We sold our home

[scrappy]

Our house has sold and we will likely be moving out by Thanksgiving. For those not familiar with my sitch, my stbx are still living together as we await the sale of our house. SInce he filed in June, things between us have been better than they have been in several years. We have been making up for lost time and have definitley found each other again. He is still proceeding with the divorce. I think that the major reason he wants this is that he thinks all of our financial problems are my fault and doesn't think I can change. But on the other hand I find myself asking "why?" There are so many good things about our relationship. I don't think we would have gotten to the place where we are at now, where things have improved so dramatically, without reaching this rock bottom point of his filing. So for this I am thankful. I am experiencing that profound sadness again since the house sold, as I can see the end so close ahead. It's hard to keep DB'ing. Maybe after 4 months I should just throw in the towel. Anyone have any thoughts on my sitch? Any encouragement would be greatly appreciated....

[tomcat65]

Im sorry scrappy,didnt see those words coming did ya.Lol

In the same sitch,but still DBing for myself and kids.

It does work,it really puts it in perspective.

Take care of yourself is number 1,no exceptions!

The saddness is hard dealing with it now more than ever!

You will make it,my house will be gone in the next 60 days,but I relly dont want to be here anymore.

To much hurt in every corner I look at,time to be done with the pain.

But I still didnt give up exW did.

I at least know i did The right thing.

I hope you come out the otherside of your sitch,with more confidence and worth that you deserve!

Take care -Mike

[scrappy]

Thanks for the encouragement. How long have you been at it (DB'ing)? I haven't read your story but hope that your X comes to her senses soon. Sometimes you just want to shake them and say "wake up!"

What "words" were you referring to? Sorry if I am a little brain-dead! It's kind of my M.O. lately!

Send me a link to your story..

[tomcat65]

Ive been at this 10 months,The wake up part is really funny.

thank you ,I love funny.

Are you in new comers,I never saw you before maybe Im just blind LOL

Take care -Mike

[scrappy]

I am not sure what is considered "new," but I posted my story in the early part of this past summer 2008. I didn't get much response so I haven't posted much since. I am including the link to my first post that describes my journey a bit. It's kinda long..sorry! I guess they're probably all long stories, huh?! Thanks again for the encouragement..

[scrappy]

I thought I'd post an update to our house sale. It fell through due to my stbx being unable to get his liens lifted to allow the sale. It was pretty disappointing. Me and the kids had already moved, though. So he is living in the house alone. He sold his business effective 12/30/08 and hasn't been working since. I think he is looking for something but not really sure. Much of our communication about the divorce stuff is via e-mail and he often doesn't answer. He'll answer if it's about the kids. For example, I asked when he was moving as he said he would bring a couple pieces of furniture that I didn't have room to bring. No answer. We have been meeting at different activities of our kids. We chat and have a nice time. It is so hard to just act like nothing....It is as if we were never married. I don't know how he can just shut off all emotion or feelings. It makes me think he stopped loving me a long time ago or maybe never loved me. I am not sure even what to from the DR strategies. Its impossible to go dark as we talk frequently about the kids. He does ask the kids to ask me stuff instead of talking to me directly. He is a huge avoider. For example, having time with the kids over spring break. He asked my daughter-16 to ask me. He said he was going to call me, but hasn't yet.

What I have been focusing on since he filed and especially since moving in December, is just working on myself. I am trying not to ask him for anything, no pressure. Pretty much when it comes to the divorce I go through my attorney because he doesn't answer me. I try to give as much as I can, not be argumentative. It took him 2.5 months to review the settlement agreement that we worked on together. The way he can just turn-off all emotion has made me wonder if he has someone else. How else could he just shut off all connection/emotion? He has always told me "no" he doesn't have anyone else. He said once he "needs to see if he can make it on his own." What the heck does that mean? It has been 8 months since he filed. I wish I could see inside his mind. I wish he would talk to me. This whole thing is killing me. I think I am hiding it well from him, though.

Any advice on the best approach to my sitch given where we are now? I would sure appreciate it, as I am feeling pretty discouraged.

[Dia]

Hi, Scrappy,

I'm so new at this that I can't give any advice beyond "Hang in there and keep at it." However, I can tell you that you'll get more notice and more support if you make (or revive if you have one) your thread over in the Newcomers section rather than here.

Cheers,

Dia

[bluerain]

Hi scrappy, Sorry you have found yourself here. I had the same result from my first few posts, not much of a response, but just posting as a journaling helped me a lot, and over time, by responding to other sitches Ive made a few friends that have invaluable information and advice.

You mentioned that you think that your H may think that the financial problems are your fault and that you wouldnt change, so, change! If being fiscally irresponsible is your norm, do a 180 and not only be responsible, but maybe even save some $!

I also noticed what you said about going dark. When you have kids it is harder, but you need to keep your communications ONLY about the kids, only about business. Unless of course you are informing him that you cant meet him at such and such a time because you are busy doing some wonderful, exciting mystery activity.

