Ok it was a coin toss between piecing and this area…
Short in sweet overview
W29 ME29
Christmas ’06 ILUBNILWU
Left Feb ’07 had an affair
I had a month long fling with someone myself
Reconciled Aug ‘07
Been working on it since.
I can understand that piecing takes time and we are both doing “OK” at it. Sure we have our back slides and small fights.
Our problem is SEX… She has been home over a year now and we have ML three times! Our last time was this weekend after we both have been having a few drinks with friends and got a little frisky after words. Before that it was getting on 8 months !!! We have been married for 3 years now. Before we got married sex was pretty good. Maybe once a week at times. After we got married it slid down to once a month. Then we separated..
We have talked about it and the conversation goes from…. “I don’t feel we should ML if we are not having kids yet” to “ I’m not sure why I don’t want it”
I’ve caught her masturbating a few times, when she knows full well I am in the mood.
She seems more keen on watching each other masturbating rather then touching each other. My love language is physical touch and reassurance.
She has even told me she is turned on more then what she makes me believe.
I can 100% say the OM is no longer in the picture nore is any other person.
No words can describe how I feel ! I’m not even 30 yet and going through this BS.
I can feel myself slipping into depression more and more… I can’t even afford to see my consoler anymore due to extremely tight finances.
Still doing my best to GAL and work on me… but how long due I have to put myself through this torture. I almost feel like walking out myself now…
I need some advise…
W: 28 Me: 27 No kids Bomb: 12/27/06 ILUBNILWU Sep: 2/16/07 Came home: 08/30/07
It's rarely that simple, although from the HD partner's perspective, it seems like that's the one and only problem. Fix that one area and everything else would be peachy, right? Wrong, particularly from the LD partner's perspective.
In order to help, we need some more information, really.
Do you know what was missing in your wife's life to cause her to first 'fall out of love with you' and then secondly, to seek another man?
Another way of asking this is: what was the OM providing for her that you were not (in her eyes)? Frequent affirmation? romantic gestures? things that made her feel special and cherished? a strong emotional connection and acceptance? a level of masculinity that swept her off her feet? What was there with him, that was no longer there with you?
I'm not trying to get you to rehash old, painful memories, but instead to look for clues as to what was missing -- that 'thing' that you had when you were dating and first got married, that got lost somewhere along the way.
Take care,
Bagheera
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
Man--It is good and bad that you are here. Bad, because you have a problem and you are frustrated and hurting. Good because you want to find a solution and you've come here for support and answers.
The A's that rocked your marriage were a symptom, not the problem. I think you understand that. What sort of direction did your C give you? When was the last time that you went to C?
Originally Posted By: Manwithaheart
Our problem is SEX
I think this is also a symptom of the bigger problem. How are you and your W communicating? She seems to be missing something that your R is not providing, that would explain why you heard ILYBINILWY and she had the affair. If you were involved with someone else, then you probably weren't happy with the M either?
M42 S12/D9 T17/M12 Bomb 1 3/22/06 Bomb 2 7/11/08 Bomb 3 7/31/08 W Filed 8/1/08 D granted 12/17/08 D Finalized 1/29/09
A man who compromises his principles never had them in the first place.
Well my C said to keep communication open and talk about our concerns rather then let them boil to a point of busting.
Don't fall back to back habbits.
Maybe I should not have said our problem is SEX. I know there is more to it then that. All I hear is "I don't know why" or a couple of times I get " I want to re-connect"
it's been a year of re-connecting... I honestly beleive it has to do with a couple of things. One she was abused by a family member when very young and her mother programed that sex and touch is bad period. While this does not explain the period of time when things where good before our M.
She still has this thing about going to see a C herself on her own. She feels its not needed, while I feel it is. As mentioned in the DB book, we can't force someone into C if they are unwilling>
While she feels our M is getting back on track and things a moving along, I feel we have hit a wall. I don't want to go back to last years events.
Regarding the A, yes we both where unhappy. She left and I was alone. I turned to somone to help me deal with it in the wrong way.
I just long for the touch and love from my W. While I get told 3,4 or 5 times a day she loves me and we kiss and sit on the couch and watch TV close. It does not fill the large void of sexual excitement ! the spark, the I want u, desire your touch.
I love a woman who takes control of the situation sometimes. I would just love to be jumped from time to time. Or come home to be surprised by my W in something sexy. Or have her sneak into the shower with me .. you get the picture. I just don't want wam bang thank you mam. Which is why the OW appealed to me. Nothing like have a woman jump you with out warning.
Last year I learned alot about myself and what I want in my M and life. Sex aside I consider myself a strong person. I know what makes me happy and what hobbies and stuff I enjoy. I no longer want to play games. As someone mentioned in there post, I did not sign up to be a preist (she said nun)
sorry for the long posts and maybe to much detail
W: 28 Me: 27 No kids Bomb: 12/27/06 ILUBNILWU Sep: 2/16/07 Came home: 08/30/07
You said: "Our last time was this weekend after we both have been having a few drinks with friends and got a little frisky after words."
