I'm so sorry to hear that your H is continuing to exhibit such hurtful behavior. All of the holiday stress just gets compounded when bad behavior and lies are piled on you.
My H has been in a funk for a week -- he's a wreck because my family is flying up for the holliday, and it's the first time he's had to see them since the third bomb when he moved out. Last night he said he didn't know if he'd come over for Thanksgiving. I just told him that we'd like him to be here, but that he should do whatever he feels is necessary.
It makes me sad to think that a year ago, I looked ahead and thought that "this time next year" everything would be settled one way or another. I can't believe that here I am a year later, and even though the sitch has improved, I'm still slogging through this mess.
I hope you have something to look forward to this holiday. What are your plans?
Well, I guess I need to go work on some PMA - kind of low right now.
Thanks Davidswife. I am sorry to hear about your mess, I will post in yours right after.
I am still a little sad that he chooses to lie to me. How did you get thru this. It's been nine months and I thought we can get past all this childish deception. I'd rather he come right out and say 'I am going away with OW, I won't be around, don't make any plans on my account.' But this whole making work as an excuse thing is so demeaning, insulting and just nasty. I don't feel comfortable playing games but DB tells me to keep my cool and not talk R. If I push for honesty, then I know our R will suffer. I feel like I am stuck. Still more waiting it out, I guess. I booked an appt with my C here for next week. Maybe he can give me some good strategies. He's pro-M but I have yet seen him do anything except encourage H's personal development (which is good) but not hold him accountable for his actions (which is bad).
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
Although I'm a great believer in DB and find its advice invaluable, I'm not sure that it can apply in every single situation. You say that if you push for honesty, you know your R will suffer. Maybe you don't have to push for that honesty but I do think you have to set some boundaries for your H and stick to them. At the moment it seems as though he's walking all over you. That's not acceptable behaviour. You've accepted the fact he's spending time with the OW but I don't think you have to or should accept the lies. I'm not a C so I'm certainly not qualified to go against their advice but it seems to me that all you're being told to do is wait while he has his cake and eats it. You can keep working on you as much as you can and he may or may not take note and act on a new found love for you. I think what you need to do is either detach from your H some more (something I know you find very hard) or confront his lying. We all feel your pain here and want nothing but the best for you. I wish I had all the answers to give you or could click my fingers and make your H see sense. You sound like such a genuine, caring person and don't deserve to be treated like this. You need to find yourself though. When I say that I mean that you need to discover who you are without your H. Start to live your life like you had no H. Easier said than done I know. We all know you want to keep your M alive but the state it's in now isn't helping you. He has to believe that you can live your life quite happily without him. More appropriate though, is that you have to start to believe it too. Don't give up by any means but if you plan for the worst, you can only come out pleasantly surprised. Best of luck. I'll be thinking of you.
Me: 32, Wife: 22 Son: 2 Married: 2 years Separated: January 5th 2009
Sometimes you have to become lost before you can find yourself.
{{{PM}}}} I'm sorry that hub is choosing to spend the holiday this way and I'm sorry that you got hurt yet again my friend!! I hope you can find a way to enjoy Thanksgiving despite this..you deserve it
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
Thanks CIW. I cried when I read your words because they are so true. He is walking all over me and I am finding it hard to detach. I am still in love with my old H and can't really accept this alien who has abducted him. I don't know why I am so emotional at the moment. He has done this before and he will do it again.
I will think about your words about living a life as if I did not have H. I will try to put that into action. I don't know how yet, I have to think of some baby steps.
'I need to discover who I am without my H.' That's a BIG question. I've known him for so long now, we shared so much together and developed together. He is a part of me as I am a part of him. I think of him all the time. I dream about him at night. I am finding it very hard to expel him from my life.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
Well, it helped to detach after Bomb #3, when I through his lying, egg-sucking a$$ out of our home. After Bomb #2, when he wanted to come home, my boundary was NC w/OW. When I found he'd broken that boundary, I'd had it. At that point I went NC w/him for four months, and that only ended because of my health problems -- which seemed to make him see the light.
One of the ironic things I found about DB is that if you push for honesty, it will ruin the R. Well, I guess I decided for myself, that with no honesty, did I really have an R w/him? My answer was no.
The deceit is killer, sometimes I felt like I was dealing w/a child.
I'll say extra prayers for you -- what are your holiday plans?
I'm taking your wise advice and focusing on my parents and sis being here, and oldest daughter home from college. We haven't all been together in several years.
It concerns me that the C doesn't hold your husband accountable for his actions. What's that about??
{{Davidswife}} You are so lucky to have family in town. I don't have anyone so it will be a quiet one for us. Now I know why some people don't like the holidays. It's the expectations and the fact that you miss your spouse like heck and nothing you can do.
