After 5 long months of not knowing the truth, finally pictures came out and my W was seen at OM's place.
This is the first A my wife has had... so deep down I do want to forgive. However, it scares me that she could be MIL, Jr. and MIL has had multiple affiars (that I know about - there could be more).
How you you approach this situation. Obviously you don't know if someone is a habitual cheater unless you give them another chance... right?
At this point it doesn't really matter because she is still "in love." But this just may be the beginning of the end as the A is now out in the open and the "fun" of the sneaking around is going away.
Sounds like the problem may be hereditary. Similar to my MIL and W. My MIL's H calls her Flash and my W, Flash Jr. He says that he got the original and I got the carbon copy.
Unfortunately, your W may have unknowingly learned a lifestyle from her mother that she's now repeating in her adult life. It may feel normal to her. I've since learned that my W has never let a man go until she had another one waiting and ready to take her. But that's part of the BPD in her.
tough call, I gave my W many chances. I forgave her several times; but these last 6-8months have been it for me. Unless a miracle from God saves her and this M; I'm done. I am enjoying DB'ing though because it's been healthy for me to find myself again. It's helped me let go of the woman that I thought I loved and thought that I couldn't live without. I found out that I do survive without her and that other women still find me attractive. There is life after M to an adulterous wife and crappy mother.
Don't take my sitch for advice on what to do with your sitch. She may not be a serial cheater; but you have to be wary with your MIL's history. Keep Db'ing and watch for signs. It may be a while. Don't rush back in if she comes back; have boundaries in place.
Keep working to get happy without her; it's your only hope to survive this mentally and emotionally intact.
Hi I had an affair and after lying about it for 3 years , I came clean and my H has left me and seems to be looking for another woman.
I would NEVER NEVER EVER go through this aagain. My advise to you is , if you feel her remorse, then start working on forgiving and make your M work. It can be stronger and better than before.
My H cannot see this in me which makes me relly really sad and sick and yuk. Please give your W another chance. Work on what made her choose that option, love her to pieces , get some council you cannot do it on your own.
"Unfortunately, your W may have unknowingly learned a lifestyle from her mother that she's now repeating in her adult life. It may feel normal to her."
This is very true. My W's younger brother remembers things that went on in MIL & FIL's divorce, so I know my W has to remember a lot (probably more) of it too.
My W really needs help. The guy is a predator and the future will not be good for W.
No one can answer that question for you -- the "how many chances" one. I would think that, with your love for her and your shared history alone, you would want to give her at least ONE more try?
But you're right, SHE has to want to, too, and right now it sounds like she is refusing to end her affair, right?
My W still pretty much denies the A. On Monday night, OM posted pictures of them on facebook from throughout the last 5 months showing their relationship is more than just friends. Since then I've been in contact with others that have known about the A for sometime. Tuesday, my mother caught W at OM's condo (his parent's condo actually). My W tried to call me to explain that they were just golfing (he is the asst golf pro at a local golf course here). W didn't know at that time that I had seen the pictures.
She is refusing to talk to me and refusing to end her affair.
If I have learned one thing in my own situation it's this: Stop trying to figure out what's going on in her head. It will only make you crazy.
My WAW is involved with a 25 year old guy who lives in Germany and spends all of his time playing the game where they met, Second Life.
He's a long haired, heavy metal, head banger that rides a motor cycle. None of which have ever been appealing to my W before. Suddenly they are now? What sort of life will they lead if they get together in the real world? Does he really want to play daddy to someone else's child? I honestly doubt, knowing my WAW and how she works, that he even knows how old she is. She looks much younger.
I gave up on trying to figure it out. She's the one broken, not you. I have no doubt you made mistakes in your R. Who hasn't? But these WASs use any little thing and revisionist history to make them feel less guilty about what they're involved in.
Statistically speaking, it will not last. The question will be where your boundaries lie if she chooses to try to reconcile.
This isn't about you, her affair is about her, this was one of the things I found hardest to accept being a "fixer" myself. She is the one that will need to heal herself before the two of you can think of healing any R between the two of you. We cannot fix these women Making. I know you love her and wish you could, I feel the same about mine, but we have to know that we can't and more importantly we have to accept that we can't. We cannot even guide them, they must make their way on their own.
All we can do, if and when the time comes, is support them through their journey. How we do that will be determined by how they choose to make the journey.
Just my two cents as I'm no expert obviously.
Good luck.
Dash
Me 43: Her 34 M 08/22/2005 Son born 12/31/2006 Suspicion of EA 10/10/2008 EA confirmed 10/11/2008 WAW 10/13/2008
