how. I've mentioned we could take lessons. No, he didn't want to. The other night after he C session H said, "Hey, I see there's a new place down the street that gives dancing lessons. Maybe we should look into it." Huh? Did I hear you correctly? I just said, "Yeah, that would be fun." Didn't expect he really meant it. Yesterday he mentioned the place again, said when we drove by it Friday night it looked closed. I told him maybe at 10 p.m. on Friday night the people who would be taking lessons were out putting what they learned into practice. Then he mentioned it again on Saturday. Wow, after 20+ years of trying to get him to at least try to learn to dance he's mentioned it 3 times in a matter of days.
I know that probably doesn't sound like a big deal to most people, but if you only knew how much he really hasn't wanted to do this in the past then you'd realize what a big deal this is to me!!
And, you know what, all the little things that I've been complaining about not being there are starting to come back slowly. Like, he'll walk up to me and give me a quick kiss for no reason. Very natural -- not premeditated. He's starting to "play" again. While watching our favorite college football team on t.v. yesterday, he started throwing little things at me and making faces at me. He was just trying to get my attention and have a little fun trying to annoy me. It WAS fun. It was my REAL H shining through. Boy, have I missed that man.
So for now things seem to be continuing to get better. Since he sent the email to the EA last week I've found myself to be very much at peace. Maybe some will say it's because I was controlling and I WON that battle, but I don't think so. Over the last year if I've learned anything at all it's that I MUST listen to that little voice inside of me when it speaks. When I chose to ignore that voice is when things started to go wrong. I have reflected back over the past year and each time I felt really aggitated, angry, resentful, etc., I realize I was not listening to what was being said inside me. I was being told what to do, and I was choosing to not listen. When I did what I was supposed to do, what I was told to do, I felt at peace. And, of course, there was a reason for that. I was being given step-by-step instructions on how to save my M and my H. I was not to deviate from the plan by trying to foster my own wishes and desires.
MATTIE!! I know how happy you are that your "old" H is coming back!! It's really a good feeling when you can see the changes in them!! As for the voices in your head...LISTEN TO THEM!!! It has always worked for you and when something is working you let it!! As for what to do on the year "anniversary"....I wasn't going to mention anything about it to my H because I knew first of all he wouldn't want to talk about it and secondly I didn't know if he even remembered the date. The thing is that when I discovered the cheating he was out of town on this golf thing with the guys from the club and he goes there the same time every year so he would be gone again on the date of discovery. We were talking about his leaving on this trip the night before he was to leave and I told him I hoped he had a good trip and played well. I couldn't resist an attempt to try and see if he remembered the year before. So I said,"Hopefully this trip will be better than the last one. I know the homecoming will be happier!" He took my hand and told me that he would miss me and that he knew that things were so much better this time. He said that even though he'd be enjoying the golf,he would be looking forward to coming home to me.And he said that he KNEW that it would definately be a much happier homecoming! So he was away when D-Day hit. Even though it brought back very unhappy memories I had to say a thank you prayer that things were once again happy in our M! I also had a drink...I toasted me, toasted my H,toasted our M and our happiness and I even toasted the X-W*%&e (know that sounds strange but it wasn't a nice toast.... I told her I hoped she was miserable,I wasn't sorry in the least that she got hurt and I hoped that she hadn't tried to screw up another M since my H ended their sordid little brief fling !!) Sometimes I can be such a B*&#H !! The weird thing is that as time passes the evil thoughts I have of her have lessened. Now when I think of her I have really mixed feelings. But thankfully I don't think about her too often !! I try to really consentrate on the good things in my life and consentrate on my H and our M...the most important things!!!! Only you can decide whether or not to say anything to your H about D-Day. Like I mentioned before...listen to the inner voice. Think about what could happen if you do bring it up. He could "shut down" on you and the man you don't want back could reappear!! He could laugh it off or he could get depressed all over. It would be stupid of me to say "don't think about it" because I've been there and you won't be able to stop the thoughts from coming. Just try to stay focused on the good that has come about since and go with whatever your heart tells you to do!! I'll be thinking of you and sending up prayers that things will go smoothly!! Your Friend, Pat
Quote: Speaking of which, on October 1st (very late into the evening and into Oct. 2nd) it will be one year since the bomb. I'm not sure how to handle it -- if, in fact, it needs to be handled. Do I just let it go and not say anything?
Ask yourself, "What good will come from mentioning her?" IMHO, let the memory of OW die a forgetful death!!
Overlaying the day with new memories is a great idea...
as the egyptians once believed ... a person's soul lives on only if its not forgotten ... time to forget OW ...
MAttie-I found out last night that myH has had contact with the OW. HE says they have just TALKED a few times, but he had over a tw yr affair with him. I told him I would not share him with another woman, that he would have to give up contact with her. He never said he was sorry or anything, just got very mad becasue now the kids know. He, says I am putting them in the middle-blaming me! I don't know what to do MAttie, Rachael
Thanks, guys. I like that saying. Believe me, I really don't think much about the PA anymore. I must admit the EA is still on my mind a little. It's only been 2 months. But she is also becoming a non-issue to me, as apparently she has to my H.
I think what is happening to me is pretty normal, actually. It's like any other traumatic event in life -- the 1st aniversary of that event brings back all the pain, but with each subsequent anniversary that pain decreases.
I don't so much want to bring up the OWs next week as to perhaps touch base with my H on where WE are in our R. I also decided I just want to try and overlay the bad memories with good ones. I'm afraid if I mention the "anniversary" at all, though, it will have the opposite affect on him.
My mother has mentioned wanting to have a face-to-face with my H this weekend. We have many family events coming up soon and they will be very uncomfortable if this face-to-face doesn't take place. I think my H understands that. He was the one that said a couple of weeks ago that he should go talk with my mom. She wasn't able to at that point. She was having a bad day with my stepdad (he has Alzheimer's), and she also just found out she may be having a recurrence of breast cancer. I know my H feels bad that he can't really be there for them right now. He really loves them. He is very ashamed to have to face my mother, but he is willing to do it so that, hopefully, she won't worry too much about us for the time-being.
So, next week will be interesting if nothing else.
I plan to really listen to what my inner voice is telling me these next few days. I will know what to do when the time comes.
Anyway,it was back to reality today...laundry,unpacking,etc. Not sure when we will be able to get away again but if things keep going like they are at work he'll need it again in about a month or two! We are definately planning to back to our favorite restaurant (where the XOW lives)in Feb. for our anniversary but that's a long time away so I can't think about that right now. But I am hoping that things will continue going like they are now and by then I will not even think about running into "her" 
By then it will be 2 years since the last time he was "with" "her" so I am thinking positive that he will no longer have a thought for "her" either!!Pleanty of time to deal with that and as they say :I'll cross that bridge when I get to it" 
!!) Sometimes I can be such a B*&#H 
!! The weird thing is that as time passes the evil thoughts I have of her have lessened. Now when I think of her I have really mixed feelings. But thankfully I don't think about her too often 
!! I try to really consentrate on the good things in my life and consentrate on my H and our M...the most important things!!!!
Kaw!