H moved out so I guess we are separated - pls help

[courts0818]

I actually posted this same message in the walk away forum. I hope it's okay that I posted in 2 places...I wasn't sure which spot would be the best place and I'm so in need of suggesions and support.

Hi. This is my first post and I'm not sure where to begin. I decided to post bc today is my birthday and I'm feeling defeated and desperate. My H didn't even bother to acknowledge my b-day. I know we're not in a good place right now, but I really thought he would at least text me, and say "Happy Birthday." Well so much for wishful thinking.

Here's the scoop: We've been married for 7 years. We have a 2 yr old daughter. In July, I really noticed a change in him - he become more distant, he was staying out late. He wasn't interested in doing anything with me or being at home. He started putting a tremendous amount of effort into being away and not telling me where he was going/what time he would be back. I felt like nothing more than his babysitter.

In August, I was tired of feeling such distance from him so I wrote him a long letter and poured my heart out. Through that letter and failed attempts at talking things out - I was told that he wasn't happy, that he's been held back on things (I'm not sure what that even means), that things will never change and that I don't have what he needs to be happy. I was totally devastated and didn't see any of this coming.

For the past 3-4 months things have been a mess. It started with him going out on the weekends and staying out until 3:00am. Next, he started staying out all night - simply not coming home and not telling me anything. When I would ask where he was he would get angry and very defensive. I've watched his behavior and attitude get worse and worse.

So now - It has been 1 week since he spent a night at home. He never really told me he moved out - he just stopped coming home and has taken some of his things.

He works 2 jobs (so I can only work part-time to be home with our daughter and due to the economy). At this point, he comes home for one hour each day to see our daughter. This is all the time he has between his jobs. And this is all we see of him. If he does happen to be home on the weekend it is just for a few hours during the day - when night comes and our daughter is in bed he is gone. It's like he can't stand to even be near me.

I have read DB and I'm currently reading DR. I have tried some of the techniques, but I'm having a hard time. I feel like I've tried different things and changed some habits, but H hasn't even noticed. It seems like he's not around enough to notice any changes anyway. I've been far from perfect on the techniques I have tried - my pain, anger and resentment have gotten the best of me. I've said things when I should have just kept my mouth shut. That is MUCH easier said than done...especially when the man you love turns his back on his family.

After talking to him, his mom and his boss (his boss texted me, I didn't reach out to him) I really don't think he's having an affair. I just think he's not happy. And I feel like a total failure as a wife. It's been weeks since we've tried talking about our marriage - the last time I asked where we stood he said "he didn't know what he wanted."

He's under a lot of stress at work and he's not happy in general - I think he's so unhappy he can't see things ever being good between us. He's not willing to even imagine things changing for the better.

All I want is for him to give our marriage another try. I'm trying to "stop the chase". I have only seen him when he's been home between jobs. But other than that, I haven't contacted him since last Sunday (so I'm going on a week of not texting or calling him). He has sent me a couple of text messages and emails and all I have done is responded to his messages.

I don't know - Just sitting here alone...wondering how we got to this place...getting angry because he has put no effort into working this out...it is driving me nuts. I am trying to be patient and strong, but I don't know how to keep it together.

Any thoughts or advice would truly be appreciated. I'm lost. I feel like screaming at him for not having enough consideration to even acknowledge my birthday, but I'm not going to do that.

Help??? I feel like a complete doormat.

Courtney

[Loving_Life]

Hi Courtney,

First of all, welcome! and Happy Birthday!! My stbx/H didn't acknowledge my birthday this year either and it was only 2 weeks after we were separated. I had even gotten him a present for his bday right before we were S so know that this can be typical behavior for a WAS. I've been on the DB path(on and off)for a few years now and one thing I can advise is to try to avoid all R talk or change the subject if he brings it up. Also, try a few things to act like you're moving on and are ok 'without' him. Try not responding to every single message he sends. He might start to wonder what you're up to a little bit. When you see him during the hour he is home, act casual and nice- like nothing is wrong anymore, in fact you're doing allright on your own. If you can act happy about your "new life" without him, even better. I know it may at first feel like you are doing all the work and holding in your true feelings, but know it will likely create some results. You are NOT at all a failure. In fact, you are a success simply by picking up DB and DR to begin with! Hugs to you!

[jame38]

Sorry you are here, You really need to post this in the newcomers, you will get alot more responces to start with. Weekends are very slow, but u will get some responces, they will pick up on monday. Just hang in there you will get some good advice. Good luck.

