Hi folks, my old thread seemed to not fit the circumstances so well, so I started a new one.
A short recap is in order. I talked with the wife last Thursday and she confirmed that in her mind, she had told me in no uncertain terms that we were getting divorced, but that I had asked her to wait to file and at that point, she became intimate with her two OM. I think her timing is off considerably, but, it wasn't worth arguing about. The reality of a pending divorce triggered a cascade of emotions and I went out and drank to much and swore off drinking out at the bar, at least for a while.
Friday, we spoke again, and I asked if she was sure that we couldn't fix things. We left that as that we would try and build the friendship that we never had and would file the divorce petition at the end of the month. Additionally, we talked about shared parenting time where each parent would be in the family home for a week and then switch off with the other one. Friday, I closed out the day with some hope.
Saturday, seemed like the way things have been for the last few months and Sunday was a repeat of that, though in talking to her on Sunday afternoon, she told me that she was going over to OM2's house to get her plants and give him back his cell phone. I presume that is shorthand for breaking things off with him. As a friend, I wished her success and told her if she needed to talk, to call me.
Since Monday, things have been significantly harder than I thought they would be. It was much easier to move on when she was a lying cheating who.. After out talks, we connected again in a way that we haven't in a long time and she moved out of the impersonal enemy category and back into the person category and it's really tough to try and be friends with and friendly to her while she is involved with OM1. Heck, they are going to Vegas over Halloween weekend.
I'm trying to move on myself except that while a part of me wants to move on, another part of me still wants this to not be happening and to at the very least put her back into the impersonal enemy category so that I don't care what she's doing.
SIGH
It's all so very confusing. Maybe it wouldn't be so damned difficult if I wasn't with the kids all the time, but, I don't feel comfortable having people over to the house. So, I work all day and take care of the kids and then veg out on the computer until far to late, then sleep, wash rinse repeat.
Today, I asked if she was looking for another job since she works nights and our shared parenting time plan is impossible while she is working nights, and she gave me all kinds of excuses from that she is just glad to have a job in this financial climate to that she doesn't have a computer to find a job to the fact that originally her sabbatical was supposed to be until the end of the year and when I was out in Colorado for a new job, she was in Michigan with no friends and never went out etc. I told her that things were significantly different now and thought later that I wish I had told her that when she is willing to live the way I did when we were apart, then I'm willing to live the way that she did. Of course, I've always been the one earning the majority of the income, she was busy, but, didn't have a full-time job and her mother was there to help with things. So, there really is no comparison between what she lived then and what I live now. It doesn't matter.
Then on top of that, I still have major job instability and no word yet on the new job.
Am I done whining yet?
I think so.
I've decided what to be for Halloween My criteria were simple. I could not make me look ridiculous and it needed to have a long cape. I was planning on going with a long hooded robe and a mask, but, then someone pointed out the vampires are still cool and that sealed things. I'm going as a punker styled gothic vampire. This meets both criteria, the vest and ruffled shirt or cravat and the black dress pants looks cool and the cape is available to engulf pretty women
I didn't want anyone to think that I'm sitting around all depressed or something. :p
Small steps...I think it is a good thing that she decided to wait until the end of the month and see how things go. Don't pressure too much. Remember, you have to feel like you are friends, and although this is very hard, you seem to be doing a good job so far. Just keep that mind set, and don't cross that boundary!
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
I have read about the sharing the house alternating as an options for parenting plans. I wonder how that would work out when Dan meets a new lady. Likewise, do you make a rule that no OM or OW are allowed in the shared house?
That's definitely the idea, no OP in the family home. I don't see how it could possibly work for more than a couple of years because the principles will want to establish new relationships and I doubt that the new love interest will be content to see their love every other week, but, as someone pointed out to me, coming back to the family house every other week may bring about a certain desire to reconnect.
I'm talking about sharing the house AND maybe another small studio apartment ...
How about privacy? I mean where do you put your personal stuff, your legal files, etc. And the thought of an OP using the same bed, Ugh!
And once the spouse files for D or is confirmed to have an OP or even if they sleep in the other room ... living in the same house (so called live-in WAW) its like living with the enemy. Believe me I've been thru' it. Yikes!
Sorry to hear that FB2. I have a friend who said that the only way she's seen it work is for couples who are trying to reconcile. Right now, we are friendly. It's tough because like I said once I connected with her as a person again, she had to power to hurt me again. So, it's a little difficult, but, frankly enemy or not, I could really use a break from being the responsible adult every evening. I don't even want to have friends over to the house right now.
Heck, I'd look forward to getting an apartment downtown and spending every other week channeling my second youth. Yeah, there's a little MLC floating around inside me too. It isn't anything that's going to happen soon.
I either have to do that or find a house with 5 bedrooms so I can get an AuPair in to help with the kids and then W can run off and play single again and swoop in for her mommy fix when she needs it whether the kids need it or not.
I'm wondering how are you doing at the moment? I think you have made some really good progress, and it is great you are friendlier especially for the kids.Iis it a weight off your mind not having to wonder anymore? Has it helped with detachment in any way?
I reckon you are entitled to a little MLC - I am waiting to see photos of you with purple hair on the other universe!
I'm sorry, I had the purple hair last night, with silver glitter, and no pictures were taken. I was very surprised at how little attention my purple hair generated while I was out.
Knowing is fine. It does help to not wonder. In some ways things are far far harder. She is kinder and even perhaps more affectionate to a point, but, it's harder when she mentions OM1's name or tells me about her life and I know that what she is telling me somehow involves OM1. I just keep my smile on and stay pleasant. Check in the other world, I'll leave you something interesting. Detaching and moving on with life is still difficult because I can't move on with the financial aspects of life which is a very large part of the obstacle in the way of GAL.
Yeah, my MLC has generated some significant weirdness in my life.
Well, if you were following Jody's stages (see my thread from AGES ago) I would say you are in stage 2 - friendship - which is great.
Hmmm, I can imagine it must be hard hearing about OM#1, and it's quite weird that she is so open to telling you about it. If it gets too much you should set someboundaries but on the other hand it is great you are so relaxed with each other!
My criteria were simple. I could not make me look ridiculous and it needed to have a long cape. I was planning on going with a long hooded robe and a mask, but, then someone pointed out the vampires are still cool and that sealed things. I'm going as a punker styled gothic vampire. This meets both criteria, the vest and ruffled shirt or cravat and the black dress pants looks cool and the cape is available to engulf pretty women