The fact that hes moving things along so slowly tells me something. Maybe hes not as eager as you might think. Men clam up when they feel like they are not close to their W anymore. He hasnt shut off his emotion, but he has buried it. This is especially true if he is an alcoholic and in an MLC, nothing is his fault, no one understands him, blah blah blah, other adolescent type fit throwing. Trying to defend yourself, or remind him how perfect your life was will be totally counterproductive right now, and him rejecting it will only hurt you.

What have you done to GAL, what do you have look forward to? Whats your new place like?

Before this sitch started, what were your interactions like? How long were you M, how old are your kids?

[scrappy]

Thanks for the response Bluerain! Wow I hadn't checked in here for awhile...I am glad I did! I appreciate you taking the time to read my sitch and givng feedback. The latest for me is that I received notice that my STBX's attorney was withdrawing from the case (due to lack of response and money from him). I told my STBX I received the notice, but no response. I just dont know what he is thinking or what he is planning. Is he going to get another attorney or what? My attorney thinks we need to just ask for a trial date. He knows I dont want this divorce and I know he thinks I am just nuts for being willing to just be in limbo. I am not sure if I should just push forward with the divorce so we have some sort of closure or just wait on him to do something. The court would eventually dismiss it if I do nothing. Do I want to be married on paper only? I just dont know.

When I see him he is normal and friendly, but never addresses any serious question that may be out there. I do worry he spends most of his time drinking. He is still not working. His drinking makes me feel more dismal about our relationship. It is an all-consuming thing for him and once he admits he has a problem, it'll really be all-consuming.

I stopped long ago telling him "how great we could have it if we could get through this", "that others have problems", etc. I wrote him a letter Oct 2008 telling him that I accept his decision to end our marriage and also telling him I was glad we had time together before I had moved out where we loved and were friends like we used to be. I appreciated that. He never said anything about the letter so I'm not sure if he read it or what.

So I am just focusing on supporting my kids and keeping them in the schools they've been in since Kindergarten. I have been working doing my regular work but through an agency so it has been off and on. I've recently accepted a FT position that I hope to start in 1-2 months. I need a Washington license (I'm in Oregon) and need to do some CE before I can actually apply. When I do see my STBX I jsut dont know how to act. I feel like he filed for divorce, so obviously he doesnt want to be married to me. So I've taken that to mean when I see him at kids functions I don't go out of my way to say hi to him or sit by him. Last night I went to watch my girls at basketball camp for awhile and planned to make a quick exit at the end. My oldest daughter caught up to me and was like "why are you leaving without saying anything?" I had actually talked to my girls who were in the camp, as I was there for about 3 hours. When my STBX and my oldest arrived about 45 mins before camp ended, I said hello when I saw them and talked with my daughter for awhile. I just feel so awkward. If it is his time with the kids I just feel like I need to give him space to do that. He only has them every other weekend. I dont want to interfere with his time. But then my oldest makes it seem like I'm being weird. So I'm just not sure anymore. If I hang around and talk to them I feel like I have "desperate" and "yes, Im chasing you" written all over my face. Maybe I'm being paranoid. Am I being weird? Isn't that the point someone who has filed for divorce is making? I never imagined I'd be divorced and have no idea how this is all supposed to work.

As far as getting a life, I have been focusing on making my house a home for my children. We have done stuff together, like bike rides, church outings. I have been trying to do stuff with my friends when we have the time, like a movie or dinner. Having 4 teenagers keeps me pretty busy! I feel like they are all so close to being all grown that I dont like to plan too much away from them. My time left before they are gone is limited. Since we moved out I have been working a lot more so I can support us. I haven't saved any money, but I am proud that I have been able to provide a home and for their basic needs. My STBX hasnt given me any actual child support. He has paid my car insurance and paid towards our cell bill a couple of times. I dont know how he has been surviving all these months not working. I know his mom has sent money on occasion. He is super tight with what he does have, though. The kids know not to ask him for ANYTHING! Which means everything falls on me. I guess its not a lot different from when we were married. He just contributed towards household expenses but the kids came to me for anything they needed.

We will be married 20 years in March 2010. I thought we had a great relationship up until about 7 years ago. I noticed that he was just mean and critical all the time when he was home. My response was to stop talking to him. Well this spiraled as you could imagine to where we are now. The reasons he gave me for wanting out or not loving me anymore were....1) There was a time where I tried a home based business to supplement my income that didn't work out. He cant seem to get over that. 2) I also asked him at one point if he was having an affair because I felt like I just couldn't reach him. He couldnt believe I could think such a thing. He brings it up to this day. 3) There are some other big finance stuff that has caused a lot of stress in our life that I think he blames me for at least partially.

My kids are 16 (almost 17), 14, 12 and 12 (almost 13). My 16 and 12 year olds have the same Dec birthdays!

In June 2008 I found the divorce papers he had just filed in his car. We talked some after that about why he wanted a divorce and why I didnt. Since then we really havent talked. I said that to him about 6 or 8 months ago and he said we had many conversations about it. He sees it differrently than I do.

Thanks for listening....