[courts0818]

Loving_Life,
Thank you for taking the time to read my story and replying. I appreciate it. Guess what? H came home today to close our pool so I took the opportunity to leave. While I was gone, he sent me a text telling me he was very sorry for forgetting my b-day. He said he was so busy and overwhelmed with work that it totally slipped his mind. I still don't think it's right and it really hurt my feelings - but it at least he did text me. I guess the birthday cards, balloon and flowers that he saw reminded him.

Ok...avoid all R talk. I can do that.

Oh man, I really thought I was doing great by not being the one to text or email him - but you are right, I should not respond to some of his messages that way he can wonder why I'm not replying. I'll start working on that suggestion.

When he does come home during the week - things have been very quiet between us. I have been so upset about him moving out that I usually go into our room and shut the door so I don't have to see him. Oops...not the best idea, huh? I can put on a happy front for an hour, but should I actually try to start a casual conversation with him? Like asking how work was or something similar? I don't think he'll say much of anything back to me.

[courts0818]

jame38,
Thanks for the suggestion. I guess I should have started in the newcomers. These forums are different than others I've used so I was a little confsued.

Anyway, I did post there as well.

[Loving_Life]

Hey Courtney,

Definitely some good first steps- I would say try giving him even more distance and acting like you're happy about it. For example, if you act excited about where you're going and leave 5 min after he gets there. Be vague about where you're going too. "I'm going out w. friends!" or "Got an event to go to!" You're going to be happier just doing these new things anyway. Also, when you do spend a little time with him- think about ways to act fun and casual- what kinds of things did you do when you were dating? He's really going to start wondering if you have a fun, new attitude and a 'new life' that doesn't involve him that you're excited about. The key is to get him to think you may be moving on without him and you're actually happy about it. That may eventually spark the interest in your R again. None of this happens overnight, but with consistent effort, things can happen. Keep posting!

[courts0818]

Loving_Life,
Good suggestions. Thank you. May I ask your opinion on a few things? First, H moved out a week ago. I have not asked where he is now living and I have not sent him one text, placed one call or email to him. I did respond to a few messages from him, but I haven't initiated any communication between us. That has not been easy and honestly, I feel like a doormat.

I know that he is staying at his boss's condo. His boss sent me a text telling me he wasn't picking sides - that's the only reason I know where he's now living.

How can I be sure that I'm not making him think that he can do whatever he wants without any consequences? I feel that by sitting back and not saying anything that I'm giving him the impression that he can just walk all over me and I won't do anything about.

And it's so hard to show him that I'm getting a life and doing things because he's never here. Last week I saw him for a total of about 6 hours.

I thought about telling him he needs to keep our daughter at least every other weekend. I can't really ask him to do anything during the week bc of his hours. If he keeps her, I want him to be at our house so I will just find another place to stay - probably with my parents, but I will give him the impression that I'm out having a good ole time.

Because he is still paying all of our bills, I think he feels like he's still being there for us - which is not the case. We need more than his money.

What do you think?

[courts0818]

Oh update! He just sent me this email saying...

If there is something you want to do this week to get out let me know and I will take a night off work to watch D. I got my pay cut so I am not sure what to do with my other job. I want to quit so I can see the little girl but yet it would be nice to have the extra income and insurance once i goto mgt and I could put her on it to.

I don't mean to stick her with you, its not that way. I will come and take her to go do stuff to give you a break. I will be out of town this whole weekend and then I will take her.

Please help HOW SHOULD I RESPOND???

[Loving_Life]

The DB is starting to work a little! By withdrawing and focusing on your life and being happy, it will likely draw him back toward you more. You are not a doormat- the doormat would be clingy and trying to do things to please him(which usually pushes people away). Through DB, you're moving the opposite direction- pulling away so that he may be attracted closer again, and so that you are happier too. As for the night out, definitely take him up on it. Plan something fun and be mysterious about it! Maybe something where you can dress up a little- show off? Be vague about where you're going too.

[courts0818]

Hi again,
I've only got a minute because I'm home from work, but I need to leave. He sent me another email today. Here it is. What do you think?

I will take thursday night off then and plan on watching her. I won't be around this friday otherwise I would. I will probably just end up quitting second job then so I can have more time during the week even though its gonna kill
me on money. It is none of my business and you can just say so but I am gonna ask anyways, what do you mean you started making plans?