I move toward divorce every day. I cannot take this misery much longer. My hesitation is because I have two children, both teens. We have been living, peacefully, like strangers in the house for almost a year but I am not sure how long this will last. If you knew then what you know now, what advice would you give me? I have a good job and good credit. We do not have much in savings but I do have my own checking account that I put money in from my second job. We have paid 15 years on our 30 year mortgage. I own my car. We have lots of credit card bills, mostly from his mid life crisis. Right now, I feel like I would rather live alone than live with him and be lonely.
Last edited by Kelly23; 11/12/0804:11 AM.
M:38 H:42 T:20 M:19 D:18 S:17 MLC: Sometime in 2007 OW Bomb 1: 12/28/07 OW Online relationship 2: Spring 2009 Told him I wanted D: May 10, 2009 D final: 07/09/11
first off in the tradition of this forum..I'll have a beer..A landshark to be exact..
if I knew then what I know now after having been through 2 D's...well I may not have gotten married either time..LOL Just kidding..
So are you done?? That's my question for you. Only you know when you are done. I think you'll get different kinds of advice based on whether you are still in it, or done..
As long as your kids don't mind shelping between parents.... or perhaps you can let the boy live with dad since teenage boys do better with a male parent in the home.
Chances are, even after the D you will still be lonely. Don't assume that will change your loneliness. In fact, it will probably get worse because sometimes your kids will be with their dad. And, if you decide to date again, boyfriends, over time, tend to come and go...
But I can understand your frustration, sadness and anger.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
If I knew then... I would have done what I did. I took the high road, protected myself legally, tried really hard to save my marriage, took the best care I could of myself, and did what I had to do when he filed. Other people go on for years in your sitch, I do not know how they survive but they do. I have seen it turn around too. Take care Wonder
Chances are, even after the D you will still be lonely. Don't assume that will change your loneliness. In fact, it will probably get worse because sometimes your kids will be with their dad. And, if you decide to date again, boyfriends, over time, tend to come and go...
Oh so true... I know at one point I felt like divorce would bring a true sense of relief and closure, but it definitely doesn't come quickly. If you read enough threads on this particular board you'll see that first hand. My advice would be to do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING you can in order to try to save the marriage before you step onto the definite path of divorce.
From my own experience, I would have to say that you will know when you've had absolutely enough and divorce is the best option. Just go into it knowing that it will get tougher before it gets easier. You're in the right spot to gather help and advice in weighing on that decision. And if you are so inclined, prayer is a great thing for helping to make the decision.
Am I done? I want to be but if I were really done, I guess I would not be worried about the kids and would kick him out. I am totally disconnected from him and basically do not even like him. We do not fight and argue. He has just become a selfish, lazy, thoughtless jerk. We have talked, went to counseling for six months, and I journaled my thoughts for 2 months and then gave them to him to read so he could understand how I was feeling. Nothing changed.
I cannot stand being married to someone I do not respect or like. I just want to be alone. I want out.
I do wonder about it getting worse before it gets better. I am not sure why I am staying married anymore except for not wanting change.
And Steve, you are in TN too? I am also, northern middle. I keep thinking I will wake up one day and know it is the day I am telling him to get out. But I keep putting it off. I hate being weak.
Last edited by Kelly23; 11/13/0801:45 AM.
M:38 H:42 T:20 M:19 D:18 S:17 MLC: Sometime in 2007 OW Bomb 1: 12/28/07 OW Online relationship 2: Spring 2009 Told him I wanted D: May 10, 2009 D final: 07/09/11
I know what you mean about feeling weak and afraid to take a step, so here is what I did. I started taking small steps towards putting myself into a position where I could "pull the trigger". First, I opened a PO box so that I could open a new individual bank account. Second, I opened the account. Then I started putting extra money into that account. I started looking around for places where I could move. Then... THE night happened and I knew that I could take no more. Next day I identified the place I was going to go. Day after that I signed a lease on that place and changed the direct deposit destination of my salary. Next came moving my stuff w/o letting the kids know, then SEP talk with kids, then actually moving out. Months later came Divorce...
With each step I gained confidence. The first few steps weren't big and didn't put me into a position where I couldn't change my mind. However, once I knew, the effort required to bring about the big change wasn't that big as I had already laid the ground work.
Kelley..I am from Upper Northeast Tennessee..the Tri-Cities area..Kingsport to be exact. I'll tell you what I did..The bomb was dropped on me, I came here for support. Attempted to save my M. Immediately started MC and IC..once I knew that there was no chance for the M, I immediately came up with a plan to make myself feel safe and know that I would be OK..My immediate family helped me tremendously. I found a place to stay and went to work on that place over the summer renovating it and making it livable..having a plan in place saved me I'm convinced and made things so much easier and less stressful on me..
1. Come up with a plan if you are truly done. 2. when you are ready put the plan in place. 3. Have the guts to go forward with that plan no matter what..
