I have been at this for two years and a couple of months now. I will not rehash everything, but W left in 2006, came back in February 2007 and left again in October 2007. We had to see each other because of our two kids. There was no pressure on my end, just a smile and how are you. We took the kids to a theme park. On Labor Day we took them to the beach. There was no R talk during those times. We did talk though. Light and easy. The kids did not want to be where she was living, they stay with me and she would come visit on the weekends. Normally she would take them to her parents house, but they started remodeling and didn't want the kids there while they were doing it. So she started staying here, sleeping in my sons room.
During this time, there was an OM in the picture. I am not sure if it was just sexual or if it was serious. I do know they talked everyday because of my snooping. About two weeks ago, I went Anti-DB and gave it one last shot. I called her and told her in many more words that I wanted her here with me/us. She didn't have anything to say and I expected as much. She came down on the weekend and we did our normal thing as if there was no conversation.
Then on Monday morning before she left for work, she said she had been thinking about what I said and would like to take it slow. I tried not to act surprised and happy and just said okay, I understand. Not understanding what "taking it slow" meant at the time. I am still not sure what it means, but I have been doing the same things. No R talk, no pressure, just listening and being intent on what she is saying. She has been staying here and commuting during the week. It has been this way for two weeks now.
Well, since she decided to take it slow, she had no contact with OM. I am not sure who made the decision, but there had been no contact. Until yesterday. He called her and they talked for 27 minutes. I know I am not supposed to snoop. But when you do it everyday, it becomes a hard habit to break. Can it really be piecing if they still have contact? Am I supposed to have some expectation that she is to tell me about this? She doesn't know that I know they were together while we were apart.
When she came back last time, I didn't hold anything back and put all I could into the M. So when she left again, I was devastated. With the OM still contacting her, I am hesitant to give it my all again. I want to, but what if she leaves again?
I don't have any great advice/particular expertise to lend, except that you should probably quit snooping, at least for the time being, because whatever you find is just going to make you nuts. Maybe if/when she makes a concrete commitment to giving the M another shot, that would be the time to insist on no OM contact and absolute transparancy. Right now she hasn't really promised you anything, and if you push her too hard she might bolt. For your own safety you should certainly insist that she can't be intimate with both you and OM at the same time, though.
