I needed carpeting in my house. I priced it out and looked at all the installation options. I ended up putting in laminate flooring. I was able to buy it at a cheaper price than carpet and I could easily install it myself. It looked really good when it was done and I saved a lot of money.
M35 W37 S9 D6 M12 yrs Know 15 yrs Bomb 1/28/07 My Sitch Failure is the opportunity to start again more intelligently - Henry Ford
I have been following you for a while- used to post as Lights.
I can certainly understand your struggle to "stand" after so long, but I do see many positives in her recent remarks and actions-
You have done an amazing job so far, but this jumped out at me as something you might improve further:
Quote:
She commented that the wallpaper should come off in the house and the walls need a good paint scheme. She said that we also need to replace the light fixtures.
I explained that money is a challenge. She said that it should be done long before we sell the house (I pay a good sum every month and want to downsize so there is more money for the family) and that it was sad we never did renovations in past homes until we were selling them. I explained that we had minimal income (she was a stay at home mom) and we didn't have excess to fix it up earlier than we did.
I hear quite a bit of "explaining" on your part and not much validation. I know for a fact that "explaining" in my own R was found quite annoying and I needed to do far less "explaining" (if any) and far more listening. "NO 'EXPLAINING'" is one of the top items on my "Things to NOT do if I ever get another chance..." I think it makes someone feel unheard and an "explainer" comes off as a bit of a know-it-all, which is a real turn-off- not someone one would crave spending time with, much less being a life partner with...
How about just saying "You're right- it is a shame we didn't get around to fixing things up until we were ready to sell- we didn't even get to enjoy those improvements..." and "Well, we're in this house now, I'm going to fix it up right now and we'll enjoy it as long as we can..." And make sure to touch base with her about every detail, asking her advice on colors, paint texture (flat vs. eggshell vs. gloss, etc.), which lighting fixtures to choose, general plan, everything! If she seems to be annoyed with you asking for her advice on the decor (which I doubt she will, as she seems totally into it), then just stop and make decisions yourself- or better yet, ask friends for advice and input.
If you can't afford something, I think it would work better for your M to just keep it to yourself and then roll up your sleeves and try to work to afford it. If she gets snippy and directly confrontational about it- again, I would avoid complaining about lack of funds and perhaps respond more positively such as "We do need that"...or "that would look great"...followed up by "I'm going to do every thing I can to make that happen as soon as possible..." I think her interest in home decor is tremendously positive and a great chance to bond with her. Instead of rolling out a litany of reasons why those things can't be done, find a way to get them done (stripping wallpaper and paint is cheap- mostly labor- you can even rent carpet installing tools from Home Depot for low cost, although I'm not a fan of wall-to-wall- laying a wood floor is not that hard to do yourself- I even painted a plywood subfloor with floor enamel for my niece after getting rid of the wall-to-wall that she hated- threw down a few inexpensive vintage rugs from ebay, and it looks great! Niece loves it!)...and have fun and delight in a project together with the woman who may (will?) always be your wife in your heart...
Lots of great DIY sites online now...or ask here! Plenty of talented LBSs with time on their hands?
Imageer is right- laughing together is about as sexy and fun as it gets.
Again, both you guys, I wouldn't bank on your Ws staying with their respective OWs for that long. Few lesbian Rs last longer than 3 years- believe me, I know this- I think it's sad...I hope to change all that with my own beloved P and M (we lasted over 8 years before she took off, but it will be a lifetime in my heart)...let it begin with me...
this also applies to you. If we are not over our Ws what could we offer someone else? Although, there is an argument that entering a new R at this point will help us to move on. I'm not sure if that is true or even right though.
I haven't said, but I took my ring off a while back after I signed the SA. It didn't feel right wearing it. I guess I felt that at a year and a half in to this, people were looking at me like I was in denial and I didn't feel like explaining the situation anymore. Sadly, most people looked at me like I had 2 heads. Maybe there was an element of opening myself up to having someone come along. I'm not sure. It just didn't feel right.
I still believe that there is a lot of guilt and a lot of uncertainty in your W. I think these observations you have and the way she interacts with you point to that. I think the D was a way to try to end her pain. In my opinion, you may be divorced now but your marriage is not over.
MMF, Imageer, I so agree that if we're not even over our spouse, we would be unfair to the person we decide to date. And of course people will think we're strange if we're still wearing our rings. I think it's the Enemy's way of luring us to stop standing- make us feel as awkward as possible, and then begin to think the way everyone thinks.
And MMF, I agree that it doesn't look like you M is over.
Journey, thank you for an extremely lucid reasoning. I didn't even realize I was justifying to her until you mentioned it. I believe, but now I am not so certain, that I had refrained from doing that during the separation phase.
I sure wouldn't mind her assistance or her recommendations. I need to remind myself to respond to her as I would to a regular friend and not someone that was familiar with all of our expenses and financial challenges.
