I found these boards to be incredibly helpful when I was dealing with the pain of separation last year, now that I am divorced, I believe that I will also find some really good advice in this forum. One thing is certain, the DB community is a group of wonderfully supporting people.
My divorce was final about 2 months ago on 8/18/2008. Ex and I have been separated 1 year. We tried reconciling in March and it was a disaster, the damage was done.
Soon after the failed reconciliation, I started dating my wife's very good friend. We spent a weekend in Las Vegas and I started crashing at her place about 4 - 5 nights per week. During this time I had very little contact with my 7 year old daughter and that resulted in a lot of guilt. Wife's friend and I decided to put relationship on hold and we remain friends.
Please understand that my ex can be a very evil woman. I know I sound like the bad guy here, but my ex did some VERY bad things during the course of our marriage.
Lately I feel like I have been on a bit of a mini-roller coaster. Over the past 6 months I have gone from feeling "elated" that I am single and free to a little depressed over the failure of the situation. I have absolutley no interest in my ex, but what bothers me is the "death of the family."
Today I am seeing a therapist who is helping me through this transition phase. Our primary focus is on ensuring that my daughter has a happy and stable life. Things are very good on that front, kidlet and I have been spending a lot of time together doing fun activities and she seems to be very well adjusted to the situation.
I was on match.com and dated a few nice girls, but I just feel i have very little to give in a relationship.
So, that is where I am today. Any advice will be greatly appreciated. I always felt that this was very good free therapy.
Fish- How about some details of your previous M? Length etc.
Also, have you thought about attending a DivorceCare class? It was very helpful to me. Although I still have some residual anger, I have been able to let a lot of it go.
Me: 44 S: 17 and 7 Final-6-13-08 I once went to a psychic who told me I would soon feel cheated......
Welcome to Surviving, Fish! It's not where any of us ever wanted to be but it sure beats the alternative, which would be not surviving You're doing all the right things! The feelings you describe are absolutely on schedule. I too, when I first separated, felt this sense of relief and freedom. I was building a new life free of the stone that had been around my neck for years. Yet, I also felt deep sadness and grief at what I had lost. It's not just a R with W that you lost, sad as that is, it is also a great deal of your identity as a person, who you saw yourself as being. All our dreams and visions of our life change drastically. At times I felt like there was a hole in my chest and it would never be filled again. Yup, all normal stuff. The thing that I found really helpful was to push myself to make connections with other people. We men often try and get into another R quickly or at least find women to validate us because we're so darn hurt. That's not the way to heal, as you have found. Just try and connect with people as friends, acquaintances or whatever else. I found a faith community which really helped in staying active and connecting with others. What you do may be different, but my advice is keep on connecting with others. You will come through this...there is light at the end of the tunnel, it just takes time and patience with plenty of drastic ups and downs emotionally. Great to hear from you Fish!
Hi fish..My names Mike. I know this all too well and am dealing with this at the moment.
Quote:
Lately I feel like I have been on a bit of a mini-roller coaster. Over the past 6 months I have gone from feeling "elated" that I am single and free to a little depressed over the failure of the situation. I have absolutley no interest in my ex, but what bothers me is the "death of the family."
I would not call my feelings rollercoaster but I do feel thses things rising to the surface again and am having to deal with them. I am not quite D'd yet but will be in a matter of days. I move on months ago and have been in really good shape for a while now. I don't feel depressed at all but have noticed that I'm bothered about the death of the family and concerns for my Daughter, Caleigh..
I'm dating curreently but not looking for an R at the moment..Just fun..
Just know you are not alone..there are many of us where you are. The feelings are all normal and part of the process.
I am not aware of your exact sitch... But, I think you are taking the right path in general....
I would not worry about the "rebound" relationship.... I would actually encourage it.... I am not advocating you go out and sleep with a random woman..... I'm just stating a new romantic interest is fine....
People can talk all they want about being "alone" (very few people really are)..... People can talk about healing.... Healing is needed... But, what we really need is "good" people in our lives....
Back to the exW's good friend..... If your exW did really do "some VERY bad things during the course of our marriage"... I would see nothing wrong with dating her good friend.... I read in one men's magazine where they ENCOURAGED going after a woman in her circle or someone she was jealous of.... Now, if I were the one to leave my M (which would NEVER happen).... I would NEVER dream of hurting my ex like that....
RMG
"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before." from "Good Will Hunting"
sounds like you found out the hard way what many were saying to you a while back. I'm glad to see you reconnecting with your Daughter. You are a good man.
My fishy friend! Good to see you back here looking for support. We all cheered you on while you were trying to save your marriage. We'll be here for you during this next phase.
Glad to see you gave the new relationship a break. You really do have little to give right now.
While you work on yourself...how much do you see the little girl? Do you have her certain days? Is she really adjusting well? I just want you to give her top priority right now. Even a small period of feeling ignored from you can cut her deep.
Welcome back.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
Wow, thank you for the replys, you guys are still amazing! Love my fellow DBers!
Right now, I have my daughter every other weekend. I check in every other day via telephone and soon we will start having dinner 1 night per week. I also joined a beach club that we will enjoy together next summer.
When I am busy, things are good. Lately what has been happening is that I wake up around 4AM and get a little gloomy. I start thinking back to when things were good and our daughter was a little tot. Those days were awesome! I toss and turn a bit wondering what I could have done different. I know this is pointless, but I am a guy who has a hard time dealing with failure.
I've discussed this with some of my ex's friends and they tell me ... STOP. You are a really good guy, a good husband, good father and a great provider. Your wife did not want to be married. Nothing you can do about it.. move on. She does not view the world the way you do, during your marriage you put your child first, she did not.
It's interesting.. this gloomy feeling in the morning started just when my ex and I started to get a long better. I guess when we were not getting along it reinforced the reasons for the divorce.
I never thought that this would be so hard. Again, nothing to do with my ex, I have no interest in her. It is the "death of the family" and the impact this will have on my daughter.
Fish, there's nothing wrong with feeling some pain, there's alot to feel pain about! Your friends don't want to see you hurting but to say "move on" is not helpful to you. If you can't function or have any happy moments because you're so overwhelmed with pain then "stop it, move on" may be appropriate but that isnot the sitch! Fish, the pain will come and go, let it be. Don't dwell on it but don't just push it away in order to make friends happy. Pain is pain, it serves a purpose, it's part of the healing process. Respect it and you'll be fine
