A Confession

[optimistwife]

I hope that you can find forgiveness, both for youself, your H and your sitch. I guess it is easy to see how fragile our hearts are- and how much we all want to feel loved.

I know somedays I wish I had someone else too. It has been so long since any of us have had the validation from a signficant other- that we put ourselves into dangerous situations.

You are very brave to confront all of this before it got out of hand. I hope your heart can heal and you can find the love you deserve first coming from inside of you. You sound like a wonderful, sincere person!

[iamlost]

Hi Pisces & Optimistwife. Thanks so much for your kind words.

I just wanted to update about a BIG ray of sunshine that's come into all this. H and I had an appointment with an amazing neurologist today who was very kind, asked a lot of questions, and gave H a thorough physical examination.

He agrees that it sounds like H has some kind of chemical imbalance, wants him to have an MRI, and wants us to go for couples counseling, recommended an therapist that he thinks is excellent. He said that he thinks we have a strong bond.

I just wanted to hug the doctor after it was all over. I feel such a tremendous amount of relief to have someone, an expert, validate my concerns, and allow me to feel like the weight of recrimination can be lifted off of both my and my H's shoulders. Of course, we're both still responsible for our actions, but we were dealing with health issues that were too big for us to handle alone.

The doctor even told my H that it was normal for people who have a chemical imbalance to blame things outside themselves (i.e., their spouse) when really the problems are internal.

He and I didn't get to talk that much afterwards, cause H had to go to work, but he agreed with pretty much everything the doctor said!

I'm just ecstatically happy and relieved that H might get the help he needs. It probably won't save our M, but that's OK.

Speaking of that, I just got the divorce papers yesterday in the mail. I will look at them today, and if they look OK, will sign them and send them back. H will give me a check, and then I have six months from filing till the big D.

[iamlost]

Guys, help me deal with something...

I'm spending the afternoon looking over these preliminary divorce papers, and I noticed something. The date it says my H signed the Petition for Dissolution of Marriage is my BIRTHDAY.

Granted, he claims our legal assistance person typed that date before they sent it to him. But... how could he? Why didn't he see that date, grab some white out, and change it to the actual day he signed it? Now, I have to live with legally my husband petitioning for divorce ON my birthday.

Am I just overreacting? Cause this really, really hurts.

[optimistwife]

IAL,

What mixed blessings! It sounds great that your H is finally going to get some help. I pray that it will give him clarity in his life.

Do you have to sign the papers? Can you refuse unless the date is changed? It is really rotten to ruin your BDay like that!

[iamlost]

Hi OW,

I guess I could refuse, but then it would just piss my H off: he would say I'm just trying to hold things up. I don't know what to do. On the one hand, I feel like I am being petty. It's just a date. On the other hand, I think it's particularly cruel of him to have casually let the legal date his petition be my birthday. But he's also done a lot of worse things, this might just be par for the course. The only important person in his world right now is himself. I'm sure he didn't even notice.

[JWS]

Hell NO

change that, you have the right to enjoy every birthday you ever have without at all thinking that "this was the day we ended our marriage." weather it was an oversight or not that pisses me off and so you are not being petty. Please fight for this one it really is crap.

[iamlost]

Thanks for being protective of me JWS. But I’m at peace with it now. Plus like I told you, it’s a good fish story: “Oh yeah? Well, MY ex filed for divorce ON my birthday! Beat that.”

Lots of things still make me sad about all of this, but I’m much more at peace now than I have been for the last month. The doctor lifted such a huge weight off of me. This is all about my H. He gave up on me, I never gave up on him, he threw me away and treated me like dirt for 8 months, and those are things that he will have to live with for the rest of his life. It really is his loss.

The things that still linger with sadness right now are the fact that several of our mutual friends still won’t put us in a room together. It’s their problem that they’re making mine. I’m sad that it probably means that I will drift away from some of them. Again though, it’s their loss.

I feel in love with the universe again, and I’m ready to show it. : ) I’m ready to jump back on the wagon with things like a regular workout schedule, more personal projects, more reaching out with love, more socializing. Back where I was a couple months ago. It feels good.

[Gypsy]

Hello iamlost..

Have you read "NOT 'Just' Friends"? It's a very good book for each perspective.. the injured partner, the wayward spouse and the other person. It gives good boundaries on how innocent things can progressively lead to an affair, inappropriate frienships and ways to rebuild either together or alone.

Fault, blame, erosion of a marriage and relationship happens with tiny cuts that build over time leaving to the eruption of a boil, a major zit popping. Ick, uck and pus spew from something that fermented over an extended period. I doubt anyone here is blameless. We all contribute to the dis-ease of the marriage through our own fears, actions or inactions.

Letting go of blame and guilt allows me to focus on what's really important.. the root cause, my goals and how to achieve them.

Dates are dates. You control how much they hurt or help you. Who knows, someday you may view that as the best gift you ever received. I know that the day of my bomb has become a day of new beginnings, a birthday of sorts for waking up to what was real, what was fantasy and what is most important in my life.

*hugs*

[JWS]

Howdy,

I was just stopping in saying Hi to everyone and did not want to leave you out. Thank you so much for all that you have done to help me though this, I know it was mutual but thanks. So I have pretty much been to the Bay area every weekend for the last month, it seems to be my second home so will have to do another dinner soon, I go back to the boat in two weeks then who knows could be leaving cali, if thats the case will have to hangout before that!

Mike

[JCJ]

Hey Lost

I just wanted to drop by and say Happy Christmas. I don't know if you ever check the boards these days? I hope you are ok.

Jx