Hi. This is my first post and I'm not sure where to begin. I decided to post bc today is my birthday and I'm feeling defeated and desperate. My H didn't even bother to acknowledge my b-day. I know we're not in a good place right now, but I really thought he would at least text me, and say "Happy Birthday." Well so much for wishful thinking.
Here's the scoop: We've been married for 7 years. We have a 2 yr old daughter. In July, I really noticed a change in him - he become more distant, he was staying out late. He wasn't interested in doing anything with me or being at home. He started putting a tremendous amount of effort into being away and not telling me where he was going/what time he would be back. I felt like nothing more than his babysitter.
In August, I was tired of feeling such distance from him so I wrote him a long letter and poured my heart out. Through that letter and failed attempts at talking things out - I was told that he wasn't happy, that he's been held back on things (I'm not sure what that even means), that things will never change and that I don't have what he needs to be happy. I was totally devastated and didn't see any of this coming.
For the past 3-4 months things have been a mess. It started with him going out on the weekends and staying out until 3:00am. Next, he started staying out all night - simply not coming home and not telling me anything. When I would ask where he was he would get angry and very defensive. I've watched his behavior and attitude get worse and worse.
So now - It has been 1 week since he spent a night at home. He never really told me he moved out - he just stopped coming home and has taken some of his things.
He works 2 jobs (so I can just work work part-time to be home with our daughter and due to the economy). At this point, he comes home for one hour each day to see our daughter. This is all the time he has between his jobs. And this is all we see of him. If he does happen to be home on the weekend it is just for a few hours during the day - when night comes and our daughter is in bed he is gone. It's like he can't stand to even be near me.
I have read DB and I'm currently reading DR. I have tried some of the techniques, but I'm having a hard time. I feel like I've tried different things and changed some habits, but H hasn't even noticed. It seems like he's not around enough to notice any changes anyway. I've been far from perfect on the techniques I have tried - my pain, anger and resentment have gotten the best of me. I've said things when I should have just kept my mouth shut. That is MUCH easier said than done...especially when the man you love turns his back on his family.
After talking to him, his mom and his boss (his boss texted me, I didn't reach out to him) I really don't think he's having an affair. I just think he's not happy. And I feel like a total failure as a wife. It's been weeks since we've tried talking about our marriage - the last time I asked where we stood he said "he didn't know what he wanted."
He's under a lot of stress at work and he's not happy in general - I think he's so unhappy he can't see things ever being good between us. He's not willing to even imagine things changing for the better.
All I want is for him to give our marriage another try. I'm trying to "stop the chase". I have only seen him when he's been home between jobs. But other than that, I haven't contacted him since last Sunday (so I'm going on a week of not texting or calling him). He has sent me a couple of text messages and emails and all I have done is responded to his messages.
I don't know - Just sitting here alone...wondering how we got to this place...getting angry because he has put no effort into working this out...it is driving me nuts. I am trying to be patient and strong, but I don't know how to keep it together.
Any thoughts or advice would truly be appreciated. I'm lost. I feel like screaming at him for not having enough consideration to even acknowledge my birthday, but I'm not going to do that.
Help??? I feel like a complete doormat.
Courtney
Me: 34 H: 34 DD: 3 M: 8 yrs H moved out Oct. 2008, "not happy" "don't know what I want" "will always love you, but not in love with you" PA Bomb: April 5, 2010
I am sorry that you are here and I know that you are feeling really low and alone. Most of us here have had the same feelings. All of us have cried out for help on this site. I know you are looking for answers. We all are! There are some good people here that will give an ear and advise.
First you should know that you are not alone. Secondly, if you have read DB and have read other sitch here you should realize that many of us have been going through this H*LL for some time, some longer than others. I have found that every sitch sounds the same, but yours, mine, and everyone else's are deferent.
My W walked out on me 5 months ago. Saying very much the same things that your H told you. I have read DB and DR and seeing a C. I have learned that time is your friend. Patience is an ally. The quicker to can start GAL (get a life) and develop a PMA (positive metal attitude) the better you will be. I am not saying it will be easy, for from it. If you are like me, the only time I am not thinking about my sitch is when I am asleep, if I can sleep. Take care of yourself FIRST! Read other sitchs, ask questions, and post how you are doing, what went on with your day.
If you are like me, I thought I could not live another day, but I have and I will, not matter how my sitch turns out. YOU WILL TOO! Things will turn out the way they are suppose too.
Hi Courtney, Oddly enough my WAW has the same name. I am very sorry for your situation. Your husband sounds like he's going through what I was a few months ago. I am the type of person that bottles everything up inside. I've had a very stressful year with work. I lost a MAJOR client that represented about 75% of our income and had a boss that kept changing my pay in order to get me to quit. My wife has some health issues and I never wanted to bring my work issues home to her. I felt like I needed a break from reality. I mentally checked out, if you will. I ended up distancing myself from her when I should have embraced her tighter. She felt like she was the reason for my unhappiness when it couldn't have been further from the truth. Is there a way that you guys can seek counseling before this thing gets any worse?