And I agree that even if she acts "aggravated" with my request for her opinion, I will continue working on the house with or without her. Like Imageer said, how he has taken care of his place and has had a noticeable impact on his W.
I do have a challenge. I have three kids that are incredibly lazy when it comes to picking up after themselves. Let me correct that, they think that none of the mess is their fault but one of their siblings. I refuse to pick up after them all the time. I have told them to clean up their mess. And sometimes they will help but it is usually half hearted. I hate that when their mom comes over, the house is such a mess.
Anyway, I will take advantage of people on this board for fix up ideas along with DIY. One thing I am very hesitant to do is to replace the carpeting myself. I have two large floors where the carpeting needs to be replaced including our stairs. Only one room, our formal dining room could be converted to a wood floor or a Pergo type. Possibly the formal living room which is in the front of the house but the remaining rooms, stairs and upstairs hallway would be much better suited to carpeting for the style of house I have.
I just read what I wrote and I saw "justification" all over it.
I hope that is okay with everyone here, lol.
I also appreciate your closing comments about where our Ws may be in the whole lifestyle change thing. One day at a time.
Don't stay a stranger. And thanks for pointing out what I was doing.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
I do have a challenge. I have three kids that are incredibly lazy when it comes to picking up after themselves. Let me correct that, they think that none of the mess is their fault but one of their siblings. I refuse to pick up after them all the time. I have told them to clean up their mess. And sometimes they will help but it is usually half hearted. I hate that when their mom comes over, the house is such a mess.
Call (or study tapes of) Supernanny- she's da bomb!
LOL! The kids watch those shows and just cannot believe how bad the kids are (usually the parents are just bad parents). Oops, what does that say about me?
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
this also applies to you. If we are not over our Ws what could we offer someone else? Although, there is an argument that entering a new R at this point will help us to move on. I'm not sure if that is true or even right though.
I haven't said, but I took my ring off a while back after I signed the SA. It didn't feel right wearing it. I guess I felt that at a year and a half in to this, people were looking at me like I was in denial and I didn't feel like explaining the situation anymore. Sadly, most people looked at me like I had 2 heads. Maybe there was an element of opening myself up to having someone come along. I'm not sure. It just didn't feel right.
I still believe that there is a lot of guilt and a lot of uncertainty in your W. I think these observations you have and the way she interacts with you point to that. I think the D was a way to try to end her pain. In my opinion, you may be divorced now but your marriage is not over.
MMF, Imageer, I so agree that if we're not even over our spouse, we would be unfair to the person we decide to date. And of course people will think we're strange if we're still wearing our rings. I think it's the Enemy's way of luring us to stop standing- make us feel as awkward as possible, and then begin to think the way everyone thinks.
And MMF, I agree that it doesn't look like you M is over.
Um, just an opinion, but I went out on several dates late this summer / fall, (D was in the spring,) and it didn't help me get over things at all. It just really pointed out to me that I wasn't "over it yet." And I agree, it would be unfair to someone to get involved with them until we get ourselves straightened out.
When does that happen anyway?
These are my friends now!
But someday baby... You ain't worry my life anymore
Take away, take away what I don't need, save the good part please. Fade away, fade away.
I've been separated 2 years and divorced almost 1 year (in December). I've not been on a date or gotten involved with anyone other than very basic friendships. I chose to make this time about ME and my kids. I am learning new things and trying new things and don't want to complicate that right now. I believe we will know when we are ready. Anyone?
Me-BS 38 X-WS 36 Separated 11/15/2006 Filed for D 8/1/2007 Divorce Final 12/21/2007 S13, S13 (twins), D9 Married 13 Yrs Together 20 Yrs
A good friend of mine, a P.O. who is a close friend, has a bet with me that I'll be married by next August.
I'm not a gambler at all, but that's a pretty safe bet.
I suppose that between now and then trust in others will be restored, and heck will freeze over too....
Anyway, right now, I have 2 boys who need a lot of attention, direction, and affection! So, I'll just go on with what's REALLY important, and leave the rest to the boss.
These are my friends now!
But someday baby... You ain't worry my life anymore
Take away, take away what I don't need, save the good part please. Fade away, fade away.
Punktmann, I had started a R with a woman, over the phone and I realized that I was still in love with my W even though I thought I was ready. We hadn't even gone on a date, and I could tell that I hurt her when I said that I couldn't. It hurt me to do that to another person, maybe more than it hurt her.
I don't know if my W will ever deal with her issues and, even if she does that, whether she would want to reconcile but it is really about me at this point and how I feel. I am not trying to sound self serving but in a case like this, it is better to realize my reasoning for wanting a R with someone and not use it as a form of band aid. In this case, I think it is something more compassionate not to lead someone on, regardless of my reasoning why I should date.
The last thing I want to do is to hurt someone else or to hurt my children.
I appreciate your posts, my friend.
mmf
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