And also: "She seems more keen on watching each other masturbating rather then touching each other."
OK, you have a couple of clues here as to things you could try that might result in more sex.
First off, plan a date night where you take her out for dinner, make sure she drinks a glass of wine or two...do not stay out too late, then bring her home and have another bottle of wine ready. Do this again THIS WEEKEND preferably.
For some women, it helps a lot to strike while the iron is hot, and being that you two had some fun when your guard was down last weekend after a few drinks...try to recreate that again this weekend. Do not make it all about a sex date, but also do make her understand how much fun it was and how you want to keep things moving in a positive direction. Given that she was more opened up after a couple of drinks is a good sign.
Second...while I do understand that it is frustrating for you to know that she is masterbating while you are willing and waiting for sex, it is actually also a good sign. It means she does have sexual urges. This is good because some women don't have them at all. Its much easier to try to work with this if she has those urges.
As to the point that she seems to be more interested in mutual masterbation than sex...again, try to see this as a good sign. Mutual masterbation can be very intimate and exciting. Men sometimes don't realize how erotic it can be for a woman to see a man (in person, not porn) masterbate. We can become fascinated by seeing this sex act, and it can really turn us on. Please try not to demean her for wanting this...it is actually a good sign that she would want to do this with you at all.
So my suggestion is that you iniate a mutual masterbation session sometime, spontaneously, or if you have some clue that she may be getting ready to masterbate.
Hopefully...by doing this once or twice (or more) it could lead to more sex. Because there are times when my man and I will begin what we plan to be mutual masterbation, but at some point during the act we are both so turned on we can't help ourselves but to make love instead.
The point here is for you to pay very close attention to what turns her on and try not to be insulted by it.
People on this forum are going to be very understanding to your plight, and how you really need that intimacy and connection with your wife. Most of us have been through or are going through a sexless marriage (mine is over now, unfortunately due to divorce...and I am now in a happy relationship with great and frequent sex). But we all share a common theme and can learn from each other. So do continue to post.
You said your wife has had some sex abuse issues...yes, this will be a challenge for her and it does explain some of the things that have happened and that she has told you (ie: "I don't know why I don't want it"). Have you read any books about sex abuse? You would benefit from it because you will find out a lot about her, even things she does not know about herself.
Please consider my suggestions about having another little drinky-drinky this weekend and initiating sex, and also on a separate occasion, initiate mutual masterbation.
what caused our M to go down hill was a couple of things.
My yelling and poor attitude. (strugle with the attitude, hard to feel happy go lucky with my feeling of the situation)
I was not doing the "small" things. i.e telling her how nice she looks and how much I really love her. Love notes and simple calls to say hey. Stuff like that, which I mostly do daily (notes aside)
She felt we lost our connection back then.
W: 28 Me: 27 No kids Bomb: 12/27/06 ILUBNILWU Sep: 2/16/07 Came home: 08/30/07
DanceQueen... I like your suggestions and feedback. Its nice to have a female perspective.
This weekend we are going up to my mother in laws cottage with a freind to help out with clean up. So this weekend wont work out.
But she is working late tonight and should be home by 11pm. This will give me time to "setup" for when she gets home. I'll setup the basement with candles and crack out a bottle of wine and have dinner waiting for her. we will see how it turns out.
Date night will have to wait due to being crazy tight for cashola, but I can have a surpise date night for her "out of the blue"
W: 28 Me: 27 No kids Bomb: 12/27/06 ILUBNILWU Sep: 2/16/07 Came home: 08/30/07
To give you another perspective on what DQ says. I would offer go into the date without sex being the end goal. Just show your W a nice time with NSA. Could there be a trust issue at work? Maybe W doesn't feel that she can trust you with her emotions? That is why she willing to get off together alone. If you are pressuring her for sex and aren't getting it, then you need to not pressure her for sex and see if you do.
My W was abused sexually by her father, and incest really distorted her view of what is love. The last thing you want is W to view you as being in the role of her abuser. Neither one of you will be happy and it is something that I don't think can be overcome once that line has been crossed.
You are correct that if W doesn't want C, you cannot make her go, but you are willing to work on you and that counts for a lot. Has your W ever gotten counseling for the abuse she suffered? C helped my W, and she went through that before we were married. She still has issues that I think go back to her mother and that explains her A's and wanting D.
I am reading the things that you are looking for sexually and those don't seem out of line, but it looks to me like you are making the sexual disconnect the focus instead of trying to heal the disconnect in your M.
I'm not a C, just trying to share what I know from my experience so you won't travel down the cheesless tunnels I did. D is not fun!
M42 S12/D9 T17/M12 Bomb 1 3/22/06 Bomb 2 7/11/08 Bomb 3 7/31/08 W Filed 8/1/08 D granted 12/17/08 D Finalized 1/29/09
A man who compromises his principles never had them in the first place.