Yes, I feel like I am dealing with a child and the deceit won't stop hurting eventhough I am expecting it and it comes anyway. I thought I could handle the no honesty because I am trying not to have any expectations. The fact is, I didn't ask him why he was not going to be here. He lied outright. I never question him anymore (not for months) but he just likes to lie anyway. I think it makes it easy for him to get away from us if he doesn't have to tell me the truth or admit to himself in words that he is seeing OW. He just doesn't want to deal with consequences at the moment.
Feeling much better today because I got measured at the gym and has shrunk again, big boost to my ego. Bodyfat down below 26%, a HUGH deal for me who has always been a little heavy. I know I am also getting fitter and can do more. Also the adrenalin rush is good for the mood.
Had a full day's work to take my mind off H. Trying very hard not to think about him and his lying ways. Had sleeping problems last night but maybe it's a good thing I don't see him because I don't want to be reminded that he is a lying, no good person.
Will try to catch up with friends this weekend to make the weekend a bit more special and different for the kids.
I know about the C, my C is saying, let's just ride it out and then see what happens. I will see him next week and talk. Don't know what other C's do so can't compare if he is helping the situation or not. What does everyone else's C's do?
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
My thread locked so I brought your post with me :-) Hope I can help.
Originally Posted By: PositivelyMommy
Kakatal, I know what you mean about not wanting your spouse back if she is not willing to face her own issues. My H is the same way, very much in his own world. Can't see beyond his own needs and I wouldn't want him back the way he is now anyway.
Everyone says there's no guarantee that they will 'snap out of it' but we can only hope, right? I would like to ask what you are doing to move on emotionally from her and detach. I need some advice that way and you seem to be doing so well.
My thread is in Infidelity - PM thread #2 if you want to visit. Any/all advice is hugely appreciated :-)
So what am I doing to detach? To be honest it is a daily struggle. I have to see her twice a day when she arrives at my house to either pick up kids or stay there to watch them & then when I return from work. Depending on the day I have some anxiety over just seeing her. Been working on taking a break on way home to just decompress, clear my mind & find my inner peace.
I love her but I do not need her anymore. I was very dependent on my w to make me happy since I was never truly happy with myself. Read my 1st thread to get a perspective on that. I'd say best thing for yourself is to do as everyone says, work on you. I had behaviors that once I was aware of them & their impact on others, I was truly ashamed of how I had acted. Read books on anger, marriage & relationships, found this website & many others.
I feel that I have found myself in all of this. I am so much more relaxed, less stressed, more fun to be around so say my co-workers. Feel I have been given a 2nd chance at my life to become the man I was meant to be. My kids are benefiting tremendously from it & they have helped me understand what unconditional love is all about.
All this is bittersweet since the one person I had wanted to share this with is leaving me. But that is her choice, she has a right to make that choice. It is my choice in how I want to deal with it. I can be angry or I can just accept it. I have put myself in her shoes to try to understand what she has been through which has helped to quell some of the questions for which there is no answer at this time; the why me stuff, why can't you try, etc.
Whenever I start getting sad I just think of how much of a better person I have become. I don't hate my w, not angry with her but I have told her & she knows that I am truly disappointed in her. She choose to not talk to me about things, choose to find someone else & choose to have an A. But how I react to those choices is My choice & I refuse to choose to be a victim.
If you read my post from today you will see that I am riding the coaster - feel like kicking her to the curb. It is a struggle but if you focus on the positives you have gotten out of this it does help offset the pain.
Me/W 39/37 T/M 9/6 S 4, D 2 Bomb 7/17/08 OM confirmed 7/23/08 D Filed 7/25/08 D served 9/17/08
Yes, I feel like I am dealing with a child and the deceit won't stop hurting even though I am expecting it and it comes anyway. I thought I could handle the no honesty because I am trying not to have any expectations. The fact is, I didn't ask him why he was not going to be here. He lied outright. I never question him anymore (not for months) but he just likes to lie anyway. I think it makes it easy for him to get away from us if he doesn't have to tell me the truth or admit to himself in words that he is seeing OW. He just doesn't want to deal with consequences at the moment.
What I finally figured out in my sitch is that the reason my w lies to me is that for her it is the easiest way for her to handle the situation with me. She knows she can't be honest with me due to the realization that the truth would hurt me. She says she does not like to see me hurting & realizes that she is the cause of that pain. So I figure for her, she doesn't want to cause any more pain & it is just easier to lie. Put yourself in you H shoes & see if this makes sense.
Originally Posted By: PositivelyMommy
Feeling much better today because I got measured at the gym and has shrunk again, big boost to my ego. Bodyfat down below 26%, a HUGH deal for me who has always been a little heavy. I know I am also getting fitter and can do more. Also the adrenalin rush is good for the mood.
Kudos to a great job! Nothing better than to start to feel in shape! I bought P90x after watching an infomercial & talked with my brother who had done the program. Having all those endorphins running through the body is the best PMA boost you can get!
Originally Posted By: PositivelyMommy
Had a full day's work to take my mind off H. Trying very hard not to think about him and his lying ways. Had sleeping problems last night but maybe it's a good thing I don't see him because I don't want to be reminded that he is a lying, no good person.
I work out right before I got to bed in order to tire my body & not allow my mind to start it's games when I am trying to sleep. Read above about the lying.
Originally Posted By: PositivelyMommy
Will try to catch up with friends this weekend to make the weekend a bit more special and different for the kids.
Do something unexpected with your kids, make this Thanksgiving one that will stick out in their minds in a positive way because mom took us here or mom did this with us
Originally Posted By: PositivelyMommy
I know about the C, my C is saying, let's just ride it out and then see what happens. I will see him next week and talk. Don't know what other C's do so can't compare if he is helping the situation or not. What does everyone else's C's do?
If you do not feel you are making any progress with your C just bring that up at your next session. I haven't been to MC, just IC for my own issues.
when I get time I'll go back & read your threads.
Me/W 39/37 T/M 9/6 S 4, D 2 Bomb 7/17/08 OM confirmed 7/23/08 D Filed 7/25/08 D served 9/17/08
OK I'm with several who have commented... You have given me my 2x4 and now it is my turn.
YES you are letting your H run all over you... Please honey have enough respect for yourself to set boundries and especially for the kids... I know we can't make our H's do anything but we can ask them.
I learned pretty quick from several best friends who came from Divorced parents and once the Dad's left, there mom's didn't hold them accountable, and they cry to this day because they have never had the relationship with their fathers... one thing they said to me, set the standard now with my H and make him accountable. example, could you pick up kids at school today, practice is at 7pm, teacher conference could you be there, when would you like to see your kids for thanksgiving?, this is what we are doing so anytime after this works great for them...
Unfortuately some men will take the easy way out or will not ask for time with the kids but will usually be there if it is asked of them. I went through this b/c my H was Dad of the year.. I thought there is no way I'm going to need to ask him to do anything with his kids... he adores them... WRONG ... b/c they are in selfish land they need a little kick in the butt!!! the weeks I asked nothing of him - not to pick up kids, etc... he offered NOTHING... but when I ask for the most part I get... and my D4 doesn't cry every day when she see's her daddy more... it is a win win for both of them.
How do you and H handle the kids now?? Refresh my memory.. does he get them on the weekends? ( I think you told me he doesn't)
I agree we can not make them do anything but we can ask them, maybe say lets set a schedule for the kids when you'll be with them and when I will. My H and I had to do this too and I find weeks we don't have a plan is when I get disappointed too.... It literally took me until a few weeks ago that my H was not going to be dependable all the time unless I set the stage... I was resentful too... I didn't want to have to ask him to see his own kids... now your H could say no but I bet he'd step up and that would bring him back to reality...
Second, they do lie in order to not hurt our feelings... my H does this as well... they must think we are stupid .... don't take this personally.
Talking about our kids, what is best for them, schedules for you guys is NOT talking about you and him and is not R talk... If you guys were to end up D courts the lawyers and courts would tell him when he sees the kids .. he might as well start living reality as he is on vacation right now having NO responsiblity.
You have been with your H a long long time,,, I can't imagine how I would feel... I am miserable some days and I've only known my H 10yrs and it seems forever. Go back to that young girl that H fell in love with... is there something about her you love and have lost... find her again. LOVE yourself... you are wonderful and deserve the best.
One the C note,,, my C tells me that anything that comes from my heart or my feelings is ok to share with H.. (not begging, or crying) just don't ask him his thoughts or feelings or about OW... So when I shared how him telling me about his trip this weekend with OW how that hurt me he said he honestly didn't know (I'm thinking are you stupid) this was me stating my boundries that I don't want to know what he is doing with OW.
Also I think I've be DBing it so good and acting happy and "as if" that he probably thought -great she is fine with this and moving on... but I got my H to open up that he has cried and is sad too... My C is a MC and solution based and works off Michelles DB and DR books too... so we do talk about 180's etc...
Anyhow, I want you to re-read your post to me... and start telling yourself the same thing.. you are wonderful person, great mom, you didn't ask for this, you don't deserve this, this is all about your H and what he is searching for and looking outside himself for happiness. I'm sooo sorry you will be by yourself tomorrow... I will be thinking of you... please know I'm only sharing my thoughts with you and don't intend for them to be too harsh...
HUGS>>> xoxo
Me: 38/H:40 M:7yrs TG: 10yrs 2Girls: 4yr & 7 month old Bomb 8/22/08 OW/EA/PA 8/23/08 with 25yr old Moved out 9/22/